Dear Goldy:
I’m writing to you to settle an issue I’m having with my sister. My sister is certain you’ll agree with her. And obviously, I’m certain you’ll agree with me. We need you to break the tie and really put an end to the whole thing.
I am the oldest of five siblings. We are all married with children, and some of our kids have been lucky enough to have met their basherts already. My children are all married, and I have helped nieces and nephews when they were single and dating. But my youngest sister is being difficult. I don’t offer help or advice when it’s not asked for. But I see my nephew, he’s 23, learning and not married. I know he dates, but he’s still single. Do you know what that means, for a boy in kollel of 23 not to be married? Now, my niece just got back from seminary. And I’m worried. My sister doesn’t seem to be proactive about her son, and I don’t see her being proactive for her daughter. The girls need help. For every boy, there are five girls wanting to date him. You need a way to get a shadchan to notice you, to push you. My niece is on the quiet side, so I can’t see her going to singles events or calling up shadchanim on her own and getting “out there.”
I’m worried. I want the best for them. But if my sister doesn’t do anything, they may end up with...good spouses, whereas if she takes on her role as a “mother of single children in the parshah,” she may get even better spouses for her children. I’m not saying they’ll marry bad people, but you know what I mean. I spoke with my sister and told her that she can do what she wants, but I would be doing more if I was her. Her children depend on her, and I don’t want her to let them down or kick herself later that she didn’t do more now. And this is where you come in.
Aunt Rose
*****
Thanks for your email, Aunt Rose.
I think you know how I’m going to respond. I think my readers know it, as well. But if this is the only way “to put an end” to this, then I’ll write it. Keep your nose out of their business. Let your sister and her family handle things as they see fit. Your heart may be in the right place, but if you keep pushing the issue, you may push a big wedge between you and your sister.
You referred to your sister as “difficult.” I see her as being herself – a totally separate person from you. Because she isn’t following your advice or thanking you for getting involved, you think she is difficult. I’m sure this isn’t the first time you and your sister have had a disagreement. The difference here is that following your advice would affect her entire family, whereas before you may have argued over favorite ice cream flavor or where to vacation. (I’m picking light topics. I know sisters can have very different opinions on the same issue. Believe me, I know.) Your sister is doing what she and her family think is right. You have another way of thinking, but don’t force it on someone who isn’t as proactive as you are about this.
No, I don’t know what it means for a man – not a “boy,” but a man of 23 – to be in kollel and single. To me, it means he hasn’t found his bashert. Obviously, it means much more to you and others who think as you do. Are you saying that something is wrong with him, or others may think that? How can such an elder of yeshivah still be single!! Gevalt! Rose, let me ask, do you know if your nephew wants to start college or a job before he dates, so he’s able to support himself and a wife? Some men want that, so they wait a year or two with shidduchim, learn, and when they think it’s the right time; they begin college or work and date, as well. And some learn for the first couple of years of marriage. What’s his plan? Did you ask?
“Her children are depending on her.” Calm down. You make it sound as if they are depending on her to carry them out of a burning building. It’s not. But if they were, I’m sure she would do everything she could to do just that. I can see how you may think your sister needs to start networking and calling people, but there are singles who want to handle dating on their own, or with help, but not the help of their parents. Maybe your sister is doing what she, her husband, and children want, and may be keeping you out of the loop because it’s an internal issue. You don’t know how she is going about finding shidduchim for her son. You said that he dates but is still single. Obviously, something is happening. Is it his rebbeim or his chavrusos setting him up? Is it going through a parent, or do they go to your nephew directly? You want the best for them, and for you that means working on shidduchim as a full-time job. But not everyone is like you. It is very kind and generous of you that you have offered to help. But it is her family, not yours.
Do you think your sister doesn’t want to see her children married and settled with a family? There are different ways of getting to the same place. Yours is just one way.
You described your niece as quiet/shy. Maybe the year in seminary changed her. A transformation may happen after living on your own for a week away from your family and comfort zone; you learn how to take responsibility, advocate for yourself, etc. And even if she hasn’t, that’s fine; she is maturing into the mature woman she will be. Rose, I’m confused why you would even write that you can’t see her at a singles event. If she just came back from seminary, she is about 18, right? Singles events aren’t (or shouldn’t be) geared towards 18-year-olds. At this time, she should be networking and contacting shadchanim, or former teachers and friends – if she wants to. Let your niece settle in back into her life here. It may take a little while for her to even want to date, or she may be ready to dive right in. Let her be the one to tell everyone that she’s ready. She may be networking without even realizing it: attending shul every week, going to a simchah, even shopping in a local store. Someone may see her and think of someone and contact her or your sister. Sit back and let Hashem work His magic. I’m not saying to not be worried. It’s sweet and loving that you are, but these aren’t your children. And I’m sure if your niece wants your help, she’ll ask you.
You are someone I would have loved to have on my team when I was single. You probably have great contacts, know whom to call and when to call them, know how to vet out good men, etc. My mother a”h was great in her own right; but having two people working full time “on me” would have been better than one. But I have no complaints – especially since I met my husband at work and not through a shadchan. I wouldn’t want your sister or niece/nephew to get angry or frustrated at you because you are trying to push them in a way that they don’t want. Just let things be. Your sister has your number if she decides to ask for help with shidduchim; but until then, let it go.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
