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There are basically two kinds of questions on a driving permit test.  There’s “Yeah, that one’s obvious,” and there’s, “How am I supposed to remember that?” 

For example, one actual question on the test is, “What does a red 8-sided sign mean?” Is there anyone who doesn’t get this right?  And even if you don’t remember what it means, there’s a hint written on the sign as to what it might mean.  Another question is, “What do two yellow lines in the middle of the road signify?”  If you’re taking the test and you go, “What two yellow lines?” they stand you up and march you out. 

And at the other end, there are questions like, “How much alcohol can you drink?” 

“Can I just drink none?” 

“No, you can’t drink none; that’s what causes road rage.  You have to drink some.  But what’s a safe amount?” 

I feel like half the driving test is alcohol math.  Like “A 12-ounce can of beer has as much alcohol as how much whiskey?” 

I’m studying to be a driver, not a bartender. 

That said, I don’t mean to sound like a parent (I am a parent, but I try not to sound like one, at least to other people), but if you are currently preparing for a permit test, you should be studying right now, not reading humor articles.  That said, I’ve included a sample test below.  I didn’t include answers, because all the answers are either obvious or I have no idea how I’m supposed to know them.

The test would also make a great refresher course for parents who have been driving by their own rules for years, and now they have to remind themselves of the actual rules in case their kids ask.  Or that there are actual rules.  Not that I have road rage.

How close can you park to a corner?

  1. It depends on the mood of the policeman.
  2. How close can I, or how close may I? I can park on the corner. Like on the curb itself. 
  3. I’m not blocking anyone’s visibility any more than this house or bush that’s already on this corner.
  4. That depends. How long have I been looking for parking?

How close may you park to a stop sign?

  1. It depends how tall my car is.
  2. It depends. Am I in Brooklyn?
  3. Why don’t they just put all the hydrants next to the stop signs so there’s more parking?

If you can park 50 feet from a stop sign, 25 feet from a corner, 10 feet from a fire hydrant, and 6 inches from a curb, how close can you park to a corner that has a fire hydrant and a stop sign and a curb? 

  1. 85 feet, 6 inches.
  2. How exactly am I supposed to eyeball all these feet?
  3. I have literally never seen anyone measure, except to fight a ticket.

What happens if you park too close to a fire hydrant?

  1. The fire department is authorized to break your windows and thread their hose through your car, even if there is currently no fire.
  2. The neighborhood youth will open the hydrant and use your vehicle as a slip n’ slide.
  3. The neighborhood dogs will become totally obsessed with your vehicle.

What is the proper distance to park from the curb? 

  1. As far out as the car in my rear-view mirror.
  2. I know I’m close enough when I’m sitting at a slant.
  3. Whatever. I’m not turning on the car again.

If you commit a moving violation but the cop didn’t see it, should you report yourself anyway, altz yashrus?

  1. Avadeh.
  2. Be quiet.
  3. See, this is why I don’t offer you rides.

If a cop pulls you over and says, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” what should you say? 

  1. “Is… Isn’t that your job?”
  2. “Anti-Semitism.” You might be wearing a baseball cap, but your yeshivishe car is not.
  3. “Cards on the table, what happens if the answer I give right now is not the answer you were thinking?”

If a sign says “Parking fine,” what does it mean?

  1. Parking is totally fine. You don’t even have to ask.
  2. It’s not ideal to park there, but it’s fine. It’s like when your wife says, “Hhh. Fine,” and you can do what you wanted, but you might have to pay the price later. 
  3. Certain coveted parking spots are more expensive than others. But on the other hand, you don’t have to compensate them until later. They mail you a bill, like EZ Pass. 

If you refuse a breathalyzer test, what do the cops think?

  1. “Well, obviously, he’s drunk and he doesn’t want us to know.”
  2. “Well, obviously, he’s sober enough to not want to catch whatever the person before him had.”
  3. “Wait. The alcohol would kill the germs, wouldn’t it?”

