You courageously try to get your point or views across to him, and he responds with mounting irritation. She answers you politely at first, but you feel entirely misunderstood. Why is communication so darn hard, you ask yourself?
You love your friend or partner and may have years of shared memories with them. There are no simple solutions, sweet friends. And sometimes it feels healing just to be able to share with someone who fully understands that. You may not need solutions, but simply for her to say: “I know. I know.”
You are perfectly normal for having the challenges you have in your life. Having difficulties and hardships is one of life’s givens. Welcome to existence. What you may crave without even knowing it is a bit of sympathy at times.
Life cannot simply be sorted out like your kitchen pantry. Speaking of snacks, if you want snacks, prepare to search through three layers of expired pasta. I follow my heart, and it usually leads me to the pantry. But truly, the truth is that you feel so much more than you realize. Many emotions lie outside the sphere of your consciousness. Some of those feelings may be too sad or upsetting to want to make sense of them.
You’re told to love someone, but occasionally feelings of hate emerge. Out of fear, you may not even register your authentic emotions. Sometimes you are simply on overload and cannot seem to disentangle your own thoughts.
How much time do you actually devote to self-understanding, sweet friends? If you do not identify and feel your feelings, you can fall prey to anxiety, depression, or even worse. Unfelt feelings can lead to emotional instability.
Do carve out time to get more acquainted with yourself. Do an “emotion check-in.” Perhaps you can find a comfy place in your home. Close your eyes, dim the lights, and gently scan the thoughts in your mind. Your anxious feelings may be well disguised and camouflaged.
Gently press yourself. What are you really anxious about? Take the time for some inner inquiry. Decode some of your moments of anger, which may have impacted you without you even noticing. As they say: The best way to reduce stress is to stop stressing about stress.
Feelings lie buried in your body as well. Listen to it. Does your back hurt? Perhaps you just feel like curling up into a fetal position at times. Relax and master the skill of simply listening to your body’s cues. I know. You say, “No worries,” a lot for someone who worries a hundred percent of the time.
If your childhood had given you the right experiences, you may have learned how to express how you feel in a way that can be heard. You would have learned how to speak up and share your innermost needs without causing upset.
Do you view your personal needs as legitimate? Do you shout or act out in anger when they are not met? And no, he cannot read your mind. It is essential that you impart even difficult messages in a kind way.
When you find yourself feeling uncomfortable with your loved one’s or friend’s actions, what do you say? You don’t like the dish she prepared for dinner. Do you dare tell her? The recipe said to cook until golden brown. It didn’t mention midnight black was part of the spectrum. Not quite. Always reassure and put him at ease first. Remind her that you are speaking your mind because you care about her and the relationship.
Remind him that your respect for him is boundless, yet there is that one thing that he does that drives you insane. Give her room to disagree with some of your views. Acknowledge differences with grace.
If you lose your tongue and suffer in silence, your love will inevitably grow cold. Explain to her how the world looks through your eyes. It should be entirely possible to be yourself and to still be loved. And yes, we all want an ETA for “This too shall pass.”
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
