Dear Goldy:
I’ve spoken with my best friend and mother about this, and they both say it’s a bad idea. I’m turning to you because there is something in me that needs to do this, no matter what the outcome.
In the last few years, I dated this one guy a few times. Each time, we’d date for a while, not a couple of weeks; but then something would always go wrong. We’re both passionate, emotional people, and I guess our emotions got the best of us. So, we’d break up. But then, within a few months, one of us would call the other, apologize for letting things get out of hand and eventually...we’d get back together. The last time I dated “Jerry” was February. That time, we made it to Pesach, but again, things blew up and we broke up.
Last month, I found out that Jerry had gotten engaged. I’m heartbroken. I thought that eventually we’d get back together, and this would be the final time. I don’t want stupid fights to be the end of us. I want to spend the rest of my life with Jerry. I was going to explain this to him next time we got together. Besides being heartbroken, I am angry. How could he do that? Just move on? We have years of history together. Could this be his rebound girl and he fell too hard for her? I’ve heard of people getting in deep and engaged with their rebound person after a long relationship.
I need to talk to Jerry. I need to see him and explain this to him. I love him. I can’t let this go. I can’t let him marry someone else without him knowing how I really feel and that I’m willing to put all our petty differences behind us to build a future together. This can’t be a phone conversation. I can’t risk him not picking up or hanging up on me before I tell him everything. My best friend and mom said not to even think of doing this or speaking with Jerry in any way. He made his decision. Let him live his life. But I can’t. This is all I think of. I want Jerry to know how I feel and then make the decision if he still wants to remain engaged to his fiancée. I look at this as giving him a chance to make a decision knowing all the facts. Plus, I’m pretty sure he’ll pick me.
What do you think?
Julie
*****
Julie, thank you for your email.
Julie, stand down. Pump the breaks. Do not make any calls to Jerry. STOP. And yes, stop in the name of love before you break your heart and everyone else’s, with all the trouble you will start.
I understand how you feel from what you wrote. You always thought you’d end up with Jerry. Maybe all this passionate fighting and breaking up was part of your love story with him, but this is real life. It almost reads like you think you’re entitled to Jerry, that he is yours to have. Jerry has moved on. He has picked up the pieces of his life. He has realized that he may not want all the drama that being in a relationship with you entails. For whatever the reason, Jerry made his choice, and he dated others. He found someone whom he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with and he’s willing to endure an argument with her and stick around, without breaking up. Who are you to come in and ruin that? Who are you to think that by you telling him how you feel Jerry will only the be able to make a well-informed decision and he’d choose you.
I don’t fully understand when you wrote that you and Jerry are passionate, emotional people, especially when you fight. What I picture is two people dating, having a wonderful time, but letting emotions get the best of them and going separate ways before things got too volatile. Maybe it was for the best that you and Jerry broke up. Eventually one of you was able to see the big picture and realize that whatever you fought about wasn’t worth it in the long run, so you gave it another shot – only to have it happen again. I’m not denying your love for him and that you are in pain, but to presume that Jerry is rebounding, and that he needs to know the real truth, is presumptuous of you.
Have you ever thought of Jerry’s feelings? His real feelings? Maybe he really does love this woman. He did offer to spend the rest of his life with her. What would you be doing to Jerry with your “confession?” Do you see this as a “moment?” It’s not a moment. It’s not a play or movie. This is Jerry’s life, and you will really put a kink in it, or maybe even upend it if you tell him you “love him and want to put your petty fights aside...” I wasn’t even a fly on the wall to know what type of relationship you had with Jerry, but it seems tumultuous at times. Again, I’m not denying the love, but to actually write that you are both passionate and emotional and broke up a few times only to come back together months later may mean that the passion and emotion – of the fighting – will always be there. You can’t just say “We’ll never fight again,” or think you’ll be able to weather all future fights when you have broken up numerous times when you have fought. Will you keep your opinions to yourself? Not show true emotions in order to let the argument pass? Then is that fair to you? To him? You won’t find a bigger romantic than me. I’m all for the happily ever after. I read the last few pages of a book (sometimes first) to find out if the characters end up together riding into the sunset. But this is life. This isn’t The Notebook or a Nicholas Sparks book.
If you do go ahead and meet with Jerry, have you thought of if your plans go awry? What if Jerry tells you that he loves his fiancée and chooses her over you even knowing how much you love him? Wouldn’t that further devastate you? Are you thinking about what your selfish (yes, selfish) statement will do to Jerry if – and that’s a big if – he’s having second thoughts after you speak with him. This situation now involves a third person and her life! She didn’t ask to be brought into your drama. And it is your drama. You are about to shatter this woman’s world. Even if Jerry chooses her, don’t you think Jerry will tell her about your encounter in order to remain truthful and open with her? Because this would be one heck of a secret to keep.
Honestly, it seems that you see someone playing with a toy you threw out and now you want it back. The toy is still the same. Whatever reason that made you throw it out is still there; it didn’t magically disappear. But as soon as you saw the pretty little freckle-faced girl with pigtails in her hair playing with it, you’re laying claim to it. And it’s not yours to lay claim to.
Heed your mother’s and friends’ advice. This sounds like a bad idea. If you wanted to get back together with Jerry and not let the little petty fights get in the way, why didn’t you pick up the phone months ago and tell him? Don’t wait for someone to do what you want them to do if you don’t tell them what you want them to do. You’ll end up disappointed, like now. Did you come to this revelation once you learned that Jerry found his bashert? If yes, then it’s not love that you are feeling. You are jealous and angry that Jerry chose someone who wasn’t you. I’m sorry to sound harsh, but that’s the way I see it.
Julie, do what you want. You’ve heard what three people have to say and they are all of the same opinion. I hope you are able to move past this and find your own bashert. But if you do end up meeting Jerry, let me know what happens. What? I’m free to give an opinion and want to know the outcome if Julie decides not to listen to it.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
