Dear Goldy:
I’m not sure what to do. Was I dating him or not? I think I was.
There’s this one class in college where all the frum students sit near each other. It just happened that way. Not on purpose. One day, the guy who sits next to me, Avi, was talking about meeting his friends later that night. I asked him where they were meeting. We talked until class began. After class, he smiled and said goodbye. I didn’t have any plans that night and he had told me where and when he and his friends were meeting, I took that to mean that he wanted me to show up; why tell me details if he didn’t want me there?
When I showed up, he acted surprised, but after introducing me to his friends, we all ended up having a good time. When his friends left, he stayed for another hour talking to me and, before he left, he asked if he could drop me off at a subway station or if I had a car. I had a car, so that was it. He left.
A few days later, I spotted him outside one of the buildings on campus with one of the friends from that night. I stopped and talked with them. It was really nice. When I asked about any plans, we started walking to another building, but I had class there, so I said goodbye and he went on walking. He didn’t show up for class the following week, but he came this week. After class, as we were packing up, I asked why he didn’t call me. Avi played dumb and said he didn’t have my number. I told him I’d send it to him, but he wouldn’t give me his number and said that we were classmates, not friends, and it would make him uncomfortable giving me his number. Really? I reminded him of the night we hung out and our walk. Avi was very quick to tell me that we didn’t hang out. I just showed up where he and his friends happened to be. I told him he told me to come. Avi acted like a jerk and said he never told me to come, and he and his friends were just being nice and didn’t want to come right out and ask me to leave. I asked him why he stayed a long time after his friends left to talk with me and how good the conversation was.
I won’t tell you how Avi responded because it hurt. I don’t understand. It wasn’t just a one-time thing – it was twice. If he didn’t want to talk to me, he could’ve said it was a private party or conversation. Even though he said he didn’t want to hurt my feelings, he did.
What do you think? We hung out twice. The first time he even told me where to find him. Now he told me it meant nothing. I don’t get it. Why talk to me at all if he wasn’t interested? I’m not going to shatter like glass or cry if you ask me to leave you and your friends alone. I read his body language, and it wasn’t closed off. He didn’t give off the feelings of “leave me alone,” it was the opposite. It was a hangout that turned into a mini-date (Remember, he offered to drive me somewhere), plus he walked me to my class the other day.
I’m confused and hurt.
Anonymous
*****
Thank you for your email, Annie.
As you read my response, please do so by imagining that I am talking to you in a very soft voice and I’m not yelling or speaking with any anger in my voice.
I think that you misinterpreted the whole scenario. Was Avi talking about his plans with others in the class when you sat down and then you asked him where he was going? It sounds like classmates who are acquaintances (I had many in college) making small talk before class. He answered your question as I may have answered it, “I’m meeting my friends at _____ tonight.” He was answering a question that was asked. It wasn’t necessarily an invitation. Did he say, “Wanna come, too?” or “It’s a group thing, you can drop in”? If he didn’t say anything like that, then it was not an invitation to go out and meet him and his friends. I can understand if he and his friends seemed shocked when you showed up. It could have been a coincidence that you went to the same place, but once you approached the group and stayed, the intention was clear: You came to see Avi.
Why did Avi stay after everyone left to spend time with you? I don’t know. I can only guess that he didn’t want to cut and run with everyone else. You did show up to be with him, so he may have felt he had to spend some time with you. But offering to drive you to the subway or home or to wherever – that is just having good manners and not wanting you walking the streets alone. Which was nice of him.
It could be that Avi was sick or had an appointment or just couldn’t come to the class the following week, or it could be that he stayed away because he didn’t want to see you and further give you the wrong impression that you seemed to have. It must have been very awkward – for both of you. Good for you for taking the initiative to tell Avi what your number is. But I can only imagine how Avi felt seeing that his actions were grossly misinterpreted.
I’m so sorry that your feelings were hurt. I read that you said Avi acted like a jerk, but a jerk would have laughed and said rude things. From what I read, Avi was trying to tell you the truth. I hope he didn’t laugh or mock you in any way. I think he didn’t know how to handle this situation, and so he went for it head on. He said what he said to make his point very clear. You were not dating or friends with him. I don’t think he told you to come to where he would be if it was just him and his (male) friends. Nothing is wrong with speaking and walking someone to class, but he was speaking with his friend first. I don’t think he was waiting for you. Walking in the same direction could just mean that: You were heading to some place in the same direction, so you walked together until you reached your destination.
Annie, this was an honest mistake and miscommunication on everyone’s part. You thought he told you where to meet him. He thought he was answering a question. Avi didn’t know you were coming to meet him or that you were thrilled to have run into him on campus.
I think you can chalk this up to a learning experience. Next time, you will ask for clarity when making plans with someone. It’s understandable that you would be upset after the conversation when you called Avi a jerk, but you probably felt like you were being ambushed. “What? Not even wanting to be friends?” Going forward, and you should move forward, don’t let this stop you: Make sure all plans and communication are very clear so something such as this doesn’t happen again.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
