Dear Goldy,
My son has been dating a young lady and has told me and my husband that if things continue to go well, he wants to ask her to marry him. What mother doesn’t want to hear that? I was thrilled! My son is almost 30 and very independent. He has always handled his dating life on his own. If a shadchan contacted me for him, I’d tell my son to call the shadchan back to see if he was interested in whatever young woman she would suggest to him.
I didn’t want to be a nudge or a momager to my children while they date because that may make them not want to share as much, or so I was told. I’m more involved with my daughters, but with my sons, I keep my distance but am always ready to talk if they want to. This son, Moishe, lives on his own, so it’s not like I know every time he goes out on a date. He doesn’t need to borrow the car or credit card.
When my husband and I heard the news that Moishe was dating someone seriously, inside I squealed. But outside, I was calm. I asked a couple of questions. One was about the profession she had. I consider myself modern and “in it,” and I know things about the world. But when my son answered that the woman is a lifestyle influencer, I didn’t really know what to think or say. I have an Instagram account. I know what influencers are. But I also know that unless someone has more than 50,000 followers or something like that and also has brands that she represents, she doesn’t make much money. Yes, some influencers make enough money to live off of, but it’s not a steady type of job. You can be “in” one month and “out” the next month. It’s not like an office job that actually has a paycheck you can rely on.
After Moishe left, I went to look the woman up. She has a little over 40,000 followers. She has posted about furniture, clothing, yummy comfort foods... She is a lifestyle influencer. She doesn’t stick to fashion or food or having a positive outlook. She seems to be all over the place. She’s 25; how much life experience does she have to actually influence people? Does she have the “it” factor to make it for the long haul? I have so many questions, but it all comes down to: What exactly can she contribute to the marriage? Will she rely on my son and us to support them? How much do brand tie-ins pay? Does she get her meals paid for when she eats out if she speaks about a restaurant she went to?
My son has a head on his shoulders and a good job/career. I just don’t want to see him marry someone who doesn’t seem like his equal, or frankly, seems like a flake. I don’t mind if she is an influencer, but if that was her “side hustle,” it would be different. This is her only hustle. What does she have to fall back on when no one wants to be influenced by her anymore?
Don’t get me wrong, she’s pretty, speaks well... but what type of job and job safety is there with being an influencer? Life today is expensive. Can she survive by just being an influencer?
Judy
Thank you for your email, Judy.
What can I say? It’s a new world. A few years ago, most of us would say, “What’s an influencer?” Today it’s more like, “Oh, you’re an influencer? How many followers do you have?”
I can understand that you and your husband want the best for your son, as do all parents. You’re thinking that a job as an accountant, teacher, speech therapist, lawyer... has job security, a steady paycheck... and nothing is wrong with that. But as I said in the beginning, times are changing. I can’t remember if I was watching local news or a cable news channel, but earlier in the week I heard that a majority of adults regretted what they had “majored in” while in college. Maybe they’re bored with their job, or maybe they’re doing something totally unrelated to what they spent four years studying, or maybe they are having a midlife crisis. I don’t know. But studying law or education and going into those fields may not be as satisfying to the individuals as they once were.
I don’t know if you’re the same generation as my father, Judy. But his generation went to work when they were young, not because they necessarily wanted to, but because it was needed. My father has said more than once that he would’ve liked to have gone to law school, but he had to get to work, and the Board of Ed, back then, was helping you pay for your degree while you were working. That’s what my father and his family needed. It just so happened that he stayed in the education field, working his way up for close to 30 years. But that’s not how today’s youth think.
“Why can’t I get paid to do something I like and want to do?” many argue. And why not? It may not be the traditional job we think of, but you can make a pretty decent living as an influencer if you have enough followers and business tie-ins and do enough promotional and collaborative partnerships. Will it last forever? No. But even after 30 years, my father retired. Will your daughter-in-law receive a pension from Instagram? No. But maybe she won’t need one.
That was all a beating-around-the-bush type of response, but let me get straight to the target. When you watched the woman your son is dating at her job, doing what she loves, how did you feel about her? Did you think she was confident with how she was talking and trying to get her followers to be interested in whatever she was talking about? Was she convincing? How did she speak? Were her vocabulary and grammar used correctly? Did she appear to be a good person? Remember, your son is dating her. Yes, her job is part of this new changing world, but if she’s good at it, and you don’t have “a little over 40,000 followers” by not being good at what you do, then maybe all is well. Maybe she can grow into a brand and be very successful. Look at some Jewish influencers whose names roll off our tongues and whom everyone knows of. They make a very good living and they hustle. Being an influencer isn’t taking the easy way out of the job hunt. You have to constantly post and have new and interesting things to show your followers, or else you lose followers.
Judy, as you said, Moishe has a good job/career, which to me means he has a head on his shoulders. He knows how his girlfriend spends her days. He’s okay with it. Why don’t you first get to know the woman instead of judging her based on her career choice or what you think about her career choice? I understand your worries. But maybe this woman is good at what she does. Maybe she does bring in a nice salary. It may be dependent upon followers and commissions, but then again, a salesperson lives the same way. Think of her as a car salesman or as someone working in an expensive boutique, if that helps. What if this young woman had a 9-to-5 office job, but then, after she has a baby, decides not to go back to the office? Then your son would be the only one earning a steady paycheck. Does that help you see the situation a little better?
Yes, an “influencer” is a non-conventional job, but it is a job. It’s something she enjoys doing. Isn’t it better to work at something you enjoy than to drag yourself into the office every day to earn a paycheck? If you love what you do, then it’s not really called “work.” I think that’s how the saying goes.
Judy, get all preconceived notions of influencers out of your head and think of this woman as someone your son thinks is his zivug and is smart, has sechel, and will love him. Don’t think about the job. Jobs can change. People and their characters are harder to change.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
