Dear Goldy:
I know you can relate to my issue. I’ve been in the parshah for decades and, baruch Hashem, I’ve gone out with plenty of men/boys. I’ve had a dry spell or two, but for the most part I’ve been dating. As you can imagine, if I’ve gone out for decades, then I may have dated hundreds of guys. You’re right. I didn’t keep a journal or will write book like you did. It was more for me. I’d write the guy’s name, a line or two about him, and the date, and that was it. It was really for the purpose of if I was ever redt to the same person and I couldn’t remember him or details... It’s not like I’m the only one doing this. Friends do it and I’m sure plenty of singles, male and female, do it.
I don’t mind when a friend calls to ask if I’ve heard of a guy or gone out with him and then asks about him. But it’s happening more often lately. Now people I don’t know have begun calling me, “Hi. So and so gave me your number. She said you went out with _____ and can tell me about him.” I’m very wary of these calls and have told my friends not to give anyone my name as a reference from the girl’s perspective of a date. I tell these people, I did go out with whomever they ask, but it was a while ago and I don’t remember details. Sometimes that satisfies them, but sometimes it doesn’t, and the people get pushy. I’m not about to ruin a shidduch by saying, “Yes, I went out with him, his resume said he was five foot ten, but he was barely five foot five, and he has no table manners at all. It was like eating with a caveman.” It wasn’t shayach between me and whoever it was, but I don’t want to give any information to a stranger that may convince her one way or another. I am not having that on my achrayus!
What about Instagram, X, Facebook…? Can’t people find out information that way? Yes, they can. I think they call me to find out if there’s anything bad they need to know about the guy. That’s wrong and disgusting. Okay, I’ll admit that I do tell my friends the truth, especially if it was a very bad date or if I know the shidduch is really not shayach, but other than that, I keep my mouth shut. My worry is I don’t want to be known as the girl to call to find out dirt about a guy – that can ruin my reputation. That’s why I don’t say anything, and I ask these people to tell whoever told them to call me, not to give out my number. Sometimes, I don’t even know the person who referred them to me. I don’t want these calls.
What can I do? The shidduch world is small. If my name starts getting out there for “who to call for dirt,” it’ll really hurt me in many ways.
Shayna
Thank you for your email, Shayna.
You’re right: I can relate to keeping a list and some details of the date and of the fellow. But like you, I don’t give out any information about anyone if I don’t know the caller. Baruch Hashem, the calls are getting less and less, because lots of time has passed, and my friends, as well as the fellows, have gotten married or moved on or away. You are doing the right thing by not giving them any information other than yes, you went out, but can’t remember much. To tell you the truth, you don’t even have to admit you went out with the fellow – are they going to accuse you of being a liar? Were they a fly on the wall during your date? All you have to say is they are mistaken, and you didn’t date.
I have no idea why strangers ask opinions of other strangers when it comes to important matters (I’m not referring to this column, because I let the person decide on their own. I may voice both sides of the issue, but I don’t tell anyone what to do.) I mean, if I’m in a store shopping and I want to know if I look good in a dress, I may ask a woman standing near me. But to ask about someone who was suggested to you for the purpose of dating and eventually (hopefully) marrying? Absolutely not! You are not them. You have not had their same experiences in life, haven’t been taught how to intellectualize situations, whether to brush something off or to make it an issue, your feelings and emotions are different from theirs. So why would they rely on a total stranger asking their opinion of what they thought of a person they have never met either? It makes no sense. “Someone whom I never met thought he’s a major nerd, so I better not date him. Whew! I dodged a bullet there.” No! That’s ridiculous.
We may not like the calls, but they are going to keep coming. People want to know as much about someone as they can before agreeing to one date. Note that I didn’t say committing to one date because a commitment, in my opinion, is for something intended for the long term, not for three hours next Thursday. You’re so silly thinking people would be satisfied with just looking up the intended date on social media. They want to know nitty gritty. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth. If it wasn’t, then maybe they would just take the word of the shadchan (“he’s a great guy”) and go on a date once redt. You can’t blame these people for doing their due diligence. But when does it stop? I’m disappointed to have read that some aren’t satisfied with your pareve answer. They keep pressing for details. Have we not learned anything from watching Law & Order SVU? Keep pressing for details or suggesting something that never happened or wasn’t there and a new narrative can be created that isn’t the truth. Maybe some details were “remembered,” once you were asked, “did he hold the car door open for you?” Now you remember that he didn’t, but failed to mention it was raining cats and dogs and you can’t fault him for that because he ran into the car just like you, so as not to get soaked. But now the person who has heard this thinks he has no manners. Ugh! I hate it.
Even by responding with pareve answers, you may get the reputation that you don’t want. If strangers are calling you, referred from strangers...? Your name is already being passed around as someone “in the know.” It’s not fair, but it’s happening. But, Shayna, I doubt you’re being equated with Page Six. You’re not giving juicy stories about someone or hinting that there may be more than meets the eye. As you wrote in the beginning of your letter, plenty of singles keep some sort of log/ journal about their dates. Friends call friends about people. It happens. It’s just weird when a stranger calls saying she was referred to you in order to find out about _______. And I’m not talking about being called as a general reference. They are calling you because they want to know what the shadchan left out or didn’t want to say. It’s wrong. But again, it happens. People won’t change, but at least you aren’t adding to the issue. Keep providing the responses you’ve been giving. Hopefully, the calls will become less and less. But who knows?
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
