Do you seem to be having the same scuffle and skirmish day in, day out? He feels controlled when you are simply trying to help or have your needs met. She ends up feeling rejected and abandoned.
He said he would text, and here it is two hours later, and not a word or emoji. Speaking of emojis, it’s been said: We went from carving stories into ancient cave walls to sending digital eggplants. Human progress is truly beautiful. But sincerely, he keeps reiterating how “busy” he is and feels criticized and condemned. She wants attachment. He wants space. Take a breath, please, and remind yourself that she has good intentions.
You know that 80 percent of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet. No, he is not out to get you if you have a loving, respectful relationship. Just last week, he took you to a special dinner, and she took care of you when you weren’t feeling well. When you get upset, remind yourself that he is, in fact, on your side.
Your knight in shining armor turned out to be a dude in aluminum foil? Sheesh. But truly, you deserve to have your needs met. So, learn how to explain rather than attack. Tell him instead that when he doesn’t call, you tend to feel lonely. Tell her that if she keeps complaining and fault-finding, you end up feeling as though you never get anything right.
Take time to observe why you may feel particularly abandoned. Perhaps, as a child, no one was quite there for you. Think about which interactions remind you of a past pain or disappointment. You might think that love is simply a feeling. But love is manifesting a set of skills, sweet friends.
You know what they say: The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button. But seriously, learn how to be diplomatic and reassuring to your loved ones. Yes, you can learn how. Relationships and friendships fail primarily because we all get defensive. It is an inescapable fact that if you know her long enough, in time, you will encounter difficulties.
Initially, you are determined to always be kind. But if he consistently does that annoying thing, it will likely unleash powerful feelings of frustration or even anger. Learn how to air your grievances, because, truth be told, none of us want to be made to feel that we are flawed in some way.
Trust me, you feel a great deal more than you spontaneously realize. Your emotions are a tad hidden, as they lie outside the sphere of ordinary consciousness. But if you do not recognize them and allow yourself to feel them, you may end up quite anxious, angry, or even depressed.
Carve out time in your hectic life to get acquainted with your true feelings, please. “What are you feeling right now?” is a question you can ask yourself time and time again. It is a monstrously unfair demand to expect your loved ones to love you for “who you are” if you do not work on yourself.
It’s been said: “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” But seriously, get to know your faults and the aspects of you that are immature and underdeveloped. Perhaps there is goodness inside of you that has not yet been realized. You should constantly try to access a better version of yourself.
As a smart hubby once said: My wife and I always compromise: I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees with me. But truly, know that behind your defensiveness lies fear—perhaps the fear of being embarrassed or even abandoned. You are loveworthy despite your inadequacies and imperfections. Allow your loved ones and true friends to discharge their frustrations. Your love can be renewed by the opportunity to release all those pent-up emotions.
After the inevitable rupture in your friendship or relationship, always seek repair. Acknowledge her feelings. Join him in his effort to be less guarded and defensive when he attempts to do so.
Please try to find humor in everyday situations. Trust me, it is a game changer. And remember, it’s been said: The best thing to hold on to in life is each other.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
