Wanting to please people sounds kind of nice, doesn’t it? However, if you are someone who feels you have to mold yourself to the expectations of everyone around you, you may need to rethink. You could very well be harboring resentment and, eventually, bitterness.
Do you ever agree to plans you really do not relish? You most likely never express your authentic, real needs or feelings. You might be utterly scared of disapproval. Take a peek at your childhood. Were your parents incapable of accepting any opposing views or ideas? Did your mother allow you to share feelings about your stress or anxiety without judging you?
Your loved one may have thus decided to spend her life being responsive to what others expect of her. Perhaps you are profoundly attached to someone and don’t want to risk adding what seems like a burden to them by being truly honest.
Please find a path out of your old patterns of constantly trying to appease or please others. Believe it or not, that co-worker of yours can cope quite well with a bit of contradiction. Your friend can handle a disagreement on occasion.
Though your intentions may be good, you will do no one any good at work by withholding your concerns or reservations. Learn to be delicate with the troublesome messages you need to share with your mate or friend. But do share them.
You can be firm and articulate, but extremely amiable as well. You can tell her that you think she is wrong without implying that she is a dimwit. You know what they say: Pleasing everyone? That’s impossible. Making everyone angry? Piece of cake. Speaking of cake — do you spend more time looking at cake inspiration than you do making cakes? Same. Oh, and don’t fret. Blowing out your birthday cake candles will come easy after all those years of practice.
But seriously, you can reject an invitation so long as you use the requisite courtesy and etiquette. Whether we know it or not, many of our behaviors have harmful side effects. Staying in a friendship you wish to end will do neither you nor your friend any good in the end. Sometimes we simply have to impart difficult messages to our loved ones or even colleagues.
If you were forced to wear a warning label, what would yours say? Don’t look for fault as if there were a reward. I’m sure people have shown you colors you’ve never seen in a crayon box. But you can learn to be firm in your views and opinions yet extremely gracious as well. Then again, sometimes people must be escorted from the VIP section of your life to a regular seat.
What is the overwhelming imperative that guides your life? Do you believe that you should never, ever disappoint anyone? You may have to smile bravely at a staff meeting lest you offend your boss. But how much obligation do you owe others? Heck, I asked my boss for career advice, and he said, “Don’t let me catch you googling: ‘How to deal with a difficult boss.’”
But truly, it could be that no one showed much interest in you as a youngster. Perhaps you had to tread carefully to avoid your parents’ anger or disapproval. Sadly, they may have displayed a lack of obligation toward you. Do you feel as though your needs or feelings mattered?
You may have to learn a foreign language called honesty. You know what they say: Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.
Work on developing a backbone. List all the things you do or do not truly want in your life. People in your life are not all like your angry dad or your all-too-fragile mom. True friends will handle the boundaries you set in your friendship and can accept a bit of disappointment if it is healthier for you.
Stop asking why they keep doing it, and start asking why you keep allowing it. And yes, the grass always looks greener on social media. Heck, if you ever need me, I’m always just five missed calls and six text messages away. Do learn to be kind to yourself.
She doesn’t like you? Like yourself enough for the both of you. Then again, why can’t I find someone who looks at me the way I look at coffee?
But truly, sweet friends, don’t be afraid of losing people. Be afraid of losing yourself.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
