Do you think you avoid love? You may wonder why anyone would refuse or reject an experience that seems clearly so positive and life-affirming. Those who are denied love by forces outside of their control can become wholly depressed. If caring and compassion lie right in front of you, do you sabotage it?
Indeed, we all long for love, but what is your capacity to actually receive it when it shows up? To understand yourself, you will have to examine your early emotional experiences, sweet friends. When you were a child, were your loved ones reliable? Did it feel safe to accept affection? Then again, having kids taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only. Just kidding… It’s also been said: Ever had a job where you had no experience, no training, you weren’t allowed to quit, and people’s lives were at stake? That’s parenting.
Perhaps, however, you were abandoned just when you needed her the most. Or maybe your parent fell ill, and you simply did not receive the affection you craved. Did your parent favor your older brother? Did your mother prioritize her work at your expense? It could be that your father had a temper, or your mother was simply unpredictable.
Are you a tad too independent? You may not realize that this is your mode of self-protection. You might have learned never to truly trust anyone. Do you have any mutually satisfying friendships or relationships? Who comes to mind?
Feeling defenseless in front of another person is frightening indeed. But wearing that armor will never allow true intimacy in. Do not choose impossibly distant people in the hopes of breaking down their walls, please.
If your friends do not love you properly, find someone who is willing to meet your needs. Do not always chalk this up to bad luck. Perhaps you indeed sabotage your relationships. Reflect a bit on your past and try to find the connections to your present life.
If you have been hurt badly, you could feel quite hesitant or even panicky at the thought of trusting him. Please do not make life choices out of fear. You will most likely resent the one who does not give you the love you need.
Do you feel as though you have done something wrong? If you depend on others for your well-being, you can feel the need to prove yourself over and over. If you don’t feel loved by the one you need it from the most, you will surely have an empty feeling inside.
You are not unlovable, sweet friends. Childhood trauma plays a role. We are all wired for connection. If your emotional needs were not met, do not disengage or withdraw, refusing to need anyone.
Connection should not equal pain. If you’ve made mistakes or have regrets, you may come to feel unworthy of love. Do you sometimes feel that simply who you are is a burden to others? If you can’t meet her high standards, you can feel a sense of shame.
If you don’t fit into his preconceived image or meet his expectations, you feel inadequate. So you have food, water, and a roof over your head; but do you have the love you need? Speaking of food, the closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history. Then again, my dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room. Oh, and to the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party: you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
But seriously, painful, insecure thoughts can be replaced. And yes, you can rewire your brain. You do not have to go down the road of shame or blame, sweet friends. Remember that challenges are opportunities for growth. What have you learned from your perceived failures? Your failings and foul-ups are stepping stones, not roadblocks.
Try to embrace your journey of self-improvement. Take care of your body as well. Engage in some kind of physical activity. What’s your pleasure? Yoga, gardening, or cleaning the house? I know. The only thing you hate more than having a dirty house is cleaning. I get it. You know what would make house cleaning way more fun? A maid.
But truly, be authentically who you are. Let go of who you think you should be. Embrace who you truly are. Connect with your emotions first and foremost. After all, it’s been said: Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
