Do you want your relationships to fail? Here’s a tip then: Be overly defensive. Do you know how to escape situations that make you ward off any opposing view or criticism? Sad to say that no matter how much you adore her, in time you will stumble upon aspects of her personality that create annoyance and even irritation. And no, you cannot put her on “Mute.”
Do his socks on the floor or the way she takes her sweet time to get ready unleash intense feelings of frustration or exasperation? Then again, if you ask my husband, he’ll tell you that his socks do match. They’re the same thickness. And, of course, she will tell you: “I’m not late. Everyone else is just early.” Hmmm.
Let’s be honest, sweet friends. Being found imperfect – even in a small way – is simply unacceptable. So, when we are even slightly criticized, we resort to the rallying cry: “Love me for who I am.” There can be nothing more absurd, sweet friends. We all have faults, foibles, and failings. With even a modicum of self-awareness, you should yearn to be loved for who you hope to be someday with a great deal of work.
When your friend or partner offers you feedback, you should actually be grateful and ask for a second helping. Speaking of which, you can no longer blame your overeating on the holidays. Sorry, they say you are what you eat. I don’t remember eating a legend.
But seriously, do you continually try to access a better version of yourself? Your friends and partners are actually teachers. They are truly the ones who can guide you as to who you should become some day.
If you are defensive much of the time, know this: You most likely have an underlying fear of being embarrassed or even abandoned. Reassure your friend or partner that they need not fear occasional verbal disapproval. Accepting a loved one’s appraisal and assessment with grace is the only way to genuinely grow, providing you trust them, of course.
You are not loveworthy because you are fabulously flawless. If you are deeply insecure, the tiniest comment may feel like an avalanche of criticism. You imagine that if she tells you to not leave those dirty dishes in the sink again that she is in fact trying to inflict a devastating wound on you. Then again, the trouble with living alone is that it is always your turn to do the dishes. Listen, we all dream of having a spotlessly clean house; but who dreams of actually doing the cleaning? Hmmm.
How long does it take for you to do your makeup? If he asks you to actually get ready on time, he may simply be venting a frustration. Then again, it’s been said: The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest that perhaps he’s too old to do it.
True love is not destroyed by imperfections, but only by the way that they cannot be acknowledged and worked on. I implore upon you, sweet friends, to recognize when you are being overly defensive, and do try to overcome it.
Make this a goal and go ahead and share it with your friend. Tell them aloud that you are trying to vanquish your tendency to resist any criticism or opposing viewpoints. Always point out shortcomings with tact and humanity. And do not suppress your feelings.
Every relationship is at risk for moments of frustration, disappointment, and even discontent. We all want to safely deposit our love into the hands of a friend or partner. We want assurance that we will never be betrayed or even let down. But life happens. He didn’t respond warmly to your greeting or affection today. She just shrugged at your brilliant eureka moment and said that she has no idea what you were talking about. Ouch.
You may feel as though the crack in your relationship will lead to collapse. But know that, more often than not, you can regain trust and repair the damage. Good repair involves changed behavior, the ability to say “I’m sorry” sincerely, and the capacity to forgive, as well.
We all behave less than optimally. Please teach each other how you wish to be treated. Help him understand what you want from him. Try not to get easily offended and address the substance of what she is trying to convey. Listen and learn.
In the safety of a relationship, it is healthy to offer and to receive feedback. Remind yourself that it is truly a noble achievement to learn how to patch things up when they break. It’s been said that relationships fail when you take your own insecurities and try to twist them into your partner’s flaws. You repeat what you don’t repair, sweet friends. So don’t judge them for their mistakes. Judge them on how they fix them.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
