What would you do? Seriously. I’m asking. I posted a video on social media this week of a phone call I received from a friend of a friend. She went out with someone she knows I went out with, and he acted inappropriately on the date with her. So much so that she had to take an Uber home because she didn’t want to spend one minute more with him, even after he apologized to her for his actions.
I went out with this fellow over 15 years ago. He acted inappropriately then, speaking about specific topics, then following up with inappropriate behavior. I told my friends. I wasn’t traumatized; I was just disgusted with his whole behavior. I asked them if I should tell the shadchan what he did, even in a minimized way. Believe it or not, one of my friends had gone out with him months earlier, and she decided not to tell the shadchan because she was told that if rumors began to spread in the small frum dating world and he got a bad reputation, it would be his word against hers, and he could sue her for defamation. He wants a good reputation, and word will spread like wildfire if something like this gets out. So then, I had the same dilemma. I didn’t want to get sued. It would be my word against his, but wait a minute, he has a habit of doing this on dates? Young women aren’t speaking up? Because I had no idea what I was walking into when I walked out of the house to go on the date with him.
I spoke with a rav. And he, too, couldn’t give me a straight answer. The fellow was from a very balabatush family, gave tzedakah, learned... and the whole family name could be tarnished by this. He could be tarnished. When does loshon hara become a necessary public service announcement to protect others, I asked the rav. “Good question.” He couldn’t give me an answer one way or the other because he didn’t want to be responsible if there should be some blowback (he’s protecting himself).
I ended up telling the shadchan that I didn’t have a good time on the date and how we were mismatched... I said something about not liking the way he acted. But the shadchan never pressed further and said, “Okay, he’s not for you.” Bear in mind, this wasn’t a professional shadchan. Just someone I knew who happened to have known this fellow.
Years later, I was at a “Meet the Shadchan” event. I met with a “shadchan.” After glancing at my resume, he suggested this fellow. Right away. All I said was, “I dated him and it didn’t work out. So no.” He tried to convince me to give him another try. I held my ground and said, “I’m not a child. I don’t want to go out with him. Why are you pushing? Why aren’t you listening to me?” The shadchan looked at me for a few seconds and asked when I dated the fellow. I said a couple of years earlier, and that is when the “shadchan,” with a beard down to his stomach, sitting with a sefer between meetings with the singles, slammed his fist, not hand, a sideways fist, on the desk and said, “I can’t believe he’s still doing it.” I never said what happened on the date. I wanted him to respect my wishes, and then he went right to the target and knew why I didn’t want to date that fellow again. I was shocked, but at him. “You knew he was doing this and you’re still redting him?” The shadchan answered that he thought the fellow had gone for help years ago because he had suggested that he see a therapist to help him. “But you didn’t follow up to see if he did, and you’re still redting him?!” I was angry. If he counseled the young man to get help, why wouldn’t he send a message, email, call, or text just to see if he ended up seeking out a therapist and was working through his issues?
Recently, I heard from someone who went out with him, and he is still up to his nasty antics. First of all, he’s been playing the same game for the past 20-plus years. Does he think word wouldn’t get around? Shadchanim may not want to warn girls or say anything, but the girls know what’s what. Currently, that IG video has over 28,000 views and is still climbing. I didn’t “out” the fellow, provide his name, where he lived, or what he does for a living. All I said was that if something bad had happened (or I should say, “if something worse had happened...”), the shadchan would have been responsible.
That’s right. The shadchan would have been responsible if he/she knew that the fellow was known for pulling this sort of schtick and did not warn the woman or say something like, “He used to be wilder, but I’m told he’s calmed down.” Which should lead to a conversation of, “What do you mean by that?” And it should be brought up, and the young lady can decide if she wants to go out with him because “Everyone needs a second chance. Maybe he has changed. That was years ago.” Or, “No thank you. A leopard doesn’t change its spots.” Forget about loshon hara. What about protecting the women of Klal Yisrael? It may not be your daughter, but it could be your niece, cousin, neighbor... And I’m very sorry and angry to say that I know of some girls who went out with him and other men and didn’t come out as unscathed as I did. I was more annoyed than anything else. Others feel like victims from what was done, and they are. But the shadchanim who are “in the know” are just as responsible. They are leading a sheep to slaughter!
I can’t tell you how many people, women specifically, sent me messages of their own experiences on dates, saying the shadchanim were aware that whoever it was had “issues,” but they only found out after their date. Many guessed the fellow’s initials, whom I spoke of. They were right. Don’t worry, girls take care of each other even if our leaders and people we’re supposed to trust don’t. I was then made aware that there is a “Do Not Redt List” for men such as the one I spoke about in the video. That’s great. Seriously. It’s about time.
All I want to say is: Be careful when you are redt to someone. Ask questions that are important for you to find out the answers to, even if it makes you sound like the crazy person. If you want to know if the person has a temper, anger issues, gets a little too friendly on dates, or drinks too much, then ask. Better to seem cuckoo than to get hurt. And it’s ridiculous that I have to say/write this! Why should it have to be said/read? I wrote about this exact topic when I was single because it was about the same man. I’m still here saying it. If a shadchan knows something is fishy, it is their responsibility to say something, not, “Well, you never asked me if he _____,” if you find out the hard way.
I am not blaming any shadchan who doesn’t know if the lady or fellow has issues, but usually shadchanim who do their research know important things like this. I am only blaming those shadchanim who remain silent because they are afraid of “spreading rumors.” All of a sudden you’re a tzadik, but yesterday, speaking with your sister about your neighbor’s weird habits, that’s okay?? Are they afraid of losing the shadchanus that they hope to be making if whoever it is they set up ends up getting engaged? For whatever reason, STOP. If you have to be the one to have the awkward conversation with the man or woman, telling them that you’ve heard rumors and if they’re true, then you won’t redt them another shidduch until they get help... or whatever, then do it. See/hear something, then say something!! Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
