Dear Goldy,
My profile is on a few dating websites. I was contacted by a guy from one of them. We began chatting online, and when we realized things were still moving in the right direction, we started calling each other and hearing each other’s voices. So far, so good, right?
We made plans to meet one day, but he never called to confirm. We didn’t end up meeting, which kind of disappointed me. Later that night, he called and was very apologetic. He said a family emergency came up, he couldn’t make the date, and he forgot to call. Fine. I can understand that. I’m not heartless. We continued talking past that.
Two nights ago, we were supposed to go out again. We had definite plans. He said he’d let me know when he got home from work where to meet and when. Guess what? The text never came. I waited all night. All dressed up and no place to go. At 10 p.m., I texted, “This is the second time in a row. I don’t know if I’m going to give you a chance for a third strike.” I was angry and disappointed, but I didn’t want to yell at him over a text, so I thought I made it kind of lightish and funny. Plus, it wasn’t like we were dating. We hadn’t begun to do that yet, so I didn’t want to sound harsh to him, although I was hurt. I haven’t received a text or a call back. I’m hurt because I was looking forward to meeting someone and hoping it would lead to a relationship. It’s not like I told him my darkest secrets and now feel vulnerable and used. But I do feel used in another way.
Was talking to me just a way to kill time? Was he interested in me? Was it a game? After not contacting me for two days, it’s done. I have no hope for another communication of any type with him. And if he does contact me, I’ll just tell him I don’t play games, and he isn’t for me.
But what happened? He just ghosted me. I guess it’s better than being catfished and finding out it’s my neighbor or someone I work with. But I was getting excited about where this could possibly lead.
— Rochelle
Thank you for your email, Rochelle.
Back when I dated, it wasn’t called ghosting. But now it has a name? It just proves how often it happens. And it is so wrong! Morning radio shows have segments where they call someone who ghosted another, and the person is clueless as to why the other just checked out of their life.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. The first time, maybe the excuse was a real one, but after the second time and now not hearing from him… no, no. You don’t have to tell me why you were hurt. You had plans, he was a no-show both times, and he hasn’t even shown the courtesy to contact you. Be as hurt as you want to be.
It sounds like this fellow, whom I will refer to as Bobby, ghosted you. I don’t know what the point of all the emails, texts, and phone calls was about if he wasn’t interested, unless this was all a catfish game to him. (Catfishing is when someone sets up a fake online identity and uses it to trick or control others.) Some people talk or chat with their catfish for years before they find out that everything said and done was a lie, or a trick played on them by someone who has nothing better to do with themselves—often a former enemy who wants revenge.
Rochelle, consider yourself very lucky that you figured things out this early. From what you wrote, I don’t think that you and Bobby were communicating for months on end prior to all this. To have him apologize and set up a second date was an effort to reel you back in. It doesn’t matter whether he provided details of his family emergency to you. Unfortunately, I’ve had my share of emergencies, and I have always found time to text someone who was relying on, counting on, or waiting for me in any capacity, even if the text was, “So sorry. Family emergency. TTYL.” Even in times of crisis, one can take a moment to think of others. Of course, everyone’s mind works and prioritizes things differently.
On the bright side, at least you heard from him later that day. The second no-show—or rather, no contact—I find suspicious. You wrote that you had definite plans. I’m not sure what you mean by that because you didn’t have a set time or destination. I’m guessing that he had said, “I’m gonna meet you on this night. It won’t be like last time. I’ll text you details when I get out of work.” To me, those are just plans. For them to be “definite plans” would entail arranging to meet at a specific time and place (but that’s just me and my nutty ways).
Am I calling Bobby a liar or a catfish? No, because I don’t know many facts. Your letter didn’t provide many details (which is fine). I’m just writing that, judging from what you wrote, Bobby seems to be calling the shots here. You’re responding when he contacts you. You’re ready to meet him and are waiting for the specifics. Since you haven’t heard from him in two days since your text, that finalizes it for me, and for you.
Actions speak louder than words. Here, he didn’t even use any words. I liked the text you sent him. You let him know how you felt, and you weren’t going to give him another chance to disappoint you. But he never responded! A real man would have texted or called within the day.
Rochelle, I have sadly watched more than my fair share of reality TV, and I have spent years studying sociology, but I still can’t tell you why people do what they do. It’s like trying to explain to a five-year-old why another child hit them. We know that the child had their reasons for hitting, but we don’t know what they were, so we try and reason it out with the victim: “He didn’t know how to use his words,” or “She wanted the toy you have and didn’t know how to ask for it,” or something similar. But then when you ask the perpetrator, “Why did you hit the other child?” their answer could be as simple as “I just wanted to.” No deep, hidden meaning. It was a bad thing to do, and it was done.
Consider yourself lucky, Rochelle. Some people carry on a relationship with another person without ever meeting them for years, and then when the truth comes out, the fallout is horrible. They gave years of their life to this fake person. They confided secrets, shared hopes and dreams, and maybe even admitted to a guilty pleasure or something else.
You said you don’t feel “vulnerable and used” because you didn’t share any of your deep, dark secrets with Bobby, but in a way, he took something from you other than time. You wrote you had hoped this would turn into a relationship. He took that hope away. He may also have taken away your carefree, nonchalant spirit. You may be more cautious now about contacting people on dating sites, or about what you disclose. Or maybe I’m just reading too much into things now.
You asked me what happened. My only answer is that someone wasn’t as nice as they should have been. I hope that Bobby is real, and I hope he has a great excuse for why the two dates never took place and why he never contacted you, but he probably doesn’t. It is what it is. Move on. Don’t give him another thought. People do mean things because they want to; it may make them feel powerful. Dating is hard enough out there without all this making it tougher.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