What is the worst/most dangerous thing about driving way too slowly? 

  1. Parking tickets.
  2. The driver behind you having his head explode.
  3. Carjackings.

According to the DMV, if you approach a steady yellow or amber signal, you should “Slow down and stop before entering the intersection only if possible.”  Define “only if possible.”

  1. I don’t know. It’s never been possible.
  2. Only if I have nowhere that I’m trying to get to.
  3. I don’t actually know what amber is.

How fast can you drive at night? 

  1. How fast do you want me to drive at night?
  2. It depends on the age of the person answering the question.
  3. It depends if I’m more scared of my parents’ curfew rules or my kids waking up before I get to my destination than I am of getting pulled over.

When should you use your horn? 

  1. After you almost get into a collision, to let the other person know that, “Hey. We almost got into a collision there.”
  2. Morning carpools.
  3. To wave at pedestrians you know.

What happens if two drivers get to an intersection at the same time? 

  1. That depends. Am I one of these drivers?
  2. The one in the rush goes first.
  3. The car on the right goes first. Unless the car on the left is your rosh hayeshiva. And you’re supposed to be in yeshiva. 

What happens if four drivers get to the intersection at the same time? 

  1. The chances of that happening are such a rarity that the drivers’ manual doesn’t have to cover it at all.
  2. Everyone involved has to make a right.
  3. The 4 drivers wait there until Eliyahu Hanavi comes.

What is the 2-second rule? 

  1. Same as the 5-second rule, only your food is landing in middle of the street.
  2. That’s how far you need to stay behind the person in front of you.
  3. That’s how far you need to be ahead of the person behind you, even though doing both of these things simultaneously is impossible.

What do you do if you miss an exit on the highway? 

  1. Slow down a bit while you consider what to do. Then say, “Ah, forget it,” and plow forward.
  2. Back up via the entrance ramp.
  3. Take the bridge into the next state and turn around and come back.

One of the best ways to prevent driving drunk is: 

  1. Marriage.
  2. Being anti-social.
  3. Only drinking on Friday nights.

When you take a medication and it says, “Do not operate heavy machinery,” by “heavy machinery” they mean:

  1. Forklifts, probably.
  2. Cars.
  3. Really? Cars?
  4. Yes, cars. Who on earth operates forklifts and is still going to work with whatever it is they have that requires them to take this medication?
  5. Stand mixers?
  6. No, that’s not heavy enough.

What do you do if a traffic light is out? 

  1. Sit there in a long line of cars and say things like, “Why does nobody know how to drive?”
  2. Hope that when you get to the front, somebody knows what to do if 4 cars hit an intersection at the same time, because you definitely don’t.
  3. Until they get it fixed, absolutely everything is legal. That’ll teach ‘em.

The right shoulder of the road is for:

  1. Passing traffic jams that don’t concern you.
  2. Figuring out how to open your hood.
  3. Biking on the highway in shorts that are visible from space.

What’s the best place to put a car seat? 

  1. Inside the car.
  2. Roof rack. But facing backwards, because of bugs.
  3. Front passenger seat, to make it easier to pass snacks to the baby. And also so the baby can navigate.

 

What is the best way to get alcohol out of your system? 

  1. Hamantaschen
  2. Tossing your Hamantaschen on the side of the road.
  3. Sobering realizations.

What do you do when you’re looking for an address? 

  1. Turn down the radio so I can see better.
  2. Drive past it and say, “I think that was it.”
  3. Comment on how none of the houses have numbers.

Who always has the right of way? 

  1. Pedestrians.
  2. Your rosh hayeshiva.
  3. Ducklings.

Is driving a privilege or a right? 

  1. Right! Right! You missed it.  I said right.
  2. It’s a privilege that every adult hates.
  3. It’s a privilege that way too many people seem to have. I don’t get this kind of traffic on bikes.

Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop.  He also does freelance writing for hire.  You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.  

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