Dear Goldy:
I am currently dating my friend’s cousin. She and I have been friends since high school. We always joked that we’d love to be family – if one of us married the other’s brother or cousin – but now I am actually dating her cousin. My friend, let’s call her Ethel, is very excited about this whole thing. I didn’t tell her about it. As usual, she heard it through the grapevine.
Her cousin is great. I’m hoping this’ll go somewhere, but my friend is convinced it will, and she is willing to do anything to help. Yes, we talk about our dates, but I don’t usually tell her about them while I’m going out with the specific guy. I’ll tell her about someone whom “I dated a couple of times last month.” I never talk as I’m dating the guy. Too many things can go wrong, ayin ha’ra, etc.
Whenever she finds out that I went out with her cousin, the night or a couple of nights earlier she’ll start asking me questions about where we went, what was said, etc. Usually I wouldn’t mind, because eventually I’d end up telling her about the guy I’m dating, but it’s different now. Now it’s her cousin. And now she is telling me things that she feels are important for me to know while dating him. She’ll say things like, “If he takes you to Starbucks, he’s going to get tea. He’s not a coffee type of guy. So maybe don’t mention how many coffees you drink a day.
Another time, she said that she knew he was going to take me to a park and I should steer the conversation towards “getting lost in parks,” because his sister got lost in a park years ago and “it was a whole big thing. The family loves that story.” Ethel also warned me about not being as sarcastic as I usually am, because he may not “get it” all the time and he may thing I’m rude or mean. I told her that I can date on my own and have been doing fine until now without her input. As a joke (I hope), she said, “but you’re still single, so maybe listen to me this time.” That stung. It wouldn’t have done any good to mention that she’s also single.
I can’t seem to get Ethel to stop giving me pointers or hints on how to date her cousin. She’s making me edgy and nervous because I hear her voice in my head saying, “Don’t do___” or “Make sure you do ____.”
How can I get her to keep her nose out of my current business?
Edith
*****
Thank you for your email (love the names you chose to use).
As you said, you would normally discuss your dating life with your friend, but only after you stopped dating whoever you had been dating. I understand completely, not wanting to jinx anything or having unsolicited advice swimming around in your head, like you have now. You can tell Ethel the same rules apply while dating her cousin. Although I could see her brushing that statement off and saying she would not jinx you in fact, she’s doing her best to help and not jinx you.
Edith, you need to be truthful with Ethel. You love her, would “love” to be part of the family, but you have to date her cousin your way – without snippets of advice or what not to do’s. Tell her that she is the one making you edgy and nervous. True, you have dated on your own until now – and true, you are not yet married, but that has nothing to do with her giving you the inside scoop. You wrote it yourself. Her words are playing on you, and you can’t approach dating her cousin without the extra pressure you feel from her. Her “help” is actually making things worse for you.
I’m all for friends helping others with dating advice – if asked – but as soon as I read that Ethel told you to put the brakes on your sarcasm and not to be truthful about your love of coffee/caffeine, the bus veered left there for me. I know she’s trying to help in her own way, but what do I always say? Be yourself. Don’t pretend to be anyone or anything you’re not because it isn’t fair to you or to whom you are dating. And if Ethel’s cousin would find it problematic that you drink two and three quarters cups of coffee a day (like me!), what else would he find a problem with? Just be yourself. I’m also sure that without you steering the conversation towards getting lost in parks, Ethel’s cousin would tell you the story if in fact was a “whole big thing” and they love talking about it. How would you steer the conversation toward getting lost in a park? That would be pretty specific, and he may realize you were given a heads up.
If Ethel knew how much of an issue her “helping” was for you, I’m sure she would stop. She wouldn’t do anything detrimental to this budding relationship. If she truly is a friend and wants you in the family, she will take a step back. I understand her intentions, but it’s not working for you. Don’t overthink anything here. View it as you would view and think of anyone else you have dated. Put the “cousin” factor to the side. Do not touch it.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
