Ever since I wrote an article about my foot ulcers (big craters in my ankles) a couple of months back, people have been writing to ask me how they are.
No, I’m just kidding. Maybe one person wrote in. Most people think I make this stuff up. Like I see that foot ulcers exist, and I think, “How can I make this about me?”
But the people I see in real life definitely ask. (You guys are not real life.)
And I have to answer them. Because the thing is that most of the time that people ask how you are, you say, “Fine, B”H.” Even if you’re not fine, B”H. Nobody checks. Even if you’re walking around with a spear sticking out of your back. But if they ask something specific, like, “What’s doing with that spear?” you have to give them a real answer.
“I don’t know. I haven’t gotten it checked out yet. My appointment is Wednesday.”
So when people say, “How are your foot ulcers?” I have to give them a real answer.
“It’s a long story. Read my articles.”
“I tried. They’re always about chickens.”
What am I going to do? Show them the pictures? They don’t want to see those.
And yes, I’ve been taking pictures. To track the progress, in case anyone asks. Mostly doctors. My phone is a minefield of pictures you don’t want to see. On the plus side, my kids have stopped scrolling through it.
Overall, they’re getting better. I think. Well, the original ulcers are getting better, but I have new ones. And no one’s sure what’s causing it. One doctor thinks it’s a side effect of some medication I’ve been taking, but the other 4 doctors don’t know. Should they maybe have a meeting? I don’t know if they do that. I definitely thought they might, when I decided to primarily see doctors that all belonged to this one practice.
I have five doctors that I’ve inflicted this case on so far. As of when I last wrote about this, my physician had sent me to a dermatologist, and my hematologist sent me to a podiatrist.
The dermatologist drilled exploratory holes inside the existing holes in my foot, the morning that I had to go to Kosherpalooza.
Kosherpalooza is a food show I go to where everybody just stops in the middle of the aisles for no reason and shmoozes, and you have to stand there and think angry thoughts while blood pools inside your shoes. And then people come over to you and say, “You’re Mordechai Schmutter! Ha ha!” And you’re smiling along and thinking, “I just want to think of some jokes for my article and get out of here.” And they’re thinking, “He’s not as funny in person.”
The podiatrist, meanwhile, prescribed a $300 cream for me to put on every night. And everyone asks, “Isn’t it covered by insurance?”
It is. It’s normally a $900 cream.
He also took off my band-aids to look at it, told me that he did not have a single band-aid in the entire office, and then wrapped me in 85 feet of gauze that didn’t fit back into my crocs and also stuck to his floors, and he sent me to something called “Wound Care.”
The thing is, Wound Care is not part of this practice. It’s actually in a local hospital that, when my wife later mentioned it to our neighbor who’s a nurse, the neighbor said, “No, don’t go to that hospital.”
Should I change now? Start over in my wound care regimen?
Apparently, Passaic has a hospital that doesn’t work. I don’t know how a whole hospital doesn’t work. Is the local med school just letting everyone cheat on tests? And how can they possibly be making my craters worse? They’re basically just unwrapping and rewrapping it. And they actually have band-aids.
So our neighbor told me to bring this up to my physician, who said, “Oh, that hospital? Yeah, I don’t send people there. Except for Wound Care. Their Wound Care is good.” That’s the one department that works. The Department of Wrapping and Unwrapping. That is only open on Fridays.
That hospital is bad? I’ve seen 4 doctors in your practice, and no one actually knows what’s causing this. You each went to school for a decade. This never came up? In 40 years of school? My thing was the thing they didn’t cover? Do you want to name it after me?
“Yeah, he has a foot Schmutter.”
So I started going to Wound Care every Friday. That’s when this hospital is open, apparently. Fridays.
He tried numerous things. Every time I came back, we’d unwrap my feet, and he’d say, “I think it’s getting better! But let’s try a different tactic anyway.”
He’s doing uncharted science over here. He’s trying to write a paper.
A lot of the things he tried involved compression socks.
Compression socks are basically socks that are too small. And you have to wear them anyway. “No, it’s supposed to squeeze like that. It’s compression socks.” But meanwhile, if I wear a compression undershirt, my wife tells me I need to get skinnier. What do you think I’m doing?
And then in case the compression socks aren’t compressing enough, he had me wrap two ace bandages around each leg. And then a medical sock. And then he said, “Also, don’t wash your feet.” Because the last thing you want is to wash your feet, in the summer, under several dozen layers of bandages and socks. But I mean my physician told me to keep washing it. And this was the physician who said that this hospital was not good except for Wound Care.
But as long as I got to wash the socks, right?
They gave me one pair of compression socks. They told me to hand wash it and air dry it and not to put them on wet.
Here’s something I discovered about compression socks: It takes them more than one night to air dry. Maybe you have to dry them on matzah poles, in a matzah oven.
But then every visit they gave me another pair, and I didn’t let them take back the old pair, and they asked, “You want the old pair?” like that made me disgusting, so eventually I had enough socks for a rotation. And also a rotation of ace bandages, so I could wash those and find somewhere tall enough to hang them. Just 10-foot wimples hanging everywhere. Like over the top of the door.
Some weeks he put me in something called an Unna Boot, which is a wrap that has to be kept on for a full week. And I’m like, “So when do I apply the $900 cream?” So the nurse put on like $100 worth of cream first.
And so it went for a few weeks, one week at a time, except the week before July 4th, when the doctor decided that for totally medical reasons, I had to have the boot on for two weeks.
“Why?”
“We’re closed next Friday.”
“The whole hospital is closed? But it’s not even the 4th. It’s the 5th. I have to stew an extra week?”
I got a heter from a rav to put on the cream on Shabbos; this doctor can’t get a heter to change my bandages on July 5th?
So he said, “Well, you can come in to my private practice on the third.” So I came in, and he wrapped me personally, and as soon as I got home, I was in intense pain. I called the office to find out if I was supposed to be in pain, or what? And his receptionist told me that the doctor had left for the day. “It’s Erev July 4th; what are you thinking?” Like he has to get home for fireworks lighting. He turns off his phone for yom tov.
“Call on Monday.”
So I said, “I’m in agony. I just need to know if this is expected or if he wrapped me wrong.”
And she said, “If you’re in pain, go to the Emergency Room.”
Because they have a heter to work on the 4th. They asked their government official.
Wait, the Emergency Room of which hospital? I was told only Wound Care was competent. The Emergency Room of a different hospital? So they can say, “You went to that hospital?” and I can say, “No, the Wound Care is good! Except this.”
So I had my wife rewrap me as best she could, and I felt a little better for 3 days until the boot fell apart. At which point I put on a compression sock and some ace bandages
Anyway, I finally saw the guy a week later, and he looked at my wound and said, “Oh, it’s healing nicely. I did a good job! Let’s do what we did last time. Unna boot, two weeks!”
And I said, “That’s not what we did last time. Last time was a combination of my wife rewrapping what you did, your office billing me, and then compression socks.”
And he said, “Okay, let’s do that.”
Apparently running a competent Wound Care department is mostly about trial and error.
Anyway, “healing nicely” took about 4 months. And by then I had more ulcers forming. But not in time for the doctor to be concerned about them at my last official appointment. So now I think I’m on my own. I have a nice stack of compression socks, and about $85 worth of cream, which should last me like 2 applications if I run the tube over with my car. And I can always Google “Foot Schmutter” and see if anything comes up.
Maybe he published his paper.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
