I published this letter a few years ago. It broke my heart and I’m sure the hearts of readers, as well. I never forgot about this woman because of what had happened to her, the cruelty and premeditation of it. What happened to her happened one Pesach. I’m republishing it now (sort of on its anniversary.)
Why am I republishing it? Because it’s an easy way to make this week’s deadline? Because I like to relive people’s nightmares? No. It’s because I want people to remember that Hashem has a plan. We may not like the way it unfolds, but everything is for a reason. Why do people have to suffer so much? Is it to appreciate what they have when they have it, maybe. But I’m sure they would appreciate it without all the heartbreak they endured.
I’m sure some of you will remember Yaffa and her story. Believe me, I wasn’t able to forget it and was elated when she sent me an update last year, which I shared with all of you. Baruch Hashem, Yaffa is now a very happy wife and mother. Remember that, as you read of the disgustingness and cruel-hearted things that people (members of klal Yisrael) can do to one another. Yaffa thought her world was over. She was depressed and cried for weeks. But Hashem didn’t forget about her.
It’s hard, but keep in mind that He always has a plan, and we are in no position to dictate the way that everything unfolds. Let Yaffa’s experience give chizuk to those who need it.
*****
Dear Goldy:
I am single. I can’t believe I’m saying that. I had been dating David* (fake name) for five years. It was like we were married. We were even at the point of attending simchos of the other one’s family. It’s just that we weren’t married or “officially engaged,” but he had promised.
David went to Florida for Pesach this year and invited me for Chol HaMoed. I agreed and looked forward to it. As soon as I landed there, something felt off. David’s sister picked me up at the airport, not David. We’ve been friends since David and I began dating, but the car ride felt awkward. We didn’t have a nice flowing conversation. She basically kept quiet and answered my questions with quick answers. I figured it was because she was tired from the first days with her family. David said he had reserved a room for me for Chol HaMoed. I now found out that I’d be bunking with David’s great aunt without having my own room or privacy.
I didn’t let this get to me. I was in Florida, the weather was gorgeous, and I would be with David most of the time anyway. But where was he now? Playing golf. That’s why he couldn’t pick me up at the airport? Strange. I found his family and began enjoying the afternoon with David’s family, people I had known and loved for years.
When David and I finally met up, we spent the rest of the day together. I asked him about the rooming situation. He blew it off, saying there was a mix-up with reservations and it was lucky that his aunt had a room with an extra bed. Reasonable explanation, right? I would be spending my days with David and only sleeping in the room for a few nights. Now looking back, I cringe that I didn’t see it coming.
The next day after breakfast, we took a ride to a beautiful shopping center. And that’s where he broke up with me. He broke up with me in a shopping center on a trip he invited me on. Did he think I wouldn’t cry in public or be hurt and say how I was feeling? It was like a knife through the heart. I can’t tell you how devastated I was and still am. I’ll spare you the details, but he said the relationship had run its course, and he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore and wanted to move on with his life. At first, I thought it was a joke, but I saw how serious he was and realized this was happening. I was numb and lightheaded at first. But soon, when my emotions woke up, I began crying and blubbering questions. I remember asking, “Please” and “Why?” a lot. All he kept saying was the relationship ran its course. I really don’t remember the ride back to the hotel. One minute we were in the car and the next we were pulling up to the valet. The final blow: David turned to me and said that his family already knew we were breaking up and if I wanted, I could stay in the hotel for the next couple of days, but to keep my distance from him and his family. Then he got out of the car. That was it. Bye!
I wanted to crumble. He let me fly down to Florida only to break up with me? And his family knew the whole time? I can’t even begin to tell you how I was feeling or even how I had the strength to walk to my room. The next hours were spent in the bathroom throwing up, crying, calling my parents, trying to arrange a flight back to New York right away. I was a mess. It was surreal. I texted and called David – no pickup or response. I needed my say. If he broke up with me, fine, but now that I had time to process everything, I had things to say to him. By the time I was able to start packing, David’s sister, my (former) friend, came to the room. She didn’t say anything. We hugged while I cried. She helped me pack. She said that her parents are devastated, and they love me so much. They couldn’t get David to see that he was making a mistake. She said other things, but it was a blur. She said her parents had arranged a flight for me and it would be leaving in a few hours, and she would drive me to the airport.
I realize now everything was a lie. David planned this all out. He told his family, so when I was spending time with them the day before, they knew the countdown was on. I asked one question: “Did David purposefully not reserve a room for me?” His sister said he did reserve one for me because at the time he wasn’t planning on breaking up, but he canceled it when he decided, and then asked their aunt if she’d mind a roommate for one night. “One night?” So, David saying that I could stay at the hotel was a lie. His parents had bought me a ticket!
I finished packing, ordered an Uber, and left as fast as I was able to. I needed to separate myself from this. I was so hurt and embarrassed. I was sick. I spent the flight asking myself questions and silently crying. My mother met me at the airport; we hugged and cried. I was a wreck for the rest of Pesach. Phone calls weren’t being returned or texts. To end a relationship of five years with not so much as a warning but an ambush was too much for me to take. I am going to have trust issues from now on. I just know it.
Weeks have passed and I’m just now able to get on with my life. But I want to ask you: What could make a person do this? He couldn’t wait until after Pesach? He couldn’t do it before Pesach? Did his family pity me while I was sitting there with them clueless about what was going to happen? How could one person (one I loved and thought I knew well) do this to another and in such a heartlessly calculated way?
*****
I’ve had time to reflect since the breakup and I’m brought back to what I learned in yeshivah: V’ahavta l’rei’acha kamocha. I don’t literally mean that David must love me like himself, but he could have chosen another way to break up. It was five years! So many memories, good times, etc. I feel like he threw me out. It was like he never loved me. I can’t believe I could have loved a person capable of doing this. People need to know, dating is real. People and their emotions are real. The way you treat someone can affect them for months or years to come. If he wanted to break up with me, he could have done it like a mentch. For weeks, I walked around like a zombie. Now I’m starting to live again, with the help of my therapist. I can’t even think about dating. I don’t even know how to “date,” and now how can I trust again?
Yaffa
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
