Dear Goldy:
I’ve always wanted to be a kollel wife. I’ve wanted to work and support my husband while he sits and learns. But I think I’m having a change of heart. The fantasy I have in my head is slowly disintegrating. I see my friends and my sisters, sisters-in-law, etc. and how they are living the life I thought I wanted. I’m beginning to ask myself if I want that life anymore or, rather, if I’m actually able to live it.
I’m not saying that anything is wrong with it or the people who live it. I don’t think I’m actually cut out for it. It’s one thing to know that you will struggle, it’s another thing to actually live with the struggle. Life being ruled by the clock: getting the kids to school, going to work, picking the kids up, grocery shopping, chores, etc. It’s a lot, and I’m doing most while my husband is learning. I have a mid-level job and that comes with mid-level pay. I don’t want to be doing this forever and I hope my salary will increase, but it’s not enough to support a family, and the stipend that yeshivos pay doesn’t stretch that far. My parents have agreed to help out as much as they can, but they are already helping my four siblings.
Looking from the outside in, all I am able to see are the negatives, doing a lot of the parenting on my own, being responsible for the house, working, etc. I know the z’chus is great to have a “husband who learns,” but I’m now fighting with myself; is the struggle worth it all? I know that sounds terrible to say. But it’s how I feel. I see families that I don’t want to be part of, lacking so much, mother/wife under tremendous amount of stress and pressure. But I see other families where things appear fine. Everyone seems well-adjusted, clean, nice house/apartment, things run like clockwork.
I haven’t discussed this with my parents yet. I know they would want me happy with whatever life I choose, but I would be the only child not living the kollel life. The black sheep. I don’t want them to stress about me or think that they did something wrong, or I have drastically changed in my emunah and frumkeit because I am re-thinking the whole kollel life.
I also don’t want to sound shallow. It’s not that I saw people struggling and decided it’s not for me. I just don’t know how I will be able to handle all that comes along with it. My siblings are doing okay, even great; but who’s to say that will be me? I hope it will be, but no guarantees. I’m thinking more and more about dating “working boys.”
Anonymous
*****
Annie, thank you for your letter.
As I write and tell everyone, do not apologize for your feelings. They are yours and you have your own reason for feeling like you do. It may not make sense to others, and they may question it, but the questioning is for them. You know how you feel, but they can’t understand how you feel unless it’s explained. I’m telling you that you don’t have to defend your feelings. I know that how your parents will feel about your decision concerns you, but first you need to decide what you want. Sit them down and tell them you’re at a crossroads, if you think it may help.
I can understand that when you began dating, you chose to look for a husband that would spend a couple of years (or more) learning. Remember, children don’t come right away, so there is at least nine months of it just being you supporting your husband, like you always wanted. Maybe after children come into the picture you and your husband will decide it’s time to look for a job – who knows? It sounds as if you are scared that all the responsibilities may fall on you and that you fear not being able to carry the burden. You mention the “struggle” a couple of times. Are you concerned with affording the necessities like rent and food? All valid concerns. I don’t know what your mid-level job or salary is, but I trust that you have worked out the numbers and know that you’ll need to be earning more money once children are in the picture.
Annie, I want you to get the picture of “the kollel wife,” whatever it may be, out of your head for a moment. Don’t think of your female family members or your friends. Next, I would ask you, what type of a person are you? Are you organized? Do you plan? Are you strategic? Are you a go-with-the-flow type? Do you know how to time-manage? Are you impulsive? Do you tend to stress out if plans go awry? Do you act now and think about it later? There are a dozen or so more questions to ask, but I think you get the idea. I ask you this (and all the other questions) because no two people are the same. Don’t look at how others are struggling and base your decision on that. Think of all of your strengths and how you can use them to your advantage if you choose to become a kollel wife. I know many families where the husband learns, and each family is different. One family of five lives almost with military precision. The house is neat, everyone has a schedule that’s posted to the wall. The wife knows how to time-manage and has taught her children, as well. They are always on time, not looking disheveled or messy (but a messy toddler/young child is common with any type of family – working or kollel). I know another family of four that doesn’t run on time, kids are always disheveled, mom is always running from work to the kids, house is a mess, requires help from neighbors. And I know another family that is a mix of the other two families I just wrote about. I know more kollel families living their own life as they are able to. Don’t look at one or two families and generalize it.
You may think the grass is greener on the other side, that families where both parents are working have it easier – but you’re wrong. There are no guarantees in life, like you wrote. If both parents are working, they need to find a good reliable babysitter; when the babysitter can’t make it, someone has to take off from work. When do you schedule doctor/dentist appointments, when do you run errands? Time is still short. And if you are thinking that a double salary means living in luxury able to afford “extras,” think again. Being a frum Jew is expensive; housing (I won’t touch that subject again), food, cost of education – some working families are barely able to get by and aren’t vacationing in Florida or going out to eat every week.
Newsflash: Except for very few, the clock on the wall and dollar owns everybody. Everyone has to be on time for whatever they need to be on time for. There never seems to be enough hours in the day to accomplish everything on everyone’s ‘to do’ list. And the bills keep piling up, plus extras. I have to pay $10 to my daughter’s teacher for a “special project.” What about the $50-plus I have already spent on supplies, plus giving them a box of tissues and bags of Ziploc? There’s always “one more thing.”
Each world has its positives and negatives.
You need to do what feels right for you. But I wouldn’t make that decision without asking yourself the questions I wrote above or speaking with someone to whom you are close, who knows you and can guide you with choosing the path you want to go down. Don’t rush this decision. You will live with what path you choose and wouldn’t want to choose one way of living, marry someone, only to find out that your heart is yearning for what you didn’t choose.
Both types of lifestyles are good. But you have to be ready for what comes with both. Baruch Hashem, it sounds like you have a family that will support you emotionally as well as financially, if necessary. If you want, speak to your parents. They only want you (and your siblings) to marry and be happy with the person and life you chose. It doesn’t matter if you are the black sheep in the family. You will be a happy black sheep living the life you want.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
