There you are yet again having a disagreeable, distasteful conversation with your mate or friend. Sigh. She’s cranky and cross. He’s grouchy and grumpy. I’m so cranky, I’m not even talking to myself. Sheesh. Why is it so darn hard to simply get along?
You have so many shared memories with your best friend or mate, and you surely don’t want to leave them. Speaking of which, I know you have a photographic memory. You just never developed it.
But truly, you wish someone could simply understand how taxing and trying it is. No, you are not damaged or disturbed for having the challenges you have. Truthfully, it is one of life’s givens.
Yes, relationships will be messy. Welcome to reality. Sure, we would love to arrange our love life and friendships perfectly, the way we sort out other things in our lives. But this is not a shelf or cupboard in your kitchen, sweet friends.
Perhaps you feel misunderstood. Others tell you that you are too emotional. Please don’t tell her that she’s “too sensitive.” However, know this: If you pick up on every single emotional state, others may keep their distance from letting their angry or bad mood rub off on you.
If you pay too much attention to what others around you do, they must constantly monitor their behavior when they are around you. Don’t always look for the chink in his armor. Even strong people have weak spots.
If you are too guarded and noncommittal, she may wonder if you return her feelings at all. It’s okay to miss this one social event. If you get exhausted by too much social interaction, take a break. Do not allow yourself to get overwhelmed.
Do you need some alone time to decompress at times? You may not be able to handle being stimulated for long periods of time. Please respect each others’ boundaries. If he says something is bothering him but needs coaxing to open up, don’t say: “Whatever.” As a matter of fact, don’t ever say: “Whatever.”
And please do not tell her that what happened to her is “not that bad.” Minimizing others’ feelings can literally poison your relationship.
No one enjoys conflict or misunderstandings. But trust me, sweet friends, unspoken anger between the two of you is way worse than hashing it out calmly. If you are too conflict-averse, you may seem to agree and go along with his agenda, but you are entitled to a differing opinion. Do not be afraid to voice it.
Do not make a habit of bottling up resentment and anger. It cannot be stated enough. You absolutely must take good care of yourself. If you always put their needs ahead of your own, their problems may quickly become your problems.
Did you take any time out for yourself this week? What did you do? Believe me, it’s tiring for your loved ones to always be worried about your well-being if you aren’t. Hopefully your relationships are not draining you or making you feel like a shell of yourself.
You deserve strong, healthy connections. You should feel safe openly communicating with her. Please be careful about unhealthy attachments. You do not have to agree with all of his opinions, but do listen and show respect.
Be her biggest cheerleader and support him when he achieves his goals. Without genuine commitment, it’s hard to feel unwavering backing and nurturance from your friend or partner.
You know that the shoe that fits her may pinch your toes big time. Speaking of shoes, two words for anyone who feels shoes aren’t important: Cinderella and Dorothy. But seriously, remember that you need not change your essence just to fit in. It’s okay to “fit out.”
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
