Dear Goldy:
My profile is on a few dating websites. I was contacted by a guy from one of them. We began communicating online and then, when we realized things were still moving in the right direction, we started calling each other and hearing each other’s voice. So far, so good, right?
We made plans to meet one day, but he never called to confirm. We didn’t end up meeting, which kind of disappointed me. Later that night, he called and was very apologetic. He said a family emergency came up and he couldn’t make the date and forgot to call. We continued talking past that. Two nights ago, we were supposed to go out, again. We had definite plans. He said he’d let me know, when he got off from work, where to meet and when. The text never came. I waited all night. At 10 p.m., I texted, “This is the second time in a row. I don’t know if I’m going to give you a chance for a third strike.” I was angry and disappointed, but I didn’t want to yell at him over a text, so I thought I made it kind of funny.
I haven’t received a text or a call back. I’m hurt because I was looking forward to meeting someone and hoping it led to a relationship. It’s not like I told him my darkest secrets and now I feel vulnerable and used. But I do feel used in another way. Was talking to me just a way to kill time? Was he interested in me? After not contacting me for two days, it’s done. I have no hope for another communication of any type with him. And if he does contact me, I’ll just tell him he isn’t for me. But what happened? He just ghosted me.
Rochelle
*****
Thank you, Rochelle, for your letter.
Firstly, as I always say, you never have to apologize for your emotions. You don’t have to tell me (or the readers) why you were hurt. You had plans and he was a no show both times. And now he hasn’t even had the courtesy to contact you?! Be as hurt or as not hurt as you want to be.
It sounds like this fellow, who I will refer to as Avi, ghosted you. I don’t know what the point of all the emails and phone calls were about if he wasn’t interested, unless this was all a catfish game to him. (Catfishing someone is when someone sets up an online fake identity and uses it to trick or control others.) Some people communicate with their catfish for years before they find out that everything that was said and done was a lie, or a trick played on them by someone that has nothing better to do with themselves, or a former enemy who wants revenge.
Rochelle, consider yourself very lucky that you figured things out this early. From the way you wrote, I don’t think you and Avi were talking/texting for months on end before he didn’t text details the first time. To have him apologize and set up a second date, it was to reel you back in. It doesn’t matter if he provided details of his family emergency to you. Unfortunately, I have had my share of emergencies and I have always found time to text someone who was relying/counting/waiting for me in any capacity – even if the text was, “So sorry. Family emergency. TTYL” (Talk To You Later). Even in times of crisis, some can take a moment to think of others. Yet, I am not everyone and everyone’s mind works and prioritizes things differently. On the bright side, at least you heard from him later that day.
This second no show – or rather no giving of information – I find that suspicious. You wrote that you had “definite plans.” I’m not sure what you mean by that, because you didn’t have a time or destination. I’m guessing that he said, “I’m gonna meet you on _____ night. It won’t be like last time. Make sure you’re free on _____ and I’ll text you details when I get out of work.” To me, that’s just “plans.” The “definite” would be arranging to meet at a place at a specific time. (But that’s just me and my nutty ways.)
Am I calling Avi a liar or a catfish? No, only because I don’t know many facts, because your letter didn’t have many details (which is fine). I’m just saying that Avi seems to be calling the shots here. You’re responding when he contacts you. You are ready to meet him and are just waiting for the specifics. The fact that it’s been two days, and you haven’t heard from him after your text, that kind of finalizes it for me. Some may say I’m being harsh and maybe I am – but for someone to stand you up – the term kids use is “ghost,” because POOF! (they’re gone) says a lot. Actions speak louder than words. Here, he didn’t even use any words. I liked the text you sent him. You let him know how you felt, and you weren’t going to give him another chance to disappoint you. But he never responded! A real man would have texted, called, apologized within the day.
Rochelle, I have watched more than my fair share of Catfish the TV show and reality TV (unfortunately) and have spent years studying sociology, “the study of the development, structure, and functioning of human society.” And I still can’t tell you why people do what they do. It’s like trying to explain to a five-year-old why another child hit them. We know that the child had his/her reasons for hitting, but we don’t know that, and so we try to reason it out with the child it happened to: “He didn’t know how to use his words,” or “She wanted the toy you have and didn’t know how to ask for it,” or something similar. But then when you ask the child who did the hitting, “Why did you hit the other child?” Their answer could be as simple as, “I just wanted to.” No deep hidden meaning. It was a bad thing to do, and it was done. Consider yourself lucky, Rochelle. Some people carry on a relationship with the other person, never meeting them or Skyping in a well-lit room (well enough to see their face clearly) for years, and then when the truth comes out, the fallout is horrible. They gave over years of their life to this fake person. They confided secrets, hopes for the future, their joys, fears – all for nothing. They were entertainment for someone. It’s worse than awful.
I know you said you don’t feel “vulnerable and used,” but in a way, Avi took something from you other than time. You wrote you had hoped this would turn into a relationship. He took that hope away. He may also have taken away your carefree nonchalant spirit of responding to someone on a dating website. You may be more cautious in doing so now. You may be cautious with what you disclose next time you begin communicating with someone from a website. It may be these small things, or it may not, and I’m the one reading too much into things now.
You asked me what happened. My only answer is that someone wasn’t as nice as he should have been. I hope that Avi is real, and he has a great excuse for why the two dates never took place and why he never contacted you, but most probably he doesn’t. It is what it is. Move on. Don’t give Avi another thought. People do mean things because they want to. It may make them feel good or they like to have the power. (You were waiting for him to tell you where to go.)
Dating is hard out there without all this making it tougher.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
