There are few more crucial tasks in a relationship than to be able to listen properly. If you have been listened to with consideration and compassion, you can remain in touch with what you truly feel and learn to believe in your core self. Speaking of listening, I got a call from a telemarketer. He said he couldn’t understand me. I told him to Press 1 for English.
But honestly, why does really paying attention to our friends and loved ones prove so hard for many of us? Perhaps his views threaten your sense of identity. Or maybe you do not wish to experience sadness or vulnerability.
Does the fact that he has a different political view rattle you to your core? Does her being so needy make you feel ill at ease? Perhaps you have never truly paid attention to your own sorrows and setbacks in life.
You may go about trying to re-write your friend’s experiences. You might try to convince her that she really should not feel that way after all. Or that he is really not thinking those awful thoughts. Some of us learn not to allow in our feelings of softness or sensitiveness. What part of you do your loved ones have difficulty accepting?
Much in this life can annoy us and even be maddening at times. Listen, NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away, but I lose Wi-Fi signal in my kitchen. Sheesh. But seriously, at times it may feel intentional to you. Your shopping cart’s wheel has a mind of its own. You found a bug in your fresh salad. Your phone battery is on low as soon as you need to make that urgent call. Ugh. Is it a conspiracy against me? I know, your phone’s low battery is the only warning you take seriously anyway. Then again, they say: Batteries are the most dramatic object. When other things stop working, they break. But batteries – they die.
But admittedly, it may seem implausible to you that these events are mere coincidence if you do not truly like yourself. It can feel as if the world itself is mocking you. What are the origins of your hyper-sensitivity? If you are convinced that you are awful, it makes sense to believe that the phone company made sure your phone gave out just when it did. Then again, look at today’s relationships: You can touch each other, but not each other’s phones.
Please do not have contempt, disregard, and disrespect for your sweet self even if you were never loved properly. Reserve your anger for those who warrant it, sweet friends.
Learn to be honest and candid with your feelings. Isn’t it lovely to always know what the issues are in your relationship without having to decode and untangle it all? You can politely and in good time refuse invites to events you believe are not for you. When you are disappointed or displeased with his behavior, you can provide a gentle statement as to how it affects you.
Sadly, bad things can repeatedly unfold in your life. No one is laying traps for you, sweet friends. Do not dislike yourself, please. Even if you lacked reassurance in childhood, know that the world does not hate you. You deserve self-compassion.
Sure, people will post unflattering things about us on social media. The degree to which you succumb to negative feedback and comments reflects how you truly feel about yourself. You must take on board the fact that you will never be liked or loved by everyone.
Please get past the moment of negative self-assessment. We all struggle with inner voices. Some tell us we are ugly or unsuccessful or even unworthy. You may not have been held or reassured at one time. But learn to appreciate yourself nonetheless.
There need be nothing terrifying about criticism. It may join forces with the voices inside of you. Do not allow it to let loose self-hatred ever. Do not be the attacked and the attacker. Deeply appreciate yourself. Remain on your own side during difficult times, sweet friends.
You want to make peace in the world. Try making peace within yourself first. You are literally one decision away from a different life. But know this: You can give yourself and your loved ones the kind of love that you were denied.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
