I have said from the very beginning that real married life is nothing like dating life. You don’t go out to expensive dinners or cute cafes once or twice a week. There are no long walks in the park or maybe a carriage ride in Central Park, no going miniature golfing, no going to axe-throwing locations (it’s a thing now). Now you have work, errands, and responsibilities.
Not that the romance is over, but now real life starts – and you have to fit the romance into real life, which can be hard.
I once wrote that there should be a warehouse divided into small apartments: kitchen, bathroom, and living room. Maybe even rent a baby or toddler (lol! It could be the new type of babysitting: Let someone else pretend to be your child’s parent) – and it could be rented out for three to six hours at a time. The “apartments” would emulate real life: wife cooking supper, kids needing to be fed, dishes cleaned – because that is real life.
And don’t get me started on how you time it perfectly to leave work so you can meet the school bus, but suddenly there’s construction on the way home and you’re crawling in traffic, watching the clock tick away. You try to call your neighbors – anyone who can meet the bus that will be at your corner in 12 minutes – but no one is picking up the phone! You switch lanes, get off the highway, take the back streets, like everyone else’s Waze is telling them to do, so it’s not really a shortcut. You start stress sweating, running yellow/red lights, and pull up to quickly park on your block just as the girls are disembarking from the bus.
You made it! Whew! But as you walk up the block to meet your daughter, you see the look on her face and know: “The fun and real work is about to begin.”
Can you tell that this has happened to me a few times? Lol!!!
*****
Dear Goldy:
I’ve been dating Moshe and everything was going so well. We were having amazing dates and doing/trying new things. Our personalities mesh so well. I looked forward to his calls, texts, and our dates.
Then he went to Israel for Pesach and stayed for some time afterward. We began FaceTiming, and that’s when things started to change for me. Moshe is interesting, but how long can we talk about our days or what’s going on in our lives when nothing is really happening? It’s just the regular: Wake up, go to work, go home, supper, maybe spend time with friends, go to sleep, and then repeat and repeat.
We “saw” each other two or three times a week. Our calls went from an hour down to 15 minutes.
You’d think the excitement would be back, now that he’s home – but not really. We still go out, but we (or maybe I) am not as excited as I was before he left. I know I’m not supposed to be shallow, but I find that Moshe was more interesting and fun in the beginning of our dating. Will the excitement return? Will I get those feelings again? Or maybe this is a sign that Moshe isn’t for me?
Dina
*****
Thank you for your email, Dina.
I have a few questions myself, Dina: Do you think life will always be exciting? Doesn’t your life now have boring moments in it? Are your friends spunky and bubbly all the time, or do they have moments when they get serious or aren’t in the mood to even talk?
Guess what? This is called life.
Dina, do your parents go out to the movies or out to dinner or bowling two or three times a week? My guess is no – because life and responsibilities take precedence over going out. I’m not saying they never go out, but they likely settled into a routine, as all couples do. That’s what makes date night – once a month or every two weeks – that much more special: You are carving out time to reconnect.
I’m glad you had the time of your life in the beginning of your relationship with Moshe. But given time – even weeks or months – everyone can change. Was there any spark when you first saw Moshe after he came home?
In my opinion (and my opinion only), the way you’re looking at this is immature. You’re finding Moshe boring or not as exciting? You’ve gotten used to each other and you’re not feeling those flutters anymore?
Is Moshe still taking you out on “fancy dates to exciting venues”? What you’re seeing now is the real Moshe – the Moshe who will probably be around most of the time if you marry him.
Having regular 15-minute conversations isn’t a bad thing – especially if there’s nothing new to discuss because it’s just the same old routine. There won’t always be exciting stories to share or experiences to have. Are you expecting every moment of life to be filled with laughter and conversation? Sometimes the quiet is needed just as much as the laughter.
You have a chance to see the real Moshe. Is he a good, caring person? Is he constantly complaining about things? Does he still say nice things to you? Does he still make you feel good when he does? These are the questions you should be asking.
I’m also wondering why you’re waiting for Moshe to bring the excitement. Why can’t you plan something fun? Bring a game, think of a scavenger hunt. Go on Google and search, “fun things to do on a date,” or something similar. It’s not only the fellow’s responsibility to “bring it.”
I hope you’re not complaining to Moshe about the lack of fun or excitement, because that would be very telling of what type of person you are, and he may not like that side of you. Show him you can be spontaneous and fun as well.
To tell you the truth, you sound like one of my nieces: always looking for the fun, and anything not labeled “fun” is “so boring and takes forever!”
Dina, this is just regular life, plain and simple.
But if you are feeling negative things about Moshe and genuinely don’t want to be with him or talk to him, that’s a different story – and that will have to be addressed.
But falling into routine and normalcy isn’t a bad thing. One of the great things about dating my husband was that it felt very normal. Yes, I was excited, but after the “new” phase, it felt normal.
Think about this: You could be causing your own problem if you’re just looking for adventure.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
