I have written countless times about singles trying to track down shadchanim—shadchanim who beg the singles to “track me down. I’m so busy, but keep trying to call or text me. That’s the only way you’ll get through.” I had to deal with such shadchanim, and yes, I am of the opinion that if you want to help, then help. If you can’t or don’t have time, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Let the single know when a better time would be. Once a shadchan meets the single, the single starts hoping the shadchan will find a match for him/her among all the other singles’ resumes they have.
A shadchan is more than just someone trying to help others find their zivugs. It’s someone saying, “I will do my best and try hard to find you your zivug.” And doing anything takes time. If you don’t have the time, why make the commitment? I’m the type who, if I say, “I’ll call you back on Monday,” by 11:59:59 on Monday evening, come hell or high water, I will call that person back. To me, that promise to call was a commitment, and I don’t take it lightly. You’ll never find me saying, “We have to go to lunch and get together. I’ll call you.” I’m usually the one to say, “Okay,” when someone says that to me and then forgets about it a minute later, knowing the person will never call. Case in point: During my sheva brachos, someone told me she was having the best time getting to know me and promised to call me “soon” because we “have to get together again. We need a night out, just us.” Well, I’ve been married for 12 years, and I have yet to even hear from this woman—even a “Have a gut g’bentched year” call, much less an invitation to get together. But the few times I’ve seen her in the last decade, she always makes a point of saying, “We really should go out one night.” Again, all I say is, “Okay.”
I know the feeling of going to a shadchan, laying out your life story, telling him/her what you’re looking for, and then waiting a week or two before beginning to track down that shadchan. Calls, texts, emails... Nothing. And then I got to the point of saying, “It shouldn’t be this hard. She said to call, that she had someone, and she was going to call him. It’s been two weeks, and she hasn’t returned my calls, texts...” Again, if you don’t have the time to deal with singles, meaning calling singles, checking your files, calling back singles, or even, hey, initiating the call yourself, then don’t. No harm, no foul, no embarrassment, and more importantly, no frustrated singles.
But I consider myself to be a fair person. I try to look at both sides of the coin. And believe it or not, there are singles who visit shadchanim, lay out their life stories, their hopes and dreams, wanting the shadchanim to find them their basherts, and then they’re the ones who go MIA. I’m as shocked as you are. So yes, many shadchanim have what to answer for—but now we see that singles do as well. Below, I will publish excerpts from three shadchanim who have emailed me in the past, asking why the ones who come to them for help don’t pick up the phone when they call them with a possible date. I figure three is a fair number; it isn’t just one shadchan having an issue. With three shadchanim, we can say it’s a bigger problem than originally thought.
Excerpt from first letter:
Dear Goldy,
I’m a shadchan. I say that right away because while I agree with most of your opinions, I don’t like it or think it’s right to only blame shadchanim for not calling back the singles who came to them or for being very hard to reach... I’m sure a few are. I’m not one of them.
I’m a shadchan for those 35 and older. I got married in my mid-thirties, so I wanted to help those like me. There are so many shadchanim helping the 20- and 25-year-olds, but I wanted to help those in their 40s and 50s. I take my responsibility as a shadchan seriously. I think I ask important questions that are necessary to know when looking for someone’s bashert. I don’t care about anything that has to do with their lives before they graduated from college. I’m not dealing with kids here. They’re adults.
So why is it that these mature adults don’t pick up the phone when I call them with a potential shidduch, or pick up the phone, hear about the shidduch, and then don’t get back to me about whether they want to go out on a date with the person I told them about? I tell the singles I help to expect a call from me within a week. Unless something goes awry with work or my family, I keep that promise. But some singles don’t pick up the phone. I find myself leaving voicemails and sending texts to them with zero response. It isn’t unheard of for me to wait two weeks or more for a single to call me back the first time or to call back with their decision—and sometimes it’s too late. If it takes this long for them to decide if they want to go on a date or if they are too busy calling references, sometimes the single I found for them moves on to someone who’s available, and I can’t fault them for that. I try not to be judgmental, but they are coming to me for help. I am doing my best to help. So why are they so hard to get ahold of?”
Excerpt from second letter:
“...I tried as best as I could to reach her. I don’t like to mix business with personal, but I know Kayla’s aunt, and it had been over a week. I called her aunt, apologized for involving her, and explained that I had been trying to reach her niece about a shidduch. Her aunt said that she couldn’t understand why Kayla wasn’t returning my calls—especially for a shidduch! I told her I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and left it at that. Wouldn’t you know, Kayla texted me two days later, apologizing and saying she would call me later that night. Not that night, but the next night, the call came. She apologized for being hard to reach but told me that she didn’t appreciate me calling her aunt and letting everyone know her business. She said that I was letting everyone know ‘her business.’ I told her that I had been trying to reach her, that I hadn’t even received so much as a ‘call you later’ text, and that the shidduch was in jeopardy of moving on. I didn’t want her to lose an opportunity. Goldy, why am I explaining my actions to her? She came to me for help. Why come and waste my time when I could be helping someone who would readily return a call instead of dealing with someone who’s too busy or forgets to return several texts and VMs?”
Excerpt from third letter:
“...I’ve never had a mother of a 40-plus-year-old single call me and practically beg me to help her child. I explained that I met with her son, and he seemed to have a lot of maylos. I had worked hard to find the right girl for him. And I did. But after I spoke with him about her, I didn’t hear from him for over a week! My texts went unanswered. I can’t help it if, when he decided to call with an answer, the girl had moved on. She’s probably engaged by now. I’m doing the best I can to help singles. I take time every night to review resumes and meet new singles... It’s time-consuming. Add that to a full-time job and having a family. It’s not easy. And her son doesn’t make it easier by not calling or texting back, even if he is still checking into the girl. Just silence on his end. And when he did call me back and I called the girl, she had already moved on to another guy. I can’t blame her; it had been a long time. Now his mother is calling as if I had anything to do with an adult woman deciding she didn’t want to wait forever just to get an answer about a first date. The girl moved on. Not my fault. Don’t send your mother after me!”
I don’t want to admit to being wrong because I never said “only” shadchanim are hard to get in touch with. But like one shadchan wrote, the single came to her for help, she helped, but the single didn’t bother to call or text back. She doesn’t want to feel like she wasted her time when another single probably would have responded much sooner. No one is forcing anyone to be a shadchan. But let’s not make it harder for ourselves to get married—return calls and texts from shadchanim and from singles.
Dating is hard enough. Don’t make it harder.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
