Are you or anyone you know continually haunted by the idea that you are not quite good enough? Your boss praised you. Your co-workers spoke highly of you. But somehow the inner critic’s voice is so much louder and comes up with a different judgment. Listen, my boss practices an open-door policy: the door is open for you to leave anytime. Heck, if I tell you I want to be a door-to-door salesman, don’t knock it.
But truly, that inner backseat driver will disregard all the evidence of your success. Perhaps as a child, you felt that there was someone who did not especially like or approve of you. Do you even remember what the younger version of you was like?
Children will land on an explanation which oftentimes feels as though they are to blame. If their parents fight, they feel as though they are somehow at fault. They may even decide that they are simply bad.
Of course, we know that things did not unfold as they did due to any shortcoming or failing of the child. Adults are aware that things happen which seem entirely undeserved and incredibly unfair.
Sometimes we simply cannot make sense of unbearable pain. But bear in mind, please, that your inner critic may be loud, but he or she is not the whole of you. If you keep giving it power, it can ruin your life, sweet friends.
Appeal to a less biased part of yourself. Perhaps you feel as though you stand out from the crowd. But are you able to delight in your own oddity or eccentricity? It may be uncomfortable to feel different from most others. But hey, different is the new black.
Everyone at the social event seemed so at ease, and you felt anxious or self-conscious. She seems so cheerful all the time, and you cannot seem to let go of your worries and concerns. He appears so darn confident, and you feel as though you are under a cloud at work.
Your friends are all coupled or married, and you are still searching for your one and only. You might benefit, sweet friends, from some thoughts that alleviate the feeling of exile or lack of genuine contact. Someone once said: My friends and I are crazy. That’s the only thing that keeps us sane.
Firstly, what you assume about her may not be the way she truly is. Perhaps you have never found a way to share your true self with anyone. Remind yourself that it’s okay to belong to the minority group. Some of us simply have to pay the price of isolation and solitariness.
What is it that bridges the gap between you and others? Could it be common interests in art, music, or a love of books? You know what they say: Reading one book is like eating one potato chip. Speaking of which, don’t you just hate it when you’re eating something crunchy and you can’t hear what they’re saying on the TV?
But truly, you may be accomplished in many ways, but you feel as though you never became who you truly might be. Do you have a stable sense of what you are truly worth? You must develop a secure hold on your own value, sweet friends.
If your boss decided that you are worthless, you may simply swallow that verdict unquestioningly. If your mate or friend is unkind, you may resort to perennially seeking others’ praise.
Are you unnaturally hungry for approval? Perhaps you laugh at his jokes even when they are not funny. You may uncritically accept her opinions on your outfit—or your life, for that matter. Speaking of clothing, don’t you love getting those cute little morning texts like: “Your order has been shipped”? Please check your inner barometer instead to see what you truly want and need.
Study yourself with kindness and graciousness. You may wish to feel known and likable. Your resilient self-esteem depends on this. Learn to connect with your own emotions. Seek out wise and kindly friends.
Learn to take your own side and trust yourself more than you trust the crowd. This will help you be a tad less hungry for approval and praise. Teach yourself to feel increasingly more solid inside. After all, you are the one in possession of the ultimate truths about you.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
