I’ve had this article in reserve for a while. I wrote it and decided not to publish it. This weekly column is about dating. I didn’t want to branch out and start writing about other things, even though marriage is the next step after dating/getting engaged. I’m not like celebrities who use their platform to push another agenda. I may like them because of the characters they play in a television series or movie, but then they start preaching about air pollution or politics. I like them because of what they do: They act. I don’t want to hear what they have to say about our carbon footprint or anything of the sort. Stay in your lane: acting. I want to stick with dating and engagement. But a friend of mine advised me to write an article about being a good wife (but spouse seems more appropriate because I try to help both men and women). I began searching my files for this article and with a few minor edits, here it is:
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“Now what?” I dated, found my zivug, had a nice wedding, and then we finished celebrating sheva brachos. Now what do I do? I know more than a few people who faced this question, even me. I’ve written that my brother-in-law referred to me as “The Queen of First Dates,” because I had gone on so many of them. I knew how to date, but not how to be a wife. I wasn’t totally clueless; I lived with my parents: a married couple for my entire life. Both sets of grandparents had celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. By the time I got married, my sister and brother-in-law had celebrated over a decade of marriage. So, I had a clue how to be a wife. But my goal was to be a “good wife.” What can I say, I like to be an overachiever. When I do something, I throw my whole self into it and want to excel at it. Now as a newlywed, I was faced with the most important task/role (for lack of a better word) of my entire life.
As I have always said, and as I had been advised by a very wise special person: “One plus one is always two. But when you deal with people and their emotions and opinions, there is no one correct answer and there is plenty of gray areas. Everything is subjective to interpretation.” My former staff heard me say that so many times. They knew that they couldn’t deal with every client the same way. They may have taken the time to answer all the clients’ questions and explained everything four times, to ensure that the client understood everything. But when it came to filling out the Satisfaction Survey, they could be graded as Excellent or Poor depending on how the client interpreted their actions. And they may get a grading of “Fair/Poor” from that client because as the client wrote in the comment section, “Navigator seemed to get frustrated by having to explain things so many times. I wanted to understand what I was enrolling in. She seemed to have lost enthusiasm halfway through our appointment.” My staff member on the other hand thought the appointment went very well. Two views reflecting on the same meeting. As a kallah, I wanted my new husband to “grade me,” as “Excellent New Wife.” But how could I excel at something that I’ve never actually done. Watching the Tour de France year after year did not mean that I was able to ride a bicycle much less ride in hundreds of miles in a time span of a two weeks (or however long the race lasts.)
My first lesson in marriage came early on, and it was sent by way of dinner. I knew how to cook. My mother a”h would always serve a three-course dinner. Nothing fancy, even though it may sound to the contrary. Dinner usually consisted of soup/salad, entrée with side dish, and dessert. I had spent dozens of Shabbosim with my sister and her family by then, so I kinda had an idea of how to prepare supper. Boy, was I wrong. I prepared meals as my mother and sister did for someone who ate the same amount of food as my father and brother-in-law. Have any of you ever seen my husband? Yeah, my fellow doesn’t eat half as much as they do. My dear husband let it slide for about a month before he made a comment. Here, I thought I was being a great balabusta and he’s thinking I’m wasting so much food and time cooking for an army when he would be just as happy with a single piece of chicken or salmon. I honestly thought I had failed as a wife. Yes, even Goldy had a typical new-wife moment. My husband and I discussed meals and how much to prepare. I’m not saying it has made deciding what to prepare for dinner easier, but it certainly simplified the actual preparing (and cleaning up). Lesson learned: While you may know how to do something, now that you are married, you must add your spouse’s feelings, behaviors, likes, dislikes, and actual appetite into consideration. Do not take what you have seen in your family while growing up or in the movies and apply it to your new life without thinking, “How will he/she feel about this?”
I am thinking of one particular individual in my life. By all accounts, she is “normal,” whatever that term means anymore. But when it comes to how to raise her children and how she interacts with her husband, she and I do not see eye to eye. She grew up in a family system very different from mine. What she thinks of as “perfectly normal,” I raise my eyebrows at and I’m sure she does the same when I talk about my children and husband. Her idea of being a good wife is very different from mine and that’s fine. I’m sure there was a period of adjustment when she was a kallah, and maybe she experienced something similar to my “dinner discussion.” I know for a fact that she grew up very differently than her husband did. Did her husband expect his marriage to be like his parents? Was she expecting to emulate her parents’ marriage?
Besides finding out what your chasan and kallah want out of life and what their hashkafah is, and where they want to live, you need to discuss what their expectations are of a spouse – and I’m not just referring to “I’ll cook and you’ll wash the dishes.” Don’t treat your spouse like you think you should; treat him/her how they want to be treated. You need to discuss it. Your intentions may be good – as were mine. But my husband did not want a three-course dinner; so while I thought I was doing the right thing, it wasn’t the right thing for him. There is no right or wrong answer to, “How to be a good husband/wife?” I can only give you the keys to unlocking this age-old question, but you must figure out which keys are the right ones for your marriage and in what order. In my opinion some of the keys are:
Open communication, honesty (if you really can’t stand one trait of theirs or something else, discuss it with them, in the right way).
Never compare people/marriages. Know the person that you marry. This is a blank slate. Your story isn’t written yet. While you may want to follow examples set by other couples, you and your spouse are not that other couple. Keep your eyes in your own house/apartment; don’t be a Lookyloo.
Set nothing in stone until it is discussed and both parties agree. A very bad idea would be to say, “my way or the highway.”
Be open to adjust and reset the way you think. Of course, we always think that our way of thinking is the right one – but do you want to be right or do you want a happy marriage? Think about it.
Respect each other. That may be the most important of all. Without respecting your spouse, why would you want to adjust/reset the way you think and do things.
If at first, you don’t succeed – keep trying. Marriage is work. It’s not easy. It’s normal to have disagreements, fights, up and down – however you may refer to it. Don’t look at your first disagreement as a failure. Keep working at it.
Again, these are just some keys that will help all be a good spouse. Like a recipe, it may have to be tweaked in some areas to fit your palette or in this case your marriage.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
