I never had a schedule on two consecutive days that were so at odds with each other as I did last week. Last Thursday was the final day of Color War at Camp Dora Golding. One of my responsibilities in camp is to create and direct the Judges’ Skit during the Grand Sing. Anyone who has ever attended summer camp knows how memorable the Grand Sing of Color War is. It is one of the highlights of the summer and, in a sense, the crescendo. There’s a great deal of energy and emotion generated as campers and staff sing together intensely, arm in arm, in the hope of winning Color War.
The Judges’ Skit is meant to be humorous, a parody of many events of the summer and a spoof of previous plays and skits, all mixed into one. The administrators of camp emerge in ridiculous costumes, and the skit serves as comedic relief from the intensity of the night. I spent much of Wednesday and Thursday working on the skit.
I left camp after the announcement of the Color War scores in the wee hours of Friday morning and arrived home at around 3 a.m.
I didn’t have much time to sleep because the next morning we had to prepare for our son Shalom’s aufruf. My wife had left camp at the beginning of the week and was busy preparing all week, with myriad details and arrangements. I only jumped into the aufruf scene that morning.
Shabbos was beautiful and special. But it was not easy to shift from camp mode to simchah mode. Not only did I have to change my clothing, but I also had to quickly change my mindset from comedy skit coordinator to father of the chasan.
Then, on Motza’ei Shabbos, after saying goodbye to the mechutanim-to-be and the other friends and relatives who joined for Shabbos, I headed back to camp for the final two days. Again, I had to rapidly shift modes, this time back into camp mode.
On Monday afternoon, after the buses left and camp officially ended, I packed up the bungalow, which included doing a couple of loads of laundry. My wife remained at home to prepare for the chasunah.
The truth is that a chasunah itself always contains somewhat erratic emotional shifts. There is the unparalleled simchah of the marriage, with intense dancing and singing. But intermingled with the simchah are the emotional moments of the chupah. For the chasan and kallah, it is a moment analogous to Yom Kippur, and for everyone else there, it is bittersweet, with the glaring absence of relatives who have already passed on.
It’s not just an intriguing phenomenon. In a sense, it’s the greatest preparation for married life. In marriage, as in life, we are confronted with many different experiences and feelings, often simultaneously. The challenge is to conduct ourselves properly in every situation.
It seems strange that the word we use for character traits is “midos.” The word midah literally means measurement. The Torah relates the dimensions of the various vessels of the Mishkan, referring to those dimensions as midos. For example, the Torah says, “midah achas l’chol ha’yerios – the same measure for all the curtains” (Sh’mos 27:2).
What do character traits have to do with measurements?
In fact, referring to character traits as midos contains a profound message. There are midos that are generally negative and other midos that are generally positive. But there is no such thing as a midah that is universally good or universally bad.
For example, the midah of rachamanus – compassion – is generally a positive midah. In fact, the Gemara (Y’vamos 79a) says that being compassionate is one of three traits that are the hallmark of a Jew.
However, misplaced compassion can be disastrous.
The Midrash states: “Anyone who has mercy on a cruel person will end up being cruel to a merciful person.” Shaul HaMelech had compassion and spared the life of Agag, king of Amalek, which allowed for the continuation of the progeny of Amalek. Generations later, when Agag’s descendant, Haman, was begging for his life from Shaul’s descendant, Queen Esther, it was her responsibility to turn a deaf ear to Haman’s pleas. If she had been compassionate to Haman at that moment, it would have been a disaster for the Jewish people.
As another example, arrogance is viewed as a terrible character trait. In fact, the Orchos Tzadikim begins by relating that arrogance was “invalidated” by G-d Himself.
Yet the Gemara (Sotah 5a) says that a talmid chacham must have an eighth of an eighth of arrogance. When people ridicule his efforts to serve Hashem, he must gird himself with religious pride to ignore their jeers.
Character traits are called midos because every character trait is necessary. The challenge is to know the correct measure of when each trait is necessary. A baal midos is one who is in control of his character traits and utilizes them appropriately in every situation.
Rabbi Moshe Wolfson zt”l related a beautiful reason behind the custom that a chasan gives his kallah a diamond ring. The Ramak writes that each midah is represented by a different color (Or Ne’erav 6:4:10). In a diamond, one can see every color reflected in its prism. The base color, however, is white. In order to foster a healthy marriage, both spouses need to possess a combination of all character traits at different times. But the universal and fundamental midah required is chesed, represented by the color white!
Marriage, like everything else in life, requires balance and proper perspective. Every midah is required at different times. One must be wise enough to know the measure of each character trait necessary in every situation.
Whether life calls upon us to direct the Color War skit or to be the distinguished father of the chasan, we have to do our best to fulfill our role. Still, it would be nice if we were able to get a little bit of sleep during that time.
Rabbi Dani Staum is a popular speaker, columnist, and author. He is a rebbi in Heichal HaTorah in Teaneck, New Jersey, principal of Mesivta Orchos Yosher in Spring Valley, New York, and a member of the administration of Camp Dora Golding. His writings can be found at strivinghigher.com. Looking for an inspirational speaker or scholar-in-residence? Contact Rabbi Staum at 845-641-5094 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
