Dear Goldy:
My boyfriend and I have been talking about marriage. Things are very serious. We’ve never been the type to stand on ceremony or be too proper or too Mr. Manners, so he began introducing me to his friends and family a couple of months ago. Yes, everyone is nice and sweet and seems to accept me, but the one thing I can’t get passed is how snobby and stuck up my boyfriend’s sister and cousin are.
They, whom I refer to as Barbie 1 and Barbie 2, married into money and show it off and brag every time they get the chance – or even if they don’t get the chance. One will just work it into the conversation: “Did you see my new earrings?” or “I’m looking for a new bathing suit coverup for our vacation to Croatia.” My boyfriend’s parents are very comfortable, but compared to the families the Barbies married, it’s like my bf’s parents are sitting on the sidewalk asking for handouts. Their Kens are just as bad. Always speaking business and tech/market type of stuff. It’s never, “Did you see a good movie lately?” or “What’s the big deal with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce?” The topics must be top tier and uppity.
The first time I met the Barbies (separately), I got the feeling that each was a snob in her own subtle way. It was the questions I was asked, the tone used when asked follow-up questions, the blank looks aimed at me when I apparently said something “dumb.” And, yes, I told my bf about it. He agreed. He said that the “status” went to his sister’s and cousin’s heads and you gotta take the good with the bad. What “status”? Is there a Frum High Society and Socialite Club I don’t know about? They lucked out and married guys from rich families. Period.
Whenever we get together as a group, my bf “talks shop” with the husbands and I’m left feeling like Skipper next to the Beverly Hills Barbies. They speak about their “world travel,” new restaurants, famous designers, etc. I don’t lie when I tell you I want to gag in front of them. It’s nauseating. If I try to change the topic, they bring it back to what they want to discuss. I told them that I felt left out of the conversation because I didn’t have the same shared experiences as they had (since they’ve been married). They just stared at me and said nothing. I added that I’d like to be included because it looks like we are going to be spending a lifetime together. My bf’s sister (Barbie 1) said we won’t have the same experiences or lives because her brother won’t ever earn what her husband does: “He comes close, so you’ll kinda be able to relate.” I promise you that’s what she said. Like I wrote earlier, I’m not Ms. Manners and won’t make Peggy Post proud, so I told her that was a snobby thing to say and reminded her we weren’t in high school anymore; there is no need to make me feel lucky to be sitting at the cheerleaders’ table. Well, that offended them.
My bf understands where I’m coming from. He has some pretty wild stuff to say about his sister and her attitude, but no matter how, he feels he can’t “knock back some of the old sense she used to have.” Basically, I must live with them as is; and as it is, the husbands and my bf like hanging around with each other, so it will be often. I apologized to both of them (in my own way).
I tried to get along and start new, but they all talk about the new exhibits opening at museums (seriously? I mean seriously) and the latest chesed/|yeshivah/non-profit organization gala that they either attended or were honorees at is just too much! I feel like I’m going to be on Jeopardy every time we get together and I never know what topic to pick or how to answer questions. Lately, I’ve been making very little small talk, but not really been a part of any conversations. And no, the Barbies never invite me out to lunch or brunch. They never discuss what type of wedding I want. I mean, every girl loves speaking about weddings. I’m scared to hear about theirs, because I’m sure one will say mine “won’t be able to compare.” Fake it, pretend to be interested in me for the sake of your brother and cousin.
I don’t know if I can face a lifetime with these people. I don’t know if I want to face one. I’m serious. I’ve given them so many chances, but they have failed to include me in any way or make me feel as a real part of the group. They are nice, but it doesn’t feel genuine. What can I do? I’m definitely going to marry my bf. I don’t want to ask him to not get together with his family as often or anything like that. I know he said he agrees with me about the Barbies, but I can’t keep complaining about them. I don’t want him to resent me or feel like I don’t accept his family. I wrote we aren’t like these people, and we aren’t! But avoiding them is out of the question, and wouldn’t that seem like I’m saying I’m too good for them – so now I’m the bad one?
Skipper
*****
Thank you for your email, Skipper (I love the names you used!).
I understand what you’re writing. (I can’t believe that there are real people like this, but it appears I’m wrong.) It seems money went to their heads and they’re acting like Vanderbilts and Rockafellas rather than Schwartzes and Goldbergs. You feel stuck because your bf, your Ken, enjoys spending time with them and their husbands. And all you can see is a lifetime of get-togethers where they’ll brag about what they’re doing or going or getting, and you’ll never be able to equal up to them, not that you want to or have to, but they’ll be making the comparison. You don’t want to keep complaining to your Ken because eventually, at the end of the day, they’re his sister and cousin. I hope that covers it.
Some would say to smile and nod and be done with it. Not me. From what you wrote, you seem to understand that their behavior is childish, and yes, very high-schoolish. To say that you will never have “the same” experiences or lives they have because your bf doesn’t earn as much money as their husbands (families have). Whoa!! Mean girl anyone? Just know, people born into money (and have class) never talk about money. They find it tacky. These Barbies would be referred to as “new money.” As the song says: “Money can’t buy you class. Elegance is learned.”
I have a few questions of my own: Does it make them feel better talking about being part of the one percent, making others feel like they can’t ever measure up (to what they married into – burn!)? Are they using any of their newfound wealth to actually do some chesed, or are they just enjoying writing a check that will help them get chosen as the next honoree of the next gala?
Lizzy Savetsky comes to mind as a very wealthy Jewish woman getting out there and trying to help Jewish causes (and the hostages). Lizzy walks the walk and talks the talk. Do the Barbies? Okay, I admit, I’m being cruel, especially with the last point I wrote; but seriously, I hope they are giving from their own time and money and helping am Yisrael when and where it counts. I never liked a bragger (I don’t like the term braggart) because I feel you’re just asking for an ayin ha’ra or something. Let us not forget that a couple of days after Kim Kardashian posted her gorgeous jewelry, her hotel room in Paris was robbed of said jewelry. I don’t want trouble knowing where I live, so I keep my mouth shut.
Skipper, you compared them to cheerleaders. Sad part is, they’re adults. The way that you worded your letter makes me think that you are not a wannabe. You don’t want to be like them. Yes, you would like to be liked by them and included in some way. They are family, after all. All of you will hang out, so it’s normal to want to be accepted by them, but the cheerleading analogy killed me. And their Kens? They seem interested in working, the market, making money. It would be hard to find middle ground and what to talk about with them. But don’t study. Be yourself. They aren’t Ken Jennings or Mayim Bialik, and millions aren’t watching. You only have to impress yourself. As long as you are proud of the way you act and what you say, that’s really all that matters.
Your bf sounds like he understands how difficult his sister and cousin are. It would be great if you all got along and you didn’t feel like you do, but this is how you feel and how things are. Your bf may not know to what extent the Barbies bother you, especially if he spends time with their husbands and isn’t all in on the girl chat. But you can tell him. You can also suggest sitting out on a night out. Either ask him to go out just with you or tell him to go without you, you’d rather have a quiet night to yourself. I wouldn’t suggest doing that all the time, but occasionally it’s okay. You will have to face these people. They are important in your bf’s life. Yes, you won’t be married and living with them, but you’ll be spending lots of time with them. Learn to find a happy medium or how to tolerate them.
And don’t be a Peggy Post! There was one already. Be you. Try not to be rude, two wrongs don’t make a right, and any lesson you try to teach will be lost or will backfire. Just be you.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
