I try to keep this column light. There’s enough that we’re all dealing with in the world, and it’s nice to have a distraction for a few minutes. But there are times I need to get serious and address specific topics. I still want people to read my column as an escape from their worries, but this letter caught my eye and so I published it. It deals with Israel and the war, as well as dating.
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Dear Goldy:
I am or was going out with a girl when everything broke loose in Israel and the war started. We went out twice more before she started pulling away. Our dates were like they had normally been. Yes, we spoke about Israel, the situation, and people we know in Israel. Thankfully, we both don’t know anyone who was killed or kidnapped. I have a cousin in the IDF, but it wasn’t the main part of the dates.
A week later, she’s not responding to my texts like she had been before. It has taken her longer to respond, and the text messages weren’t as long as they had been. I asked her out; she said she was going to a T’hilim group. I understood. I’m not putting myself before the war. I suggested another day, and she told me she would be putting together packages for chayalim. I left it at that. I didn’t want to be turned down again. We continue texting. So, I asked if her feelings for me have changed – not that I knew what they were before; we didn’t discuss that, but we were having a nice time on our dates, even after October 7. Now, with the curt texts and being turned down for dates, I’m getting the feeling she’s slowly trying to break up. Her response was that she is just very busy and uses her spare time to “help.”
I understand her wanting to help: to daven, say T’hilim, put packages together. But life has to continue, right? I looked at her social media. She hasn’t really posted anything except volunteer work. No pics of her out with friends or with anyone else. I think she may be using the war to break up with me. Yes, everything is horrible in Israel, but she said she wasn’t personally connected to anyone physically involved/connected. Yes, our souls are connected to Israel, but I’m not talking about that. I don’t even know where we stood before all this. I’m trying to say that she isn’t personally involved. It may sound bad, but no one whom she knows has been affected, which might explain why she devotes all of her time to “helping.” If she knew someone affected, maybe I could understand. But she doesn’t and I don’t. I gave her the chance to break up and she said she was busy. I’m confused. What do you think? Are we still going out? She’s responding to my text messages, but we haven’t spoken on the phone for a few days. Should I try to ask her out again. I don’t want to be turned down again, because that would cement it for me – that we are breaking up. I like her and don’t want to. But what is going on?
Yosef
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Yosef, thank you for your email.
I would hate to think that someone is using the situation in Israel as a way out of “dating.” I know that T’hilim groups are being held at all times in many locations, as are drop-off centers to send much-needed supplies to the chayalim. I could understand if the woman used this as a legitimate excuse during the first two weeks of the war. Everyone was in crisis mode and doing whatever they could to help klal Yisrael. And everyone still is, don’t get me wrong. It’s still important to say T’hilim, buy/send supplies and care packages, bake challahs, daven. But you are correct: Life has to go on. Eventually, she has to get back to dating.
I keep thinking of your writing that neither of you is directly affected by the war, meaning that no one either of you know/are related to was kidnapped or killed. That is sticking with me, because I can understand if chas v’shalom she knew people directly affected and she really was using all of her spare time to help – not that not knowing people directly affected makes the situation any less urgent or less important to someone (no hate letters, please. You all know what I mean). But to use every spare moment helping? It sounds a little weird to me.
My mind is going in two directions. The first direction is that she is trying to break up with you, and the second (I’m trying to be dan l’chaf z’chus) – maybe she is occupying all of her free time doing what she can for Israel. But when you tell me that her style of texting changed during this time, texts weren’t as long [was the tone of them the same? What do you mean by “curt”? I know what the word means, but in relation to her texting, I don’t, because I don’t know what they were, and now what they are] then I’m not so sure. You weren’t clear about how long the two of you have been dating, and you even said you didn’t know where the relationship was at. You wrote that you didn’t “know what her feelings were” before the war began. I can only surmise that she was having a nice time with you and saw a possible future with you because you kept dating. The question of whether her feelings have changed for you is a tough one to ask. But that is a question that needs to be done talking with each other. Not through texting. But kudos for you for asking the tough question of whether she wants to break up. Her response didn’t clear anything up, and a part of me wonders if that was on purpose. Maybe she is thinking about a future with you and needs more time, or maybe she’s weighing other options, or maybe she is one of those people who can’t directly answer a question (I hate that type of person).
Yosef, you wrote that you have been checking her social media pages. I would be doing the same in your position. Trying to see what she has been up to recently. Many people forget that social media is seen by everyone—you may call in sick to work or cancel a date due to illness, but then post pics of yourself and your besties at a Taylor Swift concert. But you wrote that you haven’t seen any pics of her out with friends. I don’t know if she’s the type of person who posts ten times a day or only once a week. I can only say that if her social media hasn’t changed, that can be a good sign, or it could mean nothing.
I’m not telling you that this woman is lying or cheating on you. I’m telling you to get a straight answer. And by pursuing this, I do not think you are trying to put yourself ahead of the war. You are right; life has to go on, and people still have to date and get married. Yosef, you mentioned texting and not talking on the phone anymore. Texting always seems like the short way around talking. You text a question or statement and boom, you’re on to the next thing in your life. No having to ask, “How are you? How did your day go...?” Texting is getting to the point right away, in my opinion. I’m sure she has five minutes to spare – even while packing care packages, she can use her earbuds to speak. Having this conversation is important.
You need to speak with her. I always say that face to face is best, but if you can’t arrange a time (to date), then ask her on the phone if her feelings have changed or if she is pulling away. This is important to you. Get an answer. Perhaps suggest doing activities together to help klal Yisrael: Pack supplies, collect/donate, bake challah, etc. It’s wonderful that she cares so much, but she needs to live her life, too, and you need to live yours – with or without her. The longer this goes on, though, the clearer the answer may be; but then, that’s a coward’s way out and it’s horrible that she’s using the war to ghost you.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
