Dear Goldy:
I’m writing to vent. You said you accept these types of emails; well, here it is. I’m 35, not a novice to dating. Been there, done that.
This may be a long story, so I’ll just write down the main parts.
Facts:
I met “Michael,” age 41, on a dating website. We exchanged emails, texts, and phone calls for a few weeks. Michael lives in Chicago, so we knew meeting face to face would take a while.
Michael came to New York to visit with friends and relatives. We set up a date. He suggested coffee and dessert. I was disappointed. After communicating for so long, a coffee date didn’t seem right. It seemed like it would be a short date. Wouldn’t he want to get to know me? But I thought he may be worried that I wouldn’t be the same person he saw in the pictures.
The coffee date went fine. We went on a second date before he left for home. He suggested Dave & Buster’s. Again, I was disappointed. An activity is nice, but after weeks of not being face to face, let’s spend some time looking at each other and talking. You can’t really have a deep conversation playing Wack-a-Mole.
Michael returned home and we continued talking.
I used some vacation time to visit Michael in Chicago. He was more than happy that I was coming to him, because he was used to traveling to date; now he would be at ease on his home turf.
On the day I flew to Chicago, Michael and I spoke a couple of times. He knew my flight number and when I was due to land. It wasn’t discussed, but I expected to see him waiting for me at the airport. Not holding any type of sign, but I expected him to be there. He wasn’t. I called, left a voicemail, and I texted. I rented my car and drove to the hotel.
Hours after I checked into the hotel was the first time Michael called. No apologies about not meeting me at the airport or waiting hours after he knew I landed to reach out. It was like none of that occurred to him.
I suggested going out later that evening; Michael agreed. He picked me up at the hotel and we went... to the movies. Yes. To the movies. We sat in the dark for hours, not talking. This is what I flew in for? Is this what I spent money on? Wasted my vacation days on?
After the movie, Michael took me back to the hotel and we spent time sitting in the lobby talking. Talking with him was really nice. It was almost good enough to forgive him for not offering to take me out to eat or even for coffee! I was starving. I didn’t know the local places of where to eat or what’s good. I ended up with some snacks from the vending machine. I should have said something, but I didn’t.
When I woke up the next morning, I had no expectations. (If a man doesn’t pick me up from the airport, or even check on me when I flew hundreds of miles to visit him, then lets me starve at night and sees nothing wrong with it, he wouldn’t think of doing anything sweet for breakfast or anything.)
I went about my business. I got dressed and Googled the kosher places where I could go to eat. I grabbed a bagel and coffee and sat eating, wondering how long it would take for Michael to call. I did come in to date him. I understood that he had to work, but he could call or text. Did he want me to contact him? He knew I didn’t know anyone in Chicago except him.
I ended up shopping, and at 1 p.m. Michael finally called. Again, it was as if he didn’t realize that he made (another) major mistake by ignoring me. This time, I asked him about it. His excuse? “Very busy morning.” That was it. No talking about meetings, traffic, waking up late... only, “very busy morning.” When we scheduled a date for that night, I was the one who said we should go out to dinner. I think he was surprised, but he recovered and said he’d make plans.
We went out to eat at a nice restaurant and I finally got what I wanted: a nice open conversation with Michael. But I should have been careful what I asked for. Somewhere between talking about friends and vacations and hashkafah, Michael told me about his depression and anxiety. He spoke about his therapy and therapists, his medication, how supportive his family is, etc.
End of facts. These are my feelings. Don’t judge me, but this is not what I expected. He was laying it all out for me and it was too much! I know I said I wanted to get to know him better, but this wasn’t what I had in mind. I didn’t want to cut him off, but Michael went on and on. I know everyone has baggage, and we all deal with stress and have some sort of anxiety about some things. But this went beyond all of that.
At the end of the date, Michael dropped me off by the entrance of the hotel. The night before, we walked into the lobby and spent time there. Now it was like an Uber dropping me off.
That night, I thought about the dates and Michael. He’s 41 and seems as if not to know how to treat a woman on a date, or one who flew to his city to date him. I can overlook the first coffee date, and not meeting me at the airport, but not calling me for hours afterwards? Taking me to the movies and not even suggesting dinner when I flew in to see him? I know that some guys need dating classes or even general knowledge type of classes, but this was too much. Now add the depression and anxiety into the mix – that’s a lot to deal with. It’s not like I knew Michael so well that I am able to overlook or deal with all of this. I’m not sorry to say, but this was too much, too soon, and I didn’t want to be the one to teach Michael how to date, treat a woman, and deal with his mental health issues.
Needless to say, I ended the budding relationship.
Goldy, did I expect too much? Was I too harsh? I let many things slide and not make them an issue, but now adding it altogether, it’s a lot. It’s one thing to marry someone and think you can change him, like his taste of clothes or something small like that, but Michael needed everything to be taught to him, plus therapeutic help. This is what he told me in the beginning of the relationship. What if he keeps unloading his baggage and it gets worse? We, or at least I, wasn’t very invested in this relationship as I left Chicago. I felt bad, though, and texted him the name and number of a dating coach I had spoken with a few times. Maybe he can help Michael.
Shulamis
*****
Thank you for your email, Shulamis.
Yes, I welcome readers to vent here. You didn’t really ask for advice other than if were you too harsh on Michael. My answer is no. You didn’t tell Michael that you thought some of his actions were rude or seemed careless, so no. To his face you were not harsh. And you don’t have to apologize for your feelings because they are your feelings, and you interpret what he did. I will note that some of your facts weren’t exactly 100 percent facts; you threw some feelings into the mix: “Seemed like a short date...” Maybe for him, it was the appropriate length of time. “No apologies about not meeting me at the airport...and finally...” I interpreted those facts to be your subjective feelings.
You were surprised a few times during your first dates, but as you said, you let it slide. And you didn’t seem to make a big deal that he didn’t meet you at the airport – but you can’t really complain about it if it wasn’t specifically spoken about. Yes, it was disappointing, but as you said, Michael was working. But not to call you until hours later? That is unacceptable, in my opinion. You flew in for him, at least check on how your flight was, any issues with renting the car or how was the hotel? That call or even text should have come within an hour of landing. Not hours later. Taking you to the movies on your first night in Chicago would not have been my first choice. I wonder if he spoke with anyone about your visit and, if so, did he discuss his dating plans with them? Had he mentioned any of this to a woman, I’m sure events would have unfolded differently.
I think it was very thoughtful of you to pass along the information of a dating coach to him. You didn’t just say, “You’re not for me,” and then move on. You want to help Michael. This person can better coach Michael on how to speak and act on dates. Yes, it is a daunting task to try to teach a Manners 101 class to an adult, but you also threw his mental health issues into the mix, saying you can’t deal with all the baggage. You grouped the two together. I know what you mean, but I think these issues should be dealt with and thought about separately. You can teach a person how to date, what to say, how to act – but you, as a non-medical-professional, can’t teach someone how to deal with his anxiety and depression. At this point, you would be dealing with the 101 classes and helping him cope with his anxiety and depression, not trying to “solve them.” But yes, it is a lot to ask for. I’ve written many times in this column that I will not write about mental health and its impact on dating situations. I will end off by saying that it’s wrong to go into a relationship thinking that you can change the person; whether it’s his/her personality or fashion. That can lead to fights and disappointment. Accept the person you are dating for who he or she is and ask if you can accept (what you think are) the bad along with the good.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
