This past week, when I turned on my phone after Shabbos, I was informed of the bitter news of the passing of our dear colleague, the former menahel of Heichal HaTorah, Rabbi Avi Oberlander z”l.
The fact that many of the students of the yeshivah traveled to be at the l’vayah, on Sunday morning in Waterbury, Connecticut, despite the fact that the school year already ended, is a testament to how beloved “Rabbi O” was.
It’s obviously impossible to capture the essence of a great person in a few lines. However, I would like to share some reflections about why he was so dear to all of us.
To assess the physical strength of a person, we gauge how much he is able to do. If we want to know if he’s strong, we see how heavy a load he can lift. If we want to test his endurance, we see how long he is able to stay the course before becoming fatigued. However, when we want to assess the sensitivity of a person, we do so based on how small/minute are the things he can perceive. We check someone’s vision by seeing how small letters can be that he can still read. Similarly, we check someone’s audio capabilities by assessing how low of a sound he can hear.
When we assess the spiritual greatness of a person, too, we do so based on the small and seemingly trivial details he is sensitive to. It’s not as much the big things that everyone knows about, or the significant things that others speak about. It’s the quiet greatness, the attention to detail, the care for the feelings of others, that reveal the true measure of a person.
Part of Rabbi Oberlander’s greatness was his simplicity, or feigned simplicity. His humility was incredible. He was beloved to administration, rebbeim, and talmidim alike, and that is no simple feat for a menahel.
After Rabbi Oberlander’s funeral, I remarked to Rabbi Stechler, Rosh Yeshivah of Heichal, that Rabbi Oberlander hardly spoke in yeshivah; he was always introducing others and arranging for others to speak. Rabbi Stechler replied that, in fact, Rabbi Oberlander spoke every day and usually a few times a day. But he presented himself as if he was just relating a few brief points or introducing others, so no one realized how much he conveyed.
Rabbi Oberlander not only cared for each talmid, but he was also genuinely interested in what they were interested in, and he sought to build each student based on his interests, talents, and capabilities.
He never seemed to get rattled, no matter what was happening. He epitomized the words of Chazal, “The words of the wise are spoken with calmness.”
A couple of years ago, at the beginning of the school year, the yeshivah hired a new maintenance crew to clean the building each night. One morning, I came into the Rebbi’s Room to find that many of the rebbeim’s personal items, including my box of Cheerios, had been discarded. When I mentioned it to Rabbi Oberlander, he assured me that he would speak to them. He hung up a sign in the Rebbi’s Room in English and Spanish asking that nothing be thrown out without discussing with him. In addition, when I came back to the Rebbi’s Room after davening that morning, there was a new box of Cheerios with my name on it, as well as a replacement of all the other private items belonging to the rebbeim that had been thrown out, with their names on it. I told Rabbi Oberlander that I was never going to tell him something was missing again.
This may seem like a small story, but we could fill a book of similar stories.
He was so self-negating and humble that it was easy to not realize how sterling his character was. On most days, Rabbi Oberlander would help serve lunch in yeshivah. He didn’t do it for chesed. He seemed to really enjoy having that interaction with talmidim. While serving, he would have a warm word for everyone and would ask students how they were doing, or he’d follow up with something he had discussed previously with them.
The final time he visited yeshivah – on October 27, 2023 – Rabbi Oberlander could hardly see and needed help walking. He had to ask each student and rebbe who came to see him to state his name. Yet when lunchtime came, he served each student with his usual warmth. The only issue was that the line backed up a few times because he was excitedly sharing divrei Torah. I still have the voice note he sent me that night when I asked him to repeat the d’var Torah he shared with me while he was serving me lunch. (When I would protest that it was not in accord with his honor to serve me, he would counter that it was his greatest honor.)
Rabbi Oberlander was also the epitome of genuineness. Teenagers are especially sensitive and wary of inauthenticity. Yet all his students (and colleagues) adored him. This despite the fact that he was also in charge of discipline in the yeshivah.
In January 2023, Rabbi Oberlander was scheduled to fly to Eretz Yisrael for a Heichal alumni reunion Shabbos in Yerushalayim during the yeshivah’s midwinter vacation. I was visiting our son Shalom in Eretz Yisrael and was joining that reunion as well. Rabbi Oberlander never made it there. He had two suitcases packed and was scheduled to leave the night after the semester ended in yeshivah. It was that afternoon that his illness was discovered.
Rabbi Oberlander only returned to yeshivah a month and a half later, at the end of February, following his first major surgery. When he entered the beis midrash in yeshivah, the entire student body rose and sang with great excitement for his return. He then addressed the yeshivah.
I have a recording of that speech and listened to it again this week. His emunah in Hashem is incredible. He noted that although he had planned and really wanted to be in Eretz Yisrael a few weeks prior, Hashem had a different plan, and our responsibility is to fulfill what Hashem wants. He noted that there was no place in the world he would rather be than in yeshivah. But he had to see what Hashem wanted from him.
At his funeral, one of the eulogizers recounted that during his last months when he was very ill, someone asked Rabbi Oberlander what gave him the strength to get up in the morning. His reply was legendary: “Every day that I’m here, I just want to make Hashem proud!”
That is a mantra to remember. He sought to live his too-brief 46 years with that goal. If only I could live my life with that attitude.
The final message on my phone from Rabbi Oberlander was on February 7 of this year: “Thank you. I miss you so, so much.”
May the neshamah of Avraham Zecharyah Menachem ben Tzvi Yehudah find its rightful place in Gan Eden, and may he be a meilitz yosher for all of us.
We at Heichal will always be grateful for having been able to be influenced by his quiet greatness during his last years.
We love him and will never forget him.
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, a rebbe at Heichal HaTorah in Teaneck, New Jersey, is a parenting consultant and maintains a private practice for adolescents and adults. He is also a member of the administration of Camp Dora Golding for over two decades. Rabbi Staum was a community rabbi for ten years, and has been involved in education as a principal, guidance counselor, and teacher in various yeshivos. Rabbi Staum is a noted author and sought-after lecturer, with hundreds of lectures posted on torahanytime.com. He has published articles and books about education, parenting, and Torah living in contemporary society. Rabbi Staum can be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. His website containing archives of his writings is www.stamTorah.info.
