Dear Goldy:
I’m 30, still single, and want to get married. I think you’d be proud of me, because I’m not one of those girls who has a list, and I deal with shadchanim directly. I always have. I’m very realistic about what type of person I’m looking for. I know what I am and what I’m not, so I’m not looking for someone out of my league either.
My issue isn’t with shadchanim, it’s with the actual guy I want to go out with. He’s a friend of my friend’s husband. My friend tried to redt the shidduch and he said no. Yes, I was upset. He didn’t even give a reason, like I’m too tall or not his type. He just said “no.” My friend apologized for jumping the gun and telling me about him first, because she got me all excited and then it’s not going to happen.
From what my friend told me, he really is the type of guy I’m looking to date and marry. I did background searching on my own, besides the information my friend gave me about him. The more I found out, the more I want to go out with him. I asked my friend to try to redt it one more time. She did, but his answer was still no and still without an explanation. I called a shadchan I am close with and told her the story. She said she knew who he was and would do her best. A couple days later, she called with a “no.” And again, without a reason.
My last hope was to have my father call his rosh yeshivah. I’m being proactive, helping myself, not relying on other people. I had no other choice. I know what I want, and he fits the bill in almost every way. But the rosh yeshivah gave my father the same answer. Ugh!! I’m so frustrated.
Why do guys get to hold all the cards in dating? That’s a rhetorical question, but still... I was talking to my friend about this, and she said that I have to let it go. The guy said no, and he’s entitled to date whom he wants, and it’s not me. She told me that after three people tried to redt it and his answer was the same, I should forget about it and move on, because as it is “you’re stalking him.”
What do you think?
Malka
*****
Thank you for your email, Malka.
I can certainly understand you wanting to try to take control of this situation and using every resource at your disposal to go on a date with this fellow. I applaud that. But on the other hand, you tried four times and all times failed. I’m including the first time your friend tried to redt it before he said no the first time.
Ugh!! It is so aggravating to know that what you want or think you want (because you don’t actually know this fellow) is just beyond your grasp. But like your friend said, he (and everyone else) has the choice to date whom they want and to not date those they don’t want to. And when the answer is no without an explanation? That’s the worst! But no one owes you an explanation. His decision was made and that’s it. Personally, I never really trusted why someone explained a “no,” because I know that when I said “no,” I never told the real truth as to why I didn’t want to go out or continue to go out with someone. I’m not telling a shadchan or the fellow, “You have no manners and act like you grew up in a jungle,” or “He acted superior to me the entire time.” I would say, “He’s just not for me,” or something like that. So even if he did provide a reason for why he doesn’t want to date you, it may not be the truth.
I’ve written it before, but I’ll write it again: Dating is one of the first experiences in a person’s life when they aren’t the ones in control, and you are dealing with an unknown variable. Up until dating, you’re in school, you have your friends, family... You wanted to do something or go somewhere, you went or you didn’t want to and stayed home. And you may have been one of those who were able to persuade a teacher to give you an extra point or two on a test or paper. But you can’t control someone else’s feelings, and no one is under any obligation to explain anything to you. Sorry, but it’s true.
You wrote that you did some of your own background checking on this man and you liked what you found out. But you still don’t know him – the actual person. On paper or over text, everyone sounds like Mr./Ms. Wonderful. (I really don’t want to list how John Wayne Gacy was described before he committed his heinous acts; he was a an outgoing, sociable, respectable married man, a successful contractor, named “Man of the Year” by his Junior Chamber of Commerce, and even escorted President and Mrs. Carter around his hometown of Chicago when they came for a visit – paper means nothing. Sorry.**) You also wrote that you don’t abide by a list of pre-requisites to date someone, I love that, but not everyone feels the same. Maybe there is something in your shidduch profile (I hate that term) that didn’t match his list for what he is looking for.
My advice: You have attempted four times. It’s time to cut your losses and move on. Technically, you don’t even really know this guy, so you are “stalking” the idea of him or only what you’ve heard of him. I’m sure you’re a wonderful young woman with many maalos whom someone will want to readily date and marry. It’s time to forget about the one who doesn’t want to get to know you and move on to those who want to. Your friend is right to a degree – it’s almost become an obsession now. You have exhausted every avenue. Let it go. If he changes his mind in the future, you can decide what to do then. (Why jump because he’s finally ready?) But now it’s time to put on your big girl adult shoes and walk away from this. Besides, you don’t want to get a reputation as desperate or obsessed. Who knows what this young man is thinking? (“She has tried four times to date me and four times I said no. What’s her problem?”) The shidduch world is small. People talk. Like I said, “get your adult on,” and move on. You did your best and your best wasn’t good enough, but it has nothing to do with you. He’s making a choice. For whatever the reason is, and you should respect it, just like you want others to respect your wishes.
Hatzlachah to you all.
*****
I did not intend to offend anyone with the paper comparison of a shidduch resume to how John Wayne Gacy would be written up with his charming personality. But a paper is just that, a piece of paper. Who knows what the person is really like. Even serial killers are likeable, and people say, “I can’t believe he did that.” That’s why I never relied on the paper. I always found that it failed to mention the fellow’s true height, or his actual job, or personality. Always keep that in mind. Take everything you hear and read with a grain or two of salt.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
