Doing construction is exciting and simultaneously exceedingly frustrating and trying on one’s patience. One of the things I remember most about when we did construction was myriad wires everywhere. Eventually, all those wires were hidden within the walls. But before the walls were erected, and new outlets were created, there were numerous wires crisscrossing each other. Those wires were plugged into extension cords that themselves were plugged into other extension cords, with all those cords competing for the same few outlets.

One day during construction, I realized that our freezer had been unplugged. I had to trace the wires until I figured out which plug should be pulled out so I could ensure the freezer was plugged in.

The maze of extension cords is a poignant analogy. At times, we may say or do something that brings a surprisingly strong reaction or response from another, be it a spouse, friend, child, student, parent, employee, neighbor, etc. We have no way of knowing that at some earlier point, someone else may have said similar words that, at that time, caused him tremendous pain, shame, or aggravation. What we said or did caused a proverbial extension cord to plug into, to that past experience, causing a painful emotional jolt or shock.

This dynamic happens within us, as well. At times, we may be surprised by our own emotional reaction to a comment or situation. It is more than likely that our reaction wasn’t so much caused by actual words that were said but the significance or meaning we subconsciously attached to it. A seemingly nonchalant comment may have plugged into a metaphoric extension cord, connecting us way back to our past.

The most extreme example I experienced of this phenomenon was with a client I visited weekly when I was a social work intern. Antschel was a retired Holocaust survivor. He had recently suffered a few mini-strokes and it was hard for him to speak. He was also attached to a feeding tube.

One blustery rainy November afternoon, I was sitting next to him, discussing something, when he motioned that he wanted to say something. I stopped and waited. It took a minute before he got the words out: “They made us walk.” At first, I had absolutely no idea what he was referring to. But then his wife explained that at the end of World War II, Antschel had been on the Nazi death march during the month of November when it was often blustery and rainy.

It was amazing to me that, 60 years later, in his home in New York, when seeing the same weather out his window, it triggered a painful and traumatic memory. The weather had caused a mental extension cord to be plugged in, triggering a visceral reaction.

The analogy can be helpful in putting things in perspective in our daily lives, as well. A client with whom I shared the analogy reported that he recently became upset at something relatively trivial that happened at home. When he thought about the situation, he realized that his harsher reaction was because the incident triggered an earlier memory. Once he was able to identify that, he was able to work on “unplugging” that extension cord. In fact, he was able to apologize for his reaction to his wife and to explain that what happened triggered plugging in an extension cord.

The Mishnah (Avos 2:4) states, “Do not judge your friend until you are in his place.” The Mishnah is essentially saying that one cannot judge his friend until he has “walked a mile in his friend’s shoes.”

The S’fas Emes notes that even if someone finds himself in the exact same predicament as his friend and all conditions are equal, he still cannot judge his friend. Although the external situation may be the same, every person has vastly different internal emotions, sensitivities, feelings, dispositions, inclinations, fears, life experiences, family upbringing, values, goals, and sense of morality.

To say it more succinctly, every person has different extension cords plugged into different outlets. Therefore, even if one is in the same situation as another, he cannot adequately judge his friend’s actions in the same situation.

Essentially, the S’fas Emes is saying that one can never properly judge another. Even if he is in his friend’s shoes, he still doesn’t have his friend’s feet.

There are a lot of mental extension cords running from the present into way back in our lives. The more we can identify them, the more we can unplug ourselves from them. Instead, we can find more positive extension cords and outlets that help us connect with healthier thoughts and reactions.


Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, a rebbe at Heichal HaTorah in Teaneck, New Jersey, is a parenting consultant and maintains a private practice for adolescents and adults. He is also a member of the administration of Camp Dora Golding for over two decades. Rabbi Staum was a community rabbi for ten years, and has been involved in education as a principal, guidance counselor, and teacher in various yeshivos. Rabbi Staum is a noted author and sought-after lecturer, with hundreds of lectures posted on www.torahanytime.com. He has published articles and books about education, parenting, and Torah living in contemporary society. Rabbi Staum can be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. His website containing archives of his writings is www.stamTorah.info