Whether we realize it or not, we all adapt our personalities to suit our environment. We were all born defenseless into our family of origin. We needed to adjust our behavior in order to thrive and to fit into our family. Let’s be honest. Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.
Perhaps you were taught not to challenge authority in your home. Or maybe you had to become a clown just to get some needed attention. So when your friend or mate’s behavior is aggravating or annoying, perhaps you can open up avenues of compassion for them as well.
There are always reasons, sweet friends. He finds it difficult to open up emotionally. She insists on telling white lies. Maybe these unhealthy behaviors were once adaptive strategies in their families of origin. By the way, don’t you sometimes wish you could relate to the people you’re related to?
But seriously, if she told the truth about something he disapproved of, her father became enraged or intolerant. It could be that he became emotionally distant because his mother was absent or unpredictable when she was around.
The traits you originally developed to cope with your surroundings can become quite troublesome later in your life. You may have had to scream louder than your brother or sister to simply be heard. But in the context of your marriage or workplace, yelling will naturally give rise to serious upset or even get you fired.
It might have made sense for you to be extra vigilant if you were brought up in a household with possible threat or even violence at any moment. That may have guaranteed some safety as a child but will now destroy any possibility for a peaceful existence with your mate or friend.
Your angry father or anxious mother may no longer be here, but the traits you developed to cope with them may endure. They may damage your relationships and even your career. Do you consider yourself to be an emotionally mature person? If so, why?
Most of who you have become was shaped long ago by events. Take notice of some of your patterns of behavior. Do you constantly feel the need to impress others? Do you tend to act on every feeling you have? Learn to objectively observe your emotions, sweet friends. Soothe your wounds and do not view yourself or others as either all good or all bad.
Take measures to be optimistic and full of promise about how things in your life will turn out. Remind yourself that all families are challenging at times and many jobs are quite maddening too.
Please stop eating your heart out over all the wrong turns you’ve taken in life. You may have made some poor investments. Then again, they say: Nothing so undermines your financial judgment as the sight of your neighbor getting rich.
You might have even invested emotional energy into unworthy friends at one point. You certainly made errors in raising your children. Listen, none of us got a practice run for life, so please stop beating yourself up until you are bruised. I wasn’t given a manual on life. Were you? Your loved ones and friends are also making it all up as they go along.
This too shall pass. That event may have seemed like an insurmountable mountain, and now it seems as if it has been worn down to a mere hill. Focus on reaching a heightened understanding of your own self.
Realize how often you live in denial or soak yourself in distractions. Shed your pride and accept how much we humans constantly misunderstand one another. Stayed awake till 3 A.M. again? Skipped meals all day? I know you would be much healthier if you didn’t have taste buds. I get it. Know that you will most likely not be at your best if you do not care for your body.
Believe it or not, she may be just as easily hurt as you are. Be polite when you share with him what is at play within you. If you do not teach him how to treat you, he may truly not know. We all long for reassurance, comforting, and compassion, sweet friends.
Do not attempt to please universally. Make others’ opinions matter less to you. And don’t forget what Mark Twain once said: The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
