Dear Goldy:
I know I will come off sounding like a selfish child, but you always say not to apologize for your feelings. There are a few people who know how I feel: my parents and my siblings. Not my friends or my will-be-chasan. Yes, “will be,” because he has unofficially proposed. By the time you publish my letter (if you do) I may be officially engaged.
My chasan’s grandfather is in the hospital. He’s very sick. We daven for a r’fuah, but the family has heard what the doctors have been saying. They’ve been going through this with his grandfather a long time. The term “hospice care” has been discussed. My chasan is very close to his grandfather. His grandfather has been living with him since the grandmother passed away over a decade ago. They walk to and from shul together, have a standing breakfast appointment every Sunday for bagels – just the two of them. My chasan knows that his grandfather will be passing away within the next few weeks, if not months.
It was that reason he asked if I would get married in his grandfather’s room, whether it be in a hospital or in hospice care. I was taken aback for a moment. I know of one story of a couple getting married in a hospital room, but it was because one of the chasan’s parents was very sick and the chasan wanted that parent at the wedding. A few months later, there was a big party. I don’t know the details of what happened. But there was a celebration. The sick parent attended in a wheelchair and passed away a few weeks later.
I know that you know what I am going to write next: Of course, I would love for my chasan’s grandfather to be at our wedding and can understand if he can’t make it because of how frail and sick he is. But I never imagined getting married in a hospital or hospice room for someone who wasn’t one of my chasan’s parents. Well, I never imagined getting married in any place that wasn’t a hall with friends and family, dancing, everyone laughing and it being the wedding of my dreams – whatever my dreams may be. I know that a healthy marriage involves giving and taking, making sacrifices. But I never thought I’d have to give up my actual wedding. My parents assured me that they would rent a hall, caterers, band – and it will be a wonderful party. But there would be no badeken or walking down the aisle. Yes, it’ll be great; but can’t I be upset that I am not going to have the typical type of wedding – the one 99% of kallahs have – no matter what size or what hall/shul?
How can I say “no” to such a request. I initially told him it was something I never thought about and would definitely think about. I’ve thought about it. I’ve spoken about it. Yes, I want my chasan’s grandfather to be at his grandson’s wedding. I want my husband to have his grandfather at his simchah. I do not feel pressured to make this choice, but I do feel sad about the wedding that I won’t have.
Does that make sense?
A Kallah
*****
Kallah, mazal tov on your engagement and thank you for the email.
Yes, don’t apologize for your feelings. Who cares what others think? If we have to deny to ourselves what we really feel, then whom is that helping? You can put on a happy face all you want; but be true to how you feel. I understand what you mean when you said that people may think you’re selfish for wanting the wedding that you always dreamed of – whatever that may be. “Doesn’t she care of how much it will mean to her chasan and his family if the grandfather is there? Have a party later. Geez, it’s a no-brainer.” It’s not a no-brainer because your brain is thinking about it.
I remember when my sister was getting married. My maternal grandmother had been sick and, in the weeks leading up to the wedding, she was hospitalized. There wasn’t any thought of having any part of the wedding in the hospital. Why? Because my grandmother wasn’t the same loving grandmother and mother she had been for decades. My grandmother wouldn’t have known if she was at my sister’s wedding, in the hospital, or in the rehab facility. Yes, we brought my brother-in-law to “meet” her when they were first engaged. Do we know if my grandmother fully understood who he was and what was happening? We don’t think so. But this is a very different type of situation if your chasan’s grandfather has all of his cognitive abilities. If the grandfather has all his senses, knows how sick he is, and that his grandson is going to become a chasan, it is a heartbreaking time for all.
Was it fair to ask this of you for a grandparent? That’s a topic that I don’t want to get in the middle of. But I will say: If the grandfather’s presence will make that much of a difference to your chasan, it isn’t an outrageously odd request. I do know a couple that got married in the hospital because the chasan’s father was very sick. It could be the same family you wrote of, I don’t know; but as you said, for a parent you would expect such a request. But some may ask: If your chasan backed you into a corner by asking, because who would deny such a request, especially knowing you would have the celebration at a later date? Somebody is bound be hurt in some way, but not because the other person did anything hateful or evil. You always imagined and hoped for a wedding with a badeken, aisle walking, chupah, first dance, and he wants his grandfather whom he has an especially close relationship with there.
You don’t need me to tell you that you’re doing the right thing for agreeing to this. It is more than gracious and kind. Some may disagree, but it is the right thing to do. Knowing that you are doing this without a heavy heart and without harboring resentment is admirable. With marriage does come sacrifice, as you wrote in your email. For you, this is a great sacrifice to make. But you are allowed to feel sad that your wedding will be a little different from what you had imagined. Maybe consult a party planner or just decide amongst your families how to plan the celebration. Your parents said you can still have it all, I would even wear a wedding gown if I were in the position you are in. It’s still my wedding. The only thing missing will be the chupah part. Think of it as a big, huge first sheva brachos. And just think of how amazing you and your chasan will feel knowing that his grandfather got to attend the real part without all the glitziness of it. The wedding isn’t just about the dancing, color pattern, tablescapes, and band. It’s about having those whom you love there. From how you wrote your letter, I hope that is the case. If the grandfather isn’t cognizant of what is happening – well, I hope that’s not the case.
I will write again that if the grandfather is fully cognizant of what is happening and what his situation is, then this is a very special act to do.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
