I once (or twice) wrote about a fellow I dated one time. Sure, on paper he was great, but in person he was far from great. You know how people tell cute stories of themselves or family members on dates as an ice breaker or the start of a getting to know you conversation? His idea of a “cutesy” story was telling me how he regularly screams at his grandmother who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and living in his family.
He wouldn’t stop yelling until the grandmother would get so agitated and disturbed, she’d walk out the front door. He laughed, telling me how his mother had to sometimes scour the neighborhood looking for her mother. And if that wasn’t bad enough, he listed all the reasons why his older sister was still single: “She’s ugly, has a bad personality...” It was his own words that did him in. If this is how he treated and thought of his family, how would he act with my family or when we have a family? He didn’t cast himself in a good light, to say the least.
The fellow written about in the following email seemed to have the same issue. He was done in by his own words. He has no one to blame but himself.
*****
Dear Goldy:
I went out with someone for a long while. I’m not picky, but I really want to finish school. (I want to be a forensic psychologist – yes, like on TV.) School keeps me pretty busy, and I tell shadchanim that I want to finish my degree where I live and not have to transfer programs, so whomever I marry will have to agree to live out of New York at least until I earn my degree.
My neighbor, who has known me for my entire life, set me up with a friend of a friend’s son. He was willing to drive in for dates. On some dates, we would meet halfway between his home city and mine. We had many Zoom dates. Things were going well. I like to take things slow, so I’m not saying that we were seriously dating or that I was waiting for him to propose. Yes, he was nice and kind, but sometimes when he spoke, especially of others, he would speak in a very crass way. I didn’t like the words he was using and, like you say, words count. They have value.
One example is: He works in a nursing home. One time, when he was talking about work, he told me about “an old lady who kept yelling from her wheelchair that no one was helping her, and I said, ‘Look, lady, you’re in a wheelchair, so obviously someone helped you into it.’” It was how he said it and the disgust on his face when speaking about the woman that made me feel uneasy.
Second example is another work example. My grandfather is a double amputee due to diabetes. He was telling me a story about how some of the men on one floor of the home got into a very animated game of Penuckle, “And then the g—p screamed bloody murder because he thought the other guy was cheating.” First of all, the “g” word is unacceptable. It’s an old, outdated word used by ignorant people. I haven’t even heard that word for years. What bothers me is that he knows about my grandfather, and he still chose to use those words. He didn’t say “amputee” or even just leave out that part because it had nothing to do with the story.
The last example I’ll provide isn’t work-related. We were talking about qualities that we want our spouses to have. One of the “qualities” that is important to him is “being consistent.” That’s fine. We all want consistency with someone we love; knowing that we can count on them, or not count on them when things get tough. He willingly gave an example of something that happened to him in high school. And let me tell you that it was a very inappropriate example to give. I thought he’d say something like, if I’m against smoking, I’ll never smoke or vape. “Vaping is like smoking.” That would be a great example. But he went in the opposite way.
There are a few other things he has said and did that just tell me that we are in very different places and we aren’t a match made in heaven. At the end of the last date, I told him this. I was very specific about why I didn’t want to go out with him again. For some reason, he didn’t understand. He said that the examples I gave didn’t prove anything other than I’m a word snob. Whatever. I was ending it. He can’t force me into any more dates.
Doesn’t he understand that he was the one who made me realize that he wasn’t for me? It was his words, and it wasn’t a one-time offense. It happened several times, which tells me it’s part of who he is. He had the shadchan call me a day later and I didn’t want to explain the crass language he used or how negatively he described others. I don’t have to give an “acceptable” reason as to why I, an adult, don’t want to go out with someone I don’t want to date.
Chanie
*****
Chanie, thank you for your letter, and good luck in school.
You said it yourself: You don’t have to give a reason that anyone finds acceptable as to why you don’t want to date someone. If you aren’t “feeling it,” or if you aren’t enjoying yourself, or if you think something is fishy – cut the ties. Break up. It only has to make sense to you. It’s your life. If you will not regret breaking up with someone over an issue, then do it.
Let me add that maybe he should look for a job in a different field. Seems to me that he doesn’t think well of our older generation and may have chosen this field of work for the title, salary he can earn, etc. From how you wrote it, he didn’t seem kind, sympathetic, or understanding, or have any other quality someone working with older people should have. I find it in poor taste that the “g” word was used, especially if he knew that your grandfather is a double amputee.
I don’t know what example he provided from back in high school when trying to explain consistency to you – although that word doesn’t need much explaining or defining, but I can only imagine.
This “mature adult” may not be aware of how offensive his language is or care if it is offensive to some. If he speaks like this at home, with friends and family, and no one has corrected him or told him how inappropriate some of the words that come out of his mouth are, then they aren’t doing him any favors. By him calling you a word snob just tells me he has no self-awareness of what he’s doing/saying, and how it affects others. He doesn’t have to understand why you broke things off. All he has to do is accept it. I have had men say they didn’t want another date with me for crazy reasons – remember the one who didn’t like the picture of a rav in my parents’ house and said he can’t date someone who has a portrait if “him” in the house? Was that normal? No. But it made sense to him. I just let it go and considered myself lucky.
Keep studying and keep being true to yourself.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
