Dear Goldy:
My son is 27 and began dating an older woman. She’s 33 and divorced. It’s not that I don’t like her; I don’t even know her. But I don’t think my son needs to be dating older divorced women. He’s young enough to see what single girls his age are out there.
When I suggested he date other women, he told me didn’t want to. He knew what I was trying to say, and he told me to stop it before I start it. Is it wrong that I want him to date someone who has a fresh outlook of the world and isn’t jaded like this woman may be? He said I shouldn’t have a say in who he dates, and he was sorry that he even mentioned it to me.
I want the best for him; not that this girl isn’t, but older and divorced are not adjectives I thought my son would say when he would tell me about the girl he’s dating.
Worried Ima
*****
Thank you for your letter, Ima.
There are two ways to respond to your email: the short way or the long way. You’re lucky; I’ll give you both answers. The short answer: It’s none of your business. Your son is happy and that should mean something. He told you not to start. Don’t start.
Now let’s get into the long answer: Your son is an adult. He has decided to date this woman. She’s not an octogenarian. It’s a five-year age difference. And it’s not like she’s a cougar with her eyes set on your son as fresh meat. She is a 33-year-old woman who was not mazaldik in her first marriage; so does that mean she shouldn’t date anyone younger than her who was never married, or just not your son?
You wrote that your son doesn’t need to date older divorced women. Why not? I’m sure your son has dated women in his “age range,” or whatever ages you would include in that span, and still hasn’t found anyone that he wanted to be in a relationship with. He finally found someone he connects with. Age isn’t the only criterion a relationship is based on. Are you blaming her for her age and divorce? The woman can’t help it that she’s 33; think about it: Many people don’t live to see the age of 33. At least she has made it and is healthy (hopefully). It takes two to tango; I’m sure she didn’t intend to get divorced while she stood under the chupah with her first husband. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), she is divorced and looking for a second chance at happiness. Would you want someone to judge you like you are judging this woman?
Do you trust your son? His judgment? His decision-making skills? Do you feel you raised him to be smart and use his seichel? I’m sure the answer is yes to all of those questions. So why don’t you trust him now? Do you think the “older” woman has cast a spell over him? Why can’t it be that he found someone he likes whose feelings are mutual and they are exploring where the relationship may lead?
In today’s world, being “divorced” and “dating someone older” doesn’t have the same stigma it did decades ago. I titled the article, “Not Mrs. Robinson” and it was on purpose. I was referencing the movie The Graduate. There is a certain scenario people conjure up in their mind when someone mentions dating a divorced older woman. Get that picture out of your head. How many things that were the norm have changed in the last few years?
You told your son how you felt – or at least alluded to it – and he picked up on what you were saying and told you, point blank, to stop it. So stop it. And I don’t know what you mean by wanting him to date someone with “the same fresh outlook on the world” as he has. Why do you think this woman wouldn’t have a fresh outlook? Is it because she is divorced? Do you think it was a bitter divorce and it turned her bitter or has given her a “jaded” outlook? It’s wrong of you to assume that. It’s wrong of you to assume anything about someone you don’t know. I can relate to thinking you know what type of person someone is because you find out some facts about her. We are all guilty of that. But you only know the fact itself. She is divorced. Not what led to it, not if it has shaped the way she views life, not anything else really.
You’re sitting at home creating a past, present, and future for this woman. Just let it be. Let things flow. I don’t have to tell you how many people are divorced and remarried or have had broken engagements and have become engaged and married again. I’m sure you don’t want to be judged for one thing you did when you were younger for the rest of your life. So why do it to her? I will not say, “Don’t judge her for one mistake.” Maybe her marriage wasn’t a mistake. Maybe she loved her husband. Maybe he wronged her. There can be a thousand maybes – but I will not call her marriage a mistake as others may.
I can name three couples that I know of where the wife is older than the husband – myself included! I’m the “older woman.” It’ll come in handy when I drop my cane. My young, chipper husband will be more limber and will be able to pick it up for me. And I’m not including my grandparents with the three couples. I’m sure it wasn’t too common for a woman to be six years older than her husband in the 1930s and ’40s. But their marriage lasted 50-plus years.
You didn’t include it in your letter, but a little voice in my head is saying, “She’s worried about what other people will think.” I hope I’m wrong. But other people will only know if they are told. I was shocked like a bug to a lightbulb to find out that someone I know is her husband’s “second wife.” I literally said, “He doesn’t look divorced, and you don’t look like a second wife” when I found out. I was joking, but my friend knew what I meant. It was none of my business. She didn’t have to tell me and there was no scarlet letter hanging above her husband’s head or number two dangling over hers. Do you care more what others think and say behind your back more than you want your son to be happy? That’s the only thing you need to think about.
I wish your son and the woman he is dating the best. If things work out, great. If not, then it wasn’t meant to be. But don’t let the cause of the breakup be because you pestered him and got inside his head about this. Stay out of this. If you continue on like this, and things work out for the couple, your reputation will precede her meeting you and she’ll form an opinion about you before you exchange greetings. How’s that for having the shoe on the other foot? She is forming an opinion about you from hearing what your son had to say about her or him not dating her. I’m not trying to be mean, but just trying to get you to understand what your son said to you when you tried speaking with him – stay out of it. You want your son to communicate with you and feel free to discuss anything. He himself told you he was sorry he told you this information because of how you reacted. You don’t want him thinking and vetting everything he tells you. It will put a strain on your relationship, and no one wants that.
Before I end, a word of advice: I wouldn’t tell your son you wrote to me about him. He may not take it the right way, even if you say, “But she said I should butt out and go with the flow and that’s what I am doing. I’m staying out of it.” Let mum be the word, mom.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
