I know that things like this do happen, because my sister received a call about my niece, before my niece graduated from high school.
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Dear Goldy:
I’ve been in the parshah for the last ten years with my children. My youngest is in seminary this year and I’m ready for when she comes home in the summer. Whether or not my daughter will be ready for the maturity and responsibilities of dating, we can only hope. But I think she has a good head on her shoulders and will use her seichel. I don’t expect her to start dating the week or month she comes home. Let her settle in, get back to normal life, and then we can decide if she is ready or not.
Saying all that, I expected the calls to come in July, or August, even though people have started to ask about her already. So, you can imagine my shock when I began receiving calls about the same man who is interested in dating my daughter while she’s home for Pesach break. It’s the middle of the year! She’s not even 18 yet. She’s going back to Israel to finish out the year. What about my daughter appeals to this 24-year-old man? I said no to the first shadchan, and I was shocked that a second shadchan called a few days later. “She’s a child! What’s the rush? We won’t let her stay home to keep dating him. Wait a few months.” The shadchan, whom I don’t know, told me that the man sees “what great qualities my daughter has and is exactly what he is looking for.” I love my daughter, but that sentence can apply to any girl. It’s so general. I firmly said no and told the shadchan to tell the man that my daughter will only begin dating after she returns from seminary – and not to call the first week she gets home either!
Isn’t this ridiculous? My husband and I think so. Does he want to get a jump on “the new inventory” coming home from seminary to date? This borders on inappropriate. She’s not even 18. She’s enjoying her year. He doesn’t know my daughter. The shadchan couldn’t give one specific reason why he wants to date my daughter right now. Is this what dating has become? Trying to get the jump on others?
Not that I think my daughter will go through a metamorphosis between now and June. She’ll still be the same girl she is now. What makes me think that a few months will change things? Nothing, but it’s the feeling I have. It’s more for me than for her. I know a few friends who got married when they were 18, maybe one was 17, but times were different in the 1970s. Let my daughter enjoy herself and have fun before we thrust her into the dating world. I still think of her as the ten-year-old who picked a bouquet of dandelions for me. I know she’s grown up, but not really. Not yet. It’s wrong that a 24-year-old man wants to date a 17-year-old who has no life experience and who’s barely out of high school. Some may say that I’m overreacting, but I say, I can react however I want. She’s my child. He can’t find a 19- or 20-year-old girl? No disrespect to my daughter, but what makes her so special that he wants her now? I didn’t hear any reason from the shadchan. It almost feels dirty. Again, I don’t expect my daughter to morph into an adult, whatever that means, by the end of June, but by then it would be more acceptable, wouldn’t it? I don’t know what to make of this.
Concerned Ima
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Thank you, CI, for your email.
I can only imagine your shock. It must have been the same shock my sister experienced when she received a call about my niece right before she left for her seminary year. Let me sum up your letter and emotions: Your “baby” who has just accomplished one milestone in her life, graduating high school. You may not be ready for her to approach another milestone so soon after. You want her to enjoy the year with her friends. Have the freedom that she never really had before while living under her parents’ roof. You may even want to use this time to see if she is using her seichel and making smart decisions. You’re prepared for dating and marriage to follow, but maybe not this soon.
I feel the same as you, that a 24-year-old man wanting to date a 17/18-year-old girl does have an “ick” factor attached to it. But there is one thing you didn’t write of: Is this man of Ashkenazi or Sefardi, descent? In some frum cultures, it’s common for a 24-year-old man – or even an older one – to marry an 18-year-old girl. That may be a very important piece of the puzzle you left out. If you aren’t of the same culture, then yes, you have your view, and it differs from his and others’ view of it.
The fact that the shadchan was unable to provide one specific reason why the man wants to date your daughter right now raised my eyebrows. Not even, “I see how she acts in public with her friends and it’s mature....” or even, “She has the physical qualities I’m looking for.” Those reasons may have the hair on your arms standing up, but at least they are specific. And I agree with you, why doesn’t he choose a 20-year-old who’s already in the parshah. Does he want a young bride so he can be a father figure and have control over his wife—I’m not saying that it’s right, I’m just posting the question out there.
Maybe you’re correct and he wants to get the jump on the “new inventory” that just entered the dating parshah. It’s a horrible thought - to think of the girls as inventory, but it’s a fact. Young girls will be available for dating. Maybe after the seminary year it would feel better to have a 24-year-old want to go out with your daughter, but now she still feels like your “baby.” Personally, if my daughter were entering the shidduch parshah, I wouldn’t want her to date a 25-year-old. That is too mature for her in my book. I would want her dating someone in his early twenties. It just seems to pair up better together. An 18-year-old girl and a 21-year-old. For me, there is less of an “ick” factor.
This leads me to a question: If the shadchanim were calling about a 20-year-old bochur would you have the same reaction? Parts of what you wrote feel very visceral. I’m sure any mother may feel the same way, but if we are dealing with two youngsters would that be better? I can imagine your reaction would be the same, “Why can’t it wait a few months.” But I don’t think the rest of the sentiment and anger would be attached.
Always remember that you don’t have to do something you aren’t comfortable doing. Don’t let anyone try to persuade you so that you give in. Listen to your inner voice and gut. That can be applied to any part of life, but especially here. And a decision about this is an important one – who your daughter should date.
Your article made me think of my single friends in their mid- to upper-40s and 50s. The new crop is coming in. They get put even farther back on the shelf - it’s a horrible analogy, but it’s true. My friends say it themselves. The fellows they would be interested in dating want younger women, for whatever the reason, and now younger women are coming, so they have more of a selection. But still, a man of that age shouldn’t be looking for a woman in her 20s (unless the heart wants what the hearty wants). There are so many beautiful, talented, amazing women who are still single, and they may be overlooked only because of their age. Just because of a number. Please remember that women are like wines – age only enhances their appeal.
But getting back to your question, CI, I don’t see the rush in starting to date over the Pesach break, especially if your daughter is returning to finish the year. And I don’t see why a 24-year-old is desperate to date a 17-year-old who the shadchan can’t even provide a specific reason for him wanting to date. But this is my reason. It isn’t fact or law. But always do what feels right for you and your family.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
