This is one letter that I was hoping would be sent, but I didn’t want to hold out hope. I also didn’t want to hound the woman who wrote the original email. But imagine my surprise when I opened my email and saw her address in my inbox.
A couple of months ago, I published a letter from a woman who was married for over two decades, but because of her husband’s erratic behavior and antics, she finally decided to leave him for the sake of her children. She was stunned when her eldest son asked if she could delay leaving his father until he becomes a chasan because he doesn’t want his parents’ marital status to affect his shidduch prospects. She agreed, only to find out that her sons had already been affected by her husband’s behavior, which was well known by many. She was heartbroken to be told by shadchanim that her son doesn’t have a chance for a “good shidduch”; maybe he’ll get lucky with an “okay shidduch.”
The response to her letter was overwhelming. I published some and forwarded all to her. From time to time, I would think of her and her son and wonder what happened. Now I (and we) have the answer.
*****
Dear Goldy:
I hope you remember me [she summarizes her original email]. I’m writing to thank you for your help. Some of the emails I received were wonderful and led me to great shadchanim who couldn’t give two hoots about me and my husband. They were only concerned with finding my son his bashert. I wanted to send a follow-up because all that has happened began with me emailing you.
I thank all of the women who wrote in, giving me support and strength. There were some emails that criticized the way I referred to the families that my son was getting redt to. They were right. I admit that when I wrote the email, I was at one of my lowest points, so I may not have thought much about what I wrote or how I worded everything. I was hurt, and that’s what I wanted people to understand. But all shidduchim are good shidduchim. The way I wrote made it seem like I held myself and family to a higher standard than others, as if I wouldn’t consider a shidduch from what I referred to as a “nebach family” – but that’s how it was worded to me by those no-good shadchanim. I apologize to everyone who took offense to the words I used.
I am really writing to tell you that, baruch Hashem, my son became a chasan last night! I called the shadchanim that your readers referred me to. All of them were willing to help and, like I wrote, they didn’t care about my soon-to-be ex-husband. Yes, that’s right. I have started divorcing my husband. My younger children are supportive. They love their father, but they see who and what he is and how negatively he has affected their lives and what further damage he can do. I don’t know how I ended up with such wonderful children. I was prepared for arguments, but it was more like sad acceptance.
The shadchanim I called didn’t ask any weird questions like others did in the past. They wanted to know all about my son. Just my son. And yes, my son went to meet them on his own, as well. He was set up on a couple of dates that weren’t shayach, but from families that the other shadchanim led me to believe would never consider my son.
Then, one of the shadchanim called and said that she only knew of a girl and thought that she may be what my son is looking for, but had to contact another shadchan. Anyway, the girl and her family agreed to go on a date with my son and now I am planning a vort! The family is a wonderful, loving family who care more about how he treats their daughter than what my son’s father has done. And my son already treats her with special care, and she will be his eishes chayil. They took a chance with my son. They didn’t know the shadchan I was using and went just using the assurance of another shadchan that their daughter wouldn’t be set up with a dud or someone who was far from what she was looking for. She is lovely, beautiful on the inside and out. She’s a professional, graduated with her master’s degree, and is working in the family business.
When I first met her parents (my husband was not there), I was put at ease right away about my whole familial situation. It was how they spoke, and how welcome I felt. It was a nice feeling. They weren’t direct by saying anything about it to me. They were the exact opposite of what I dreaded and feared. They also told me not to worry about wedding expenses and to pay only what I am able to, and they will handle the rest. I didn’t write it in my original letter, but I am a teacher at a local yeshivah. From the time my children were young, I had their chasunos in mind. How would we pay for them? I always put a little aside for each of my children, but I knew it was never enough, and I always worried because the one thing I did know was that I couldn’t rely on my husband for the money. I didn’t feel bad or embarrassed. I pinched myself that my son (and I) got so lucky to be marrying into this wonderful family.
Thank you for printing my letter. Thank you to all of those who sent me emails. It was those emails that gave me the strength and hope. It was the shadchanim I was advised to call who really understood what it means to be a shadchan that restored my faith in shadchanim. And I thank Hashem for everything I have: my family, son, the new simchah I must plan, and even for my soon-to-be ex-husband. It hasn’t been easy, and it won’t be easy, but I know I am doing the right thing for me and my children. The women of klal Yisrael helped me realize that. And I was referred to a therapist that I began seeing, so maybe in the end, this will turn into a big positive for everyone.
Not a Heartbroken Mother Anymore
*****
I am so happy there is a happy ending here. As she wrote, the women of klal Yisrael who sent her emails gave her strength and support when she was at her lowest. This letter also renews my hope in shadchanim. May we all deal with the type of shadchanim this mother had the good fortune of being put in touch with. May all the shadchanim concentrate on the singles and not all the “shtuyos” that have no bearing on the character of the single and how the single will treat his/her spouse.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
