Below are letters from people around the same age living the single life. But both have a very different outlook. Which letter can you and would you want to relate to?
Letter #1
Dear Goldy:
I am not one to preach, and I don’t get paid to smile and always look for the silver lining. It is something that I have worked on. It’s very easy to be depressed if life “didn’t turn out the way I expected it to.” I worked on myself and think that the way you approach a situation will help you with how you feel about the situation. Sort of like a glass is half full kind of thinking and making a lemon drop out of lemons.
I’m in my early 40s and have been dating for over two decades. But I’m not complaining. I’m not complaining because of all the hard work I’ve done so that I don’t have the ugly, nasty feelings that others think I should have. It’s a sick depressing feeling to have. Each date brings me closer to my bashert, and I can try to learn something and take something away from each date. My friends think I’m putting on a happy face for them and crying on the inside, but I’m not. I can’t tell you how many people give me the “poor you” look when they hear that I’m still single and then they give me a brachah to meet my bashert soon. But I’m okay. Like you, Goldy, I believe everything is for a reason. What’s the reason I’m not married now? Why have I had to go through and still go through many Mr. Right Nows and not my Mr. Forever? I don’t know. But there must be a reason.
I got very angry at a friend last week when she commented, in passing, like it was nothing and just a side note that I’ve gone out for 20 years and have nothing to show for it. I didn’t know what to say. True, I don’t have a husband, or children, and I’ve been trying to find my bashert for longer than people last at careers, but I wouldn’t say I have nothing to show for it. It was her words, “nothing to show for it,” that upset me. I can point out more than a few couples married a few years or a few decades with plenty to show for it; houses, children, vacations, etc., but I also know some of them are living beyond their means and are in debt or unfortunately someone I know is having marital difficulties and isn’t as happy as she portrays. But I am happy. I am happy with my job, I earn a very good salary, I have a good group of friends who are my support circle with my family, I don’t spend nights waiting for the phone to ring. I go out on dates or with friends or even by myself; going to a movie by myself doesn’t bother me. Yes, sometimes it’s frustrating when I want to go somewhere with someone, whether it be a short vacation or out to dinner, and I find that everyone I call can’t make it because they have their own life and plans; but that can happen if I’m married, too.
I would gladly give up my single status in a nanosecond to become a kallah. I want to find my bashert. I don’t want to “settle,” as some have suggested. I should settle and not be in love and truly happy, just so I can have the life they think I want? I want that life, too, but I want it with the right person. I’ve been following you for a long time and I remember you writing about the song “Broken Road.” I will gladly keep pushing through and take wrong turns if it leads me to my bashert.
I’m telling all of you who are trying to make me think I’m crazy for not crying and not being jealous of married friends to stop dragging me down. I know someone my age in the frum community should be married with kids, but I’m not. I’m choosing to look at the positive, and it was hard to do that in the beginning. It was hard in my early and mid-20s to see friend after friend get engaged and married and it did not happen to me. So, I worked on myself and I repeated daily affirmations and worked on my bitachon and I truly am happy because I know that my bashert will come when the time is right. So, please stop telling me how depressed I should be or how shocked you are that I have a positive outlook. It took a long time to get here and it’s a happy place. I’d rather be in a happy place than crying and jealous of others.
Chaya Sara
*****
Thank you for your email, CS.
I can only imagine how hard you had to work when you see friend after friend becoming a kallah and you trying not to feel left behind. I had to work on myself as well. But it’s wonderful that you have your positive outlook. It’s the only way to get through life no matter what the situation is. And you know what? I think people just expect someone to be upset that she is still single and not “happy” just like she is, or she pretends to be. Or they could be jealous that you have all that free time and aren’t tethered to the schedule of pick-ups, drop-offs, play dates, practices, etc. Who knows why people try to drag others down. Is it because misery loves company or because people have nothing to say so they say whatever pops into their head, even if it’s upsetting. The saying is “Silence is golden” for a reason. Some of those people should stay golden. Keep up what you’re doing, maybe even give some lessons. Go live life as Hashem has given it to you, and when he sends you your chasan, continue to live your life with your life partner.
*****
Letter #2
Dear Goldy:
I promised myself last Pesach that by this Pesach, I’d be married. I didn’t think about having kids. I just thought about Step 1: I’d date someone, fall in love and start a life with him. But how can I make a promise when I’m not in control of dating? Dating involves a whole other person with his own feelings, which I can’t control. So, yes, I made my “dream board,” and put pictures of wedding gowns, bouquets, men in tuxes, etc. I pumped myself up before each date. “This could be it. This could be my last first date.” But it wasn’t and they weren’t.
My friends are making weddings for their kids! Some are still in the bar/bas mitzvah stage, but the fact is that I’m living life exactly how I did since I was in high school, but with a larger bank account. I’m still living with my parents (it’s by choice now, so I can save up for when the right guy comes along), still sleeping in my bedroom for the past 40-something years. Instead of going to school, I go to work. Other than that, it seems my life has stalled while others have gone on to the next stage or two.
I can’t stand the looks from people when they hear that I’m still single. No, I don’t think my bashert is waiting for me at a singles event because I have been to plenty; he’s not there. It’s just the same guys showing up over and over. I psych myself up for dates, events, even attending simchos, because “maybe someone will see me.” But it all ends up the same: I, sleeping in my childhood bedroom. Sure, I smile and say that I’m okay when all I want to do is scream, “Why am I not married yet? What did I do that was so bad to be alone for this long?” But I can’t. It’s not done. Even if it’s normal to think, if I did it, I’ll be labeled “crazy” and then I’ll never get another normal date again.
Do you know how hard it is when you can’t find someone to go on a quick weekend trip to Miami with or a week-long vacation to somewhere tropical and new? My friends won’t or can’t leave their families. They say if they’re going on vacation, it’s with their husbands without children.
I guess this is a venting letter. I’m not in control, so how could I have promised myself that things would change in a year when I am just a player in a game where someone else is in charge and makes the rules?
Anonymous
*****
Thank you for your email, Annie.
I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I know what you mean when you said you pinned things on your dream board. People believe if you imagine it and see it, it’ll become reality. The reality is life doesn’t work exactly that way. Just because you build it, doesn’t mean he will come. Life is unfair. You may not want to hear that, but it is.
Yes, dating is one of the first times in life we are not the ones in charge making the decision (of course Hashem is in charge of all of it). You can choose what school you want to attend, what clothes to wear, what career path you want; but now, just because you like someone, doesn’t mean he will like you back. And the worst thing is that you can’t do anything about it. I think you mean that you’re a pawn and not a player. Player to me means “playa,” if you know what I mean. You feel like Hashem may be toying with you. He is in charge, and you have no choice but to go along with His plan.
Go ahead and cry or scream into a pillow or out the window. Do what you need to do to feel better. I can’t say that having a positive outlook will help, but it does make things easier to accept. And, yes, if you do agree with someone that “yup, still single, still waiting,” people may think you’re odd. But then they are the ones who brought up your singlehood, not you.
I don’t know how old you are or any specifics, but maybe it would help to move out of your parents’ house. You could live on your own or with a roommate and feel like you have moved onto another stage in life. Have you saved up enough money? Don’t you think you’d feel slightly better not living as you did in high school? Again, I don’t know your circumstances, but it may be worth thinking about.
All I can say is hang in there. We don’t know the plan and, yes, we may feel like game pieces, and we don’t know what the next move is; but in the end (the very end) it’s supposed to make sense. We can’t understand it down here, but maybe when our neshamos are up in shamayim, it will all be made clear that the path you were on was the right one for you.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
