Dear Goldy:
I’m writing to you because my mother insisted that I do so. I suggested that she could send you the email about the guy I recently went out with, but she felt it would be better coming from me. So here goes… It’s not anything crazy or wild, though.
My aunt was chatting with her neighbor when the neighbor mentioned a friend her son had just met at work. The son, an accountant, sparked a conversation that led my aunt to think of me. She called my mom, and the rest unfolded as usual.
From the very start, something felt off with this guy. Our phone call lasted five minutes – four and a half minutes too long. It was as if he didn’t know how to make small talk. The call was supposed to be a simple “Hi, how are you?” exchange, followed by plans for a date. He asked about my day, but when I asked about his, he was evasive, never giving a straight answer. Great, I thought; I’ll keep it to a quick Starbucks date. And that’s what I did.
We met at a Starbucks in Midtown, relatively close to where we both work. It was the end of the day, so I couldn’t use the excuse of rushing back to the office, but I could always say I needed to catch my train if things went south.
The first few minutes went fine. We stood in line, chatting about coffee versus tea, ordered our drinks, and then chose a table in the back to sit and talk. I hoped he might be better in person than on the phone; maybe face-to-face conversation was his strength. Unfortunately, the conversation started very slowly. What I managed to learn was that, yes, he is an accountant, but he also has a side hustle he refused to discuss. He alluded to it repeatedly, which grew frustrating. Finally, I told him to either share what it was or stop bringing it up. He revealed he was working on a patent for something that could “change the way business works.” That’s a bit vague, don’t you think? He claimed he’d tell me but was paranoid about someone stealing his idea. So, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to tell me; it was that he couldn’t, for fear I might steal it.
I tried to shift the conversation to lighter topics – his hobbies, friends, or even what he finds scariest in the world – but he kept his answers frustratingly general. He liked “a little of this and that,” refusing to commit to specifics like a favorite type of music, game, vacation spot, chag, or even weather preference. He didn’t want to “box himself in.” If someone paid him $20 every time he answered with “I guess, sure,” “I’m open to anything,” or “I’ll try anything once,” he’d be a millionaire. I understand that some people avoid sharing opinions on divisive topics like politics to prevent arguments, but he was like this with everything.
So, I stopped trying. Why bother asking questions to get to know him better if he wasn’t giving me anything to work with? Did he even understand the point of a date? Did he have conversations with actual people? Maybe that’s why he’s an accountant: He’s better with numbers than with words. I sat there sipping my decaf, looking around the store at the different people sitting, coming and going – doing anything but asking him another question. Yes, the silence was awkward, but I’d put in my time. I deserved an A for effort. I was done.
Finally, he must have gotten the hint, because he awkwardly started asking me questions. But by then, I was checked out. I couldn’t pretend to be interested in what he was finally getting around to asking. So, I decided to give as good as I got: vague answers.
“What do I like to do? A little bit of this and that. I’m an outdoorsy person but also love doing crafts inside.”
“Am I creative? I think so, but others may not agree.”
“What do I find the scariest? Everything! You can choke on a cookie, drown in a pool, get bitten by a dog… Everything can be scary.”
Call me childish or whatever you want, but I stopped contributing to the date. I’ve been on too many dates with too many guys and had boring or bad conversations, yet I always gave my all. But this time, I didn’t care.
After ten minutes of this, followed by more silence, he offered to walk me to the subway. Once we got there, he thanked me for my time and walked off. At least he walked me to the subway – that’s more than some guys do.
I’m not burnt out; that’s not why I shut down during the date. I was with a grown man who chose to go on a date. Did he not think we’d talk? Does he not know how to act on a date? I was told he had a good personality and all that. I guess if I were a debit or credit, I’d get to see him smile. I have no issue if he’s shy, but this wasn’t shyness. It was social awkwardness – an issue with dealing with people. I should have been warned.
Like I said, nothing crazy happened, but my mother wanted me to write in.
Blima
*****
Thank you, Blima, and your mother for the email.
Did you ask your mother why she wanted you to send this email? Perhaps she hoped you’d learn a life lesson from the experience. I can’t say for sure, but it’s worth considering. You didn’t ask a question or seek advice, and I don’t think you were simply venting. Yes, it was a frustrating date, but it didn’t last long, and he did walk you to the subway, which I’m told many guys don’t do.
Let me share a few comments and observations.
Yes, you shouldn’t have been told he has a good personality. If someone described a person to me that way, I’d expect at least a decent conversation – not the bare minimum that you experienced. I’ll call him “Avi.” You had two interactions with Avi: a phone call and a face-to-face meeting. You thought he might be better in person than on the phone, as some people connect more easily in person. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. You might want to pass along through your aunt that Avi is more on the quiet, awkward side. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s like advertising champagne when it’s really ginger ale – it looks similar but isn’t what you expected or wanted. He should be matched with young women who share a similar disposition.
Not giving specific answers to general questions? I’m not sure what to make of that. You’re right: It’s hard to get to know someone that way. You weren’t touching on taboo topics. I agree that politics can be a danger zone, but asking what “scares” him? I love that question; it’s a great conversation starter. How can someone not have a single thing they fear? Even Superman feared kryptonite, if only because it could kill him.
The only issue I have with your narrative is when you wrote, “And I decided to give what I got.” I understand why you shut down: If he wasn’t contributing or trying, why should you? But as the title of this article states, it’s tit for tat. That doesn’t make it wrong, but it doesn’t make it entirely right either. We’ve all had awkward dates, and as adults, we’re expected to handle them with maturity. If you were simply tired of trying to get Avi to open up, that’s fine. But shutting down because he couldn’t or wouldn’t give you what you wanted or expected isn’t entirely fair either. There have been times when I stayed quieter than usual on a date – not because my date wasn’t responsive or animated, but because I knew they were shy or having an awkward moment. I never mirrored their behavior to give back what I was getting; I understood that the situation was making them uncomfortable, for whatever reason.
I’m not saying you did anything wrong, but these are my observations based on what you shared about your date.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
