Question: When asked about a certain boy or girl for purposes of shidduchim, is it permitted to speak lashon ha’ra about the boy or girl?
Short Answer: In many instances, it is required to share negative information about a prospective shidduch. However, the rules are complicated, and a person must seek Rabbinic guidance based on the particular nuances and facts of the situation.
Explanation:
I. The Chofetz Chaim
The Chofetz Chaim (Lashon HaRa, klal 4:11), not surprisingly, addresses the issue of whether lashon ha’ra is permitted for shidduch purposes. He writes that it is permitted to seek out information about a potential shidduch because the seeker’s intention is to prevent damage, fighting, and chilul Hashem in the future if the wrong shidduch is consummated. The Chofetz Chaim does warn, however, that the seeker should explain to the person he is seeking information from the reason, i.e., for shidduch purposes, why he is seeking the information. The responder should make sure not to exaggerate any details nor to share any unnecessary negative information with the seeker. Also, the responder must adhere to the other rules of sharing lashon ha’ra for a productive purpose. See Article #12. Furthermore, the Chofetz Chaim (in a hagahah, ibid) adds that the seeker should not ask a known enemy of the person he is seeking information about, as this will lead to unnecessary lashon ha’ra.
The Chofetz Chaim helpfully provides further guidance in “tziyurim” (case studies) in the back of the sefer. In Tziyur Sh’lishi, the Chofetz Chaim explains that the responder (to the shidduch inquiry) violates lashon ha’ra if he shares details about attributes that are “ein bo mamash” (are not dispositive or substantive). The Chofetz Chaim gives examples of such unimportant information for which the responder would violate lashon ha’ra: that the “chasan is plain and not that bright,” the chasan is not really knowledgeable in Torah, and/or that there is some negative about “maasei avosav” (actions of family members).
On the other hand, the Chofetz Chaim permits lashon ha’ra for “chesronos atzumim” – tremendous deficiencies in the potential shidduch. Such deficiencies include physical sickness or hereticism. Additionally, one may share that the home of the prospective shidduch is a “beis pritzus” – an immoral home.
While the exact applications of these guidelines are well outside the scope of this article, below are selected footnotes from the Dirshu edition of the Chofetz Chaim discussing some practical applications by contemporary poskim.
II. The Messenger
Does the boy or girl need to make the inquiry call themselves, or can the parent inquire about the potential shidduch? In other words, may you appoint an agent to find out any negative facts about a potential shidduch?
Both Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv zt”l and Rav Chaim Kanievsky zt”l (Dirshu CC, p. 289, n. 72) rule that it is permitted to ask someone else to inquire about a potential shidduch, especially if the potential shidduch lives in a different country and it is difficult for you to investigate by yourself. Even though the agent will learn negative information that has no purpose for himself, it is permitted because of the general purpose of the inquiry.
This author wonders, though, whether the same leniency would apply if the seeker is too embarrassed to ask himself (or have his parents ask for him). Is this a sufficient reason to involve a third party?
III. The Potential Enemy
May one ask a classmate of the person he is seeking information about, or does he need to be concerned that the likely competition between them makes them like enemies (and thus should not be asked)? Rav Elyashiv zt”l (Dirshu CC, p. 291, n. 76) answers that it is permitted, unless you know that the classmate has overt hatred or jealousy of the potential shidduch. Similarly, Rav Nissim Karelitz zt”l (ibid) is clear that you may not ask a classmate whom you know hates the potential shidduch, even if he is the only available reference.
IV. Higher Standard
Is a shadchan held to a higher standard and thus must reveal additional details to the person seeking information? Both Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach zt”l and Rav Kanievsky zt”l (Dirshu CC, p. 723, n. 8) rule that a shadchan, as well as a relative of the seeker, are obligated to reveal as much information as necessary, as clearly as possible, as they are truly being relied upon. Indeed, Rav Moshe Sternbuch shlita (T’shuvos V’Hanhagos 4:312) writes that a person is perhaps even allowed to initiate a conversation to share negative information with a relative about a potential shidduch for the relative.
V. Bad Yichus
If asked, must a person reveal that a potential shidduch has a sibling who is off the derech? Both Rav Auerbach zt”l and Rav Elyashiv zt”l (Dirshu CC, p. 727, n. 11) rule that this fact must be revealed if it is unknown to the seeker of information. Moreover, the Tzitz Eliezer and the Minchas Yitzchak (ibid) hold that you must reveal if the prospective shidduch’s father is not Jewish. Rav Elyashiv extends it to even if a grandparent is not Jewish.
If the parents are baalei t’shuvah, Rav Elyashiv, the Sheivet HaLevi, and the Minchas Yitzchak (Dirshu CC, p. 729, n. 11) all agree that this information must be shared with the potential shidduch, but it should be emphasized that the good qualities of the prospective spouse indicate that he is not affected by any “p’gam” (stain) on his lineage.
VI. Illness
Revealing an illness is often an extremely sensitive issue in shidduchim, and it goes without saying that the next paragraph is just one small example in a super-complicated and factually intensive topic. Must a person reveal facts about mental illness in the prospective shidduch or in his or her family?
The T’shuvos V’Hanhagos (Dirshu CC, p. 730, n. 13) writes that even if the illness was years ago, it must be revealed. However, if the person is no longer on medications and two competent mental health professionals have said that it is unlikely that the illness will recur, it should not be revealed. The Steipler (ibid) agrees that temporary mental illness from years past need not be shared. Nevertheless, Rav Yitzchok Zilberstein suggests that it is a good idea to share this fact. Additionally, Rav Elyashiv zt”l writes that one must share the fact that a girl was once suicidal, even if she is currently healthy, as the difficulties of life might cause the illness to recur.
VII. Broad Catch-All
The Steipler is cited (Dirshu CC, p. 729, n. 11) as ruling that any “blemish” or negative fact that would cause the couple to divorce must be shared. However, if it would only cause the couple not to go on a date, it need not be shared, based on the Gemara (Y’vamos 45a) where a person with poor yichus was advised to move to a town where he was unknown and marry there. On the other hand, the T’shuvos V’Hanhagos (6:297:17) is more lenient. As long as the negative fact would cause the couple not to date, it must be revealed, even if it is not negative enough to cause divorce, once married. Many other Acharonim (see Dirshu CC, ibid) agree with Rav Sternbuch’s ruling.
Rabbi Ephraim Glatt, Esq. is Associate Rabbi at the Young Israel of Kew Gardens Hills and a practicing litigation attorney. Questions? Comments? Email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
