President Trump has repeatedly referred to Canada as the 51st state and its premier as Governor. The implication is that Canada is going to become part of the United States. This has not been well received in Canada. The new prime minister, Mark Carney, referred to Trump’s comments about Canada being the 51st state as being the Voldemort of comments. In response, Voldemort put out a statement that he would not have said that about Canada, a good friend and strong ally.
There have been boycotts of American goods in Canada and Canadians cancelling their vacations to the United States. The most public display was at the Four Nation NHL Tournament, which included a game between the American and Canadian teams. It was held in Montreal. The fans booed the U.S. national anthem. Wayne Gretzky, Canada’s most beloved hockey player, has been vilified because of his attendance at Trump’s inauguration and his failure to wear the Canadian jersey as honorary captain at that game. The U.S. honorary captain wore the U.S. jersey.
The last time the United States tried to conquer Canada to make it part of the United States against their will did not turn out too well. This occurred during the War of 1812 between the United States and the British Empire. All we got from the war was a national anthem whose words people cannot remember and sing off Key.
Since Trump realized he cannot acquire Canada by an agreement or conquer it by force, he went to plan B: make a deal that Canada would agree to. Trump convinced the Canadian government through the Art of the Deal to accept his proposal. The Canadian negotiators, including Carney, made sure that they came to the meeting with Trump and Vance in a top hat, a tuxedo with long tails, a vest, and a white wig. Vance said that Zelenskyy should learn from the Canadian negotiators. If Zelenskyy had met Trump in the oval office dressed that formally, Trump would have promised him half of Russia.
The terms of the agreement include that Canada will acquire 49 of the 50 states. They will become the eleventh province of Canada and be called USA.
The only state that will remain is Florida. Florida will be renamed Trumpland. The government in Trumpland will be changed to a monarchy with Donald Trump as King and Mar-a-Lago as the Royal Palace. Trump said that Trumpland looks like a war zone. Thus, all remaining structures have to be knocked down so that he can create the Riviera on the Atlantic Ocean. There will be condominiums and co-ops with golf courses. While the construction is happening, all the residents have to be relocated to Georgia and Alabama, which will be part of Canada. Once the construction is over, those being allowed into Trumpland would be limited to those who can prove that they voted for Trump in all three elections, be registered Republicans, have said positive things about him on social media, are not supporters of DEI, and have assets totaling more than $1.5 million. The official currency for Trumpland will be Donald Trump’s meme coin and the official exchange will be World Liberty Financial.
Canada also agreed to assume the more than thirty-six trillion dollars of United States national debt. Trump said one thing that he knows about is bankrupt companies, and the United States is bankrupt. Canada also agreed to pay Trumpland 5% off the top of whatever it receives in sales from assets that were part of the 49 states. Trump said that these funds will be used to pay for the construction, and any left over will be used to line his and his family’s pockets. Only losers think public service is just to help the public.
Canada also agreed to exile the outgoing Prime Minister Justin Trudeau to Lesbos, Greece. Trump could not think of a place more DEI than Lesbos to send him. Trump called Trudeau a nasty small man who thought he could stand up to the most powerful, smartest, and most modest man in the world. The exile to Lesbos will straighten him out. Canada also agreed to revoke Gretzky’s Canadian citizenship and have all of his hockey records list him as being a resident of Trumpland. Canada also agreed to keep gas in the USA province below $2 a gallon and eggs below $1 a dozen, which is considerably less than the current national wholesale price of nearly $7 a dozen.
The agreement will be made by Trump through an executive order. Trump is not worried that there will be a problem getting the deal through. His MAGA supporters believe that he is perfect, so if Trump wants to do it must be the right thing to do. The Republican elected officials are afraid of him and will do nothing. Since the new province will be called USA province, many Americans will have no idea that there was a change. They are clueless about how the government is set up. Others will not care as long as they have cheap gas, and the price of eggs is low.
If some Democrats try to stop Trump, Trump said that he has the United States Supreme Court in his pocket. “Look, they gave me immunity to do whatever I want.” If the Court rules against him, Trump will do what his idol President Andrew Jackson did: He ignored the Court’s ruling, reportingly saying, “The Court has made their ruling. Let them enforce it.”
There are some critics of Trump who are happy with the deal. Well-known Trump critic and QJL columnist Warren Hecht was excited. “If this is what we need to get rid of Trump, I’m all in.”
Have a happy Purim.
By Hector Warren
