I want to begin this article by writing that I am not an expert in this (or many) fields. The purpose of this column is to help those who are dating with questions about what may have come up while on a date or to let them vent. I answer them as would a friend. I’m not a rebbetzin. I’m not a very learned person. I am someone who has gone through the wringer while dating and may be able to share some insights and use some examples of what I have experienced to help others in need of guidance, an opinion of a non-involved third party with their dating questions. It is important for me to write this now and for all of you to read.
I have received many emails on this subject. I haven’t published the questions or my responses because I don’t want people screaming at me, “You are wrong! That’s not how the Torah explains it” or “Who do you think you are, a rabbi/rebbetzin to answer such a question?” I know my limitations. But then I think back to why I began and continue this column: to help, and to respond as a friend would. I won’t take a meforash that may explain a similar situation. I won’t say that Rivkah had the same issue with Yitzchak. This column is strictly friend to friend; I may have many friends. So, whoever you are, and you know who you are, please don’t sit down on Motza’ei Shabbos and send me an angry email about my response on the topic. I’m saying it for you: I’m not an expert. But this topic has been asked about many times, especially from one person who sent it to me nine times! I decided to take one of the emails and respond to it the best I can. You could like my answer or not – to each his own.
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Dear Goldy:
I was accepted to medical school out of state. I hope to be married in a few months. I’m engaged. I won’t be able to come home often, especially in the first couple of years. I understand that, and I am committed to becoming a doctor and doing what’s necessary to achieve that. My chasan supports me and was able to have his agency transfer his position to the office they have near where the medical school is. There was no question for him. He said because his agency had an office in the same state, relatively near where the school is, it was a sign from Hashem to choose that school.
I’m excited and nervous about everything: the wedding, marriage, medical school, and believe it or not, how will I fulfill the mitzvah of kibud av va’eim when I’m away. I have two siblings who are both married and live not far from my parents. And my parents are not what you would consider elderly or frail. But you never know what may happen. In the blink of an eye something can go wrong, chas v’shalom. I wouldn’t be here to help. But what if things are fine and nothing happens to my parents? How can I keep the mitzvah of kibud av if I’m not around? I mentioned this to my mother the other day, and she told me not to be silly and by me leaving and getting married doesn’t mean I’m leaving the family and there will be plenty of opportunities to fulfill the mitzvah. I know, but I feel bad about it anyway. Plus, I’ll have my in-laws, so it won’t just be coming home to my parents when the time allows. My soon-to-be in-laws live in yet another state! I won’t even be available as much as time will allow me to be, because my chasan needs to fulfill the mitzvah also.
It is going to be so hard to balance being a new wife and kibud av va’eim – especially being in another state. I can’t be everything for everyone! It’s so much pressure. And I’m not even mentioning the first year of medical school.
Brachah (fake name)
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Thank you so much for your email, Brachah.
Your question has been a question that several people have written to me about. I haven’t published the question or my response for fear of backlash if someone has a differing opinion or tells me that I’m interpreting things all wrong. But I’ll take a chance here.
I remember sitting in seventh grade Hebrew class. My teacher was raised in California but now lived in Kew Gardens. She herself brought up this topic. She said, “How can I do anything besides call every day and visit once or twice a year? I’ll be missing out on an important mitzvah.” Yes, kibud av is important. Like I say, not only is it in the Top Ten, but it’s in the Top Five. I don’t remember what the teacher said after she asked the question, but as an adult, we are all faced in some way with that question.
Brachah, even if you weren’t moving out of state, you wouldn’t be living with your parents. I don’t even know if you live with them now, because it wasn’t included in your letter. But “it is said” the wife leaves her family and is now her husband’s family. (I don’t know where it says it but that is what I have been told dozens of times.) You will always be your parents’ daughter, but now you have a new role as a wife, so how you fulfill kibud av will change as well – even if you live next door to your parents. If you lived close-by, you could pick up groceries for them, shovel their walkway when it snows, help your mother clean out her refrigerator by letting her give you leftovers, etc. But will you be there if your mother or father needs to go down to the basement to bring up a folding table? No. Will you be there to bring your mother or father soup or tea when they are sick in bed? No – well, when you visit you would bring over what you think is needed and help them when you can, but your visit will only be for a couple of hours at most, and the cold or flu can last a week at least. What is a child to do?
You will be out of state for a few years, unable to physically be present; and when you have the time, you can’t only devote it to your parents, but you have in-laws as well who don’t live anywhere near your parents. You may feel torn in two, and then what about those times when you may have a day or two free and you and your husband may want to have a staycation or go away for one night to another town. You won’t be going to any parent then. You will be giving time to your family, you and your husband, which is also very important.
Your mother is correct; you aren’t leaving the family, just the state. There is still so much you can do: Call you parents every day, even for 30 seconds, to see how they are and let them know you’re okay as well. Call before Shabbos, send little packages on their birthdays. A lot of what you can do won’t be in person, but that’s fine. Just think: In a few years, how much medical advice you’ll be able to provide them with, without their insurance being billed. You’ll be saving them loads of money!
The short and long answer is: You do what you can when you can do it. If what you are doing for them or what they are asking of you is too much because of your schedule and you need to make time for your marriage, tell them. Discuss it. Your parents will understand. They wouldn’t want you helping them or fulfilling the mitzvah while putting extra stress or strain on you or your marriage. You don’t have to be physically present for kibud av. And with technology today, there are so many ways you can fulfill the mitzvah.
Yes, it will be hard to juggle it all: medical school, your role as a wife and as a daughter, but you can do it. Just know when to say, “I can’t. I’m sorry,” and I’m sure your husband will be doing the same with his parents. Your new family/ husband is your priority now. You are still a daughter, but you are now a wife. Yes, you will “leave your family,” but it’s physically.
I try to adhere to the same words I just wrote to you. I help and do as much as I can, but when I see it really is too much and it will interfere with my role as wife/mother, I tell my father, and he understands. I’ll provide an example. My father needed me to accompany him to the bank. When he called me, it wasn’t a good time. He told me, “It’ll only take a minute.” I was not able to leave my house then. It just wasn’t possible. He kept trying to convince me. But it wasn’t possible for me to go then. I was able to go the following day, but not the day and time he needed. My father understood, and we scheduled a time when we could go to the bank together. After that, we scheduled times when I was able to accompany him to a doctor’s appointments, the bank, shopping or anywhere else he asked. But had I dropped everything when he asked me to go to the bank, I’m sure that my shalom bayis would have been affected. And I know my father would not want that. He would not want to be the cause of any friction, argument, unhappiness, etc. in my home. We discussed it and the problem was solved.
Brachah, I wish you and your chasan mazal tov, and good luck in medical school.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
