Dear Goldy:
I went out a few times with a girl. The next thing I know, the shadchan calls and told me that the girl doesn’t want to see me again. The reason: She thought I was too argumentative and that I disagreed “with everything she was saying.”
Obviously, we are looking at one situation from two different points of view. Sure, there were some things I disagreed with her about, but I never once thought we were having an argument. I thought we were giving our opinion on topics and issues, and some of them didn’t mesh. We all don’t have to agree all the time.
I thought back. We spoke about many things, but the only things that we disagreed on were Trump (I never wanted to speak politics in the first place, because it can get dicey. She brought Trump up a couple of times), social media, young teens (I have nieces and nephews who are 10-15 years old, and most of what they would see on social media isn’t appropriate), and a store in her neighborhood that is selling marijuana. She brought up these topics. I went along. I didn’t scream or call her an idiot because her views weren’t the same as mine. But one of the above topics we spoke about during our first date, and she still went out twice more.
I dodged a bullet by having her break up with me if she thinks I was too argumentative or angry or whatever she thought. Better to find out now then down the road if we were to get more involved. But how can people have a discussion or talk about their opinions without the other person feeling attacked or that you are “too argumentative” or too tough? Do we have to start apologizing for our opinions now?
Michael
*****
Thank you for your email and question, Michael. First, I will begin by saying that people interpret words, conversations, and tones differently. So, when you think you may be having a regular conversation, the other person may think it’s a heated debate or may get offended that you didn’t readily agree with him/her, which shows you’re not loyal. They can think anything they want.
There are things in life to apologize for, and there are things that don’t warrant an apology. Maybe we have a guilty conscience and that’s why we go around apologizing just as a clown hands out balloons. But I am adamant that there are just some things in life that a person does not have to apologize for.
One should never apologize for having an opinion. Everyone was raised in an environment, whether it was nature or nurture, that affected the way they think and process information. I strongly feel that even in a heated debate, all points should be said with the utmost respect to the one you are speaking or debating with. But don’t apologize for your thoughts. And it doesn’t sound to me like you were disrespectful, from your point of view. We think and make important decisions at work; why should life (and dating) be any different? Won’t your future spouse want you to have an opinion instead of always agreeing with her? I’m not talking about the “What do you want for supper” discussion, where each spouse says, “whatever you want.” I’m talking about actual topics of conversation and worldly issues. Unless you grew up isolated in a bubble, chances are that you have an opinion about everything, if not most things. Disagreeing with someone’s opinion is not being rude; it’s being human. We all think differently! Yes, we all want to make a good impression on a date, especially if we like the person whom we’re with. We may not want to “rock the boat,” but then you aren’t truly being yourself if you hide your opinion from others for fear that they won’t like you. Be proud of who you are and stand up for your beliefs!
No matter the topic, I don’t believe in verbally fighting below the belt, saying something that you know will hurt the person you’re speaking with or deliberately choosing to speak about a topic that is sensitive to them. In todays’ world, anything can set anyone off. Even if you are doing your best not to offend someone and you try to articulate your thoughts in the best non-offensive way, you still may be offending them. But I’m not speaking about that. People who are looking to be offended and who will tear apart whatever you say, play the victim are not the people I am referring to in this situation. But still, let’s all be a mentch even when arguing with someone (especially in a public setting). Maybe the woman wanted someone to agree with her on everything. She wants someone to think that her thoughts and opinions are brilliant, and if you agree with her, then you’re brilliant, too. This woman could be sensitive and think you were angry or yelling at her. Who knows what is going on in her mind. Maybe you did avoid a bullet, but I don’t know, since I wasn’t there on the date to listen to the discussions, tone of voice, body language. But if you think this is for the better, then good. Move on.
Whatever feelings/thoughts you have about a topic, you should always feel free to voice them in a respectful way. The other person may not respect your opinion or may think you are yelling at her. But if you do it like a mentch and in a way you would want someone to speak to you, then all should be fine. Just be worried when someone mistakes your opinion for being “too opinionated” or “too argumentative.” That may be a red flag.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
