Dear Goldy,
I’m 30. I’m not old or young. I’m not desperate either. I like my age, my life—job, friends… But like everyone else, I want to get married. I can’t say that I go out every week or every other week with someone new. Sometimes there are no calls for months, and then sometimes calls come all at once.
I don’t know if 30 is the age for this, but ever since I turned 30, people have been suggesting divorced men and widowers to me. I’m not against the idea. I’ve just never really had to think about it because I hadn’t been redt to any men who were divorced or widowed. I don’t know how I feel about it. I used to think that I would go that route if I were 35 or 40 and still single. But I know someone in my neighborhood in her mid-20s who just married a man who has been divorced for a few years. No kids, and he was married for just over a year. Being at the wedding got me thinking… It was a first marriage for her. The wedding was amazing, and leibedik and full of people and happiness. I don’t know what I was expecting, someone holding a sign saying, “This is his second wedding.” I don’t know.
When I spoke with my mother about this, because now all of a sudden I’m being redt to men in these new categories for me, I didn’t know how I should feel or what my answers would be. She said that sometimes it’s not bashert the first time around, and it doesn’t last—for whatever the reason is. But is that a reason not to date someone who is now in this category for something he may have had no control over or because this was the best for both parties? Does that mean I should lose out on potential happiness because he went to the chupah the first time without me?
I understand what my mom meant. My issue is just… until this other girl in her 20s did it, I didn’t think about it for me now, or at least not for another few years.
Aliza
Thank you for your letter, Aliza.
From how I interpreted your letter, I think you’re asking me if you should consider dating men who are widowed or divorced at the age of 30 because you thought you’d have to make that decision if you were still single and in your upper 30s or early 40s. Am I right?
I’m not judging.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, sometimes the first marriage doesn’t last—because of death or divorce, like you wrote. But is it fair to put those men in a separate section of eligible bachelors? Do you think men do that to women? If she is divorced or widowed, doesn’t she, like he, deserve happiness as well? They didn’t get it right the first time around, but should they have to wait because “I could date them when I’m older. I want fresh, not previously owned, first.” Of course, I’m just joking. But I get it.
Aliza, there was a time in my mid-20s when I thought the same way. “I’m too young to be the second wife or the stepmommy….” Of course, looking back, I see how foolish it was of me to think that way, and my friends and family soon had me changing my mind. I dated divorced fellows. I was never redt to any widowers, so I can’t write about that, but if I had been, I would have. When I dated divorced fellows, we did not speak about the first wife unless children were involved because they were co-parenting. But even then, the conversation focused on the child(ren), not the mother. True, if you date and marry someone who is co-parenting, the other parent will be a part of your life as well. But let’s just hope it’s a good relationship, and if not, just hope that it’s only for short periods of time at a time.
I was on a Shabbaton once and met a beautiful, outgoing 25-year-old woman. She dressed very well, was sharp and witty, and was lots of fun to be with… After seeing her at a few singles events and getting friendly, I learned that her husband had died during the week of sheva brachos—a car accident. I often thought of her when a shadchan called about someone who was previously married. Oyyyy! I felt so bad for her. I mean, there are no words. But she would have been in the same category if we started to separate the “fresh” from the “previously owned/used.” She deserved to be happy and married just like anyone else. I’m happy to say that I’m still “friends” with her on FB, and she is married, the mother of four, and loving life. Her cute, adorable children never would have been if her current husband had negative thoughts about her situation.
I can understand if some people think they’re too young to be a stepmommy/daddy. For someone in their mid-20s, going out with someone with children is too much to handle. I get that. Not only do you get married and start a new, exciting life, but there are also added responsibilities that come with raising children. And some people aren’t ready for that. They feel that they don’t want to be tied down to kids and schedules (and exes) when they want to have fun. But life isn’t about fun. Life is what we make of it. We can make it fun, but whatever is meant to happen will happen. Do you want to miss out on living with your true zivug because you don’t like that he didn’t meet you three years earlier, when he met his first Mrs.? Ask yourself, were you ready three years earlier? What if you weren’t? Are you going to fault him for falling in love when he didn’t know you existed?
I like to think that I learn something new every day—even something small and inconsequential, but it’s new to me. Sometimes it’s finding out that people whom you have known for twenty years or more, who are seemingly happily married with kids… are not married to their first spouses. I remember being in a pizza store with my parents when I was ten or eleven. A man walked by with his family. My father turned and said to my mother, “You know who he is? He’s ___’s first husband.” My mother acknowledged this, and the conversation moved on. But I was shocked. I knew. I was friends with her daughter, and now I found out that her father wasn’t her mother’s first husband?! To me, this was big. But you know what? ___ and her spouse, my friend’s father, have been married for over forty years now. Can you imagine the life—and lives—that would have been missed had my friend’s father said, “? Wasn’t she married before? No, not for me,” when the shidduch was redt? And to think of the first husband’s new family. So much of the world would be lost; it never would have happened.
Aliza, I’m not telling you what to do. I’m not advising anyone on when they feel they should consider dating a widow/widower or a divorcee. All I want you to think about is that by setting a whole group of wonderful men (and women) off to the side until you’re “ready,” you may be missing out. Who’s to say your bashert will wait for you to consider dating them if your bashert has broken the glass before? Don’t judge someone on their life’s situation when they may not be at fault for it any more than you may be for any life situation you are in now—“Oh, Aliza? She’s thirty and single. What’s wrong with her?”
I know of four young women who became stepmothers right after they got married, each for the first time. Yes, there was a lot of adjusting. And yes, a couple of the exes weren’t excited to “let’s all get along.” But these ladies wanted their spouses. They felt their spouses were their bashert. They are very happy with their spouses and their bonus children. Yes, the kids are a bonus. Don’t say “the redheaded stepchild” anymore—it’s a derogatory term. It means you’re treated less than fairly just because of your circumstances and how your life turned out. They are called bonus children and parents because there are more people to love and to love them—it’s a bonus all around.
Aliza, decide what you want, but remember to consider all qualities about someone before deciding that you don’t want to date them. Don’t just look at the label, “divorced” or “widower.” You’d be missing out on some pretty amazing men.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
