I don’t know if this is the best time of the year to talk about this, but the anti-Semites are on to us.
CASUAL, NON-SUSPICIOUS NOTICE: If you are not Jewish and you happened to pick this newspaper up on the subway or something, please disregard this article. You can rejoin us at the very end.
Okay, Rabboisai, now that the non-Jews are out of the way, we have to talk about the space laser.
Apparently, a little while back, Georgia Congressperson Marjorie Taylor Greene went public with the idea proposed by actual theorists (mostly conspiracy theorists) that there’s a Jewish space laser hovering above the earth’s atmosphere.
Alright, everyone, they figured it out. Shut it down. Shut it down! The jig is up, you guys!
Fine; to be honest, I didn’t know about it either. Just to be serious for a second, you guys: I am sick of getting left out of these meetings. What, you think I have zero discretion? You think you can’t say anything around me because I’m just going to write it down in a newspaper?
The real question is how she figured this out. Was there already a space laser that everyone knew about, and suddenly they were like, “Oh, it’s Jewish!”? Do you think they’re just wandering around in space and like, “Hey! This space laser has a code on it in Hebrew! “Avos, Imahos, Dibros!” I wonder what that means!”
And what exactly do we even do with a Jewish space laser? Are we aiming it at the earth? Wouldn’t the clouds get in the way? Wait, do we control the weather?
Basically, Greene spread an idea that the raging California wildfires of 2018 were caused by a Space Laser built and funded by the Jews. (Mostly funded, I’m guessing.) This is what Jews have wanted to do for thousands of years: Burn down a forest in California. It’s finally happening!
And if a politician says it, it has to be true. That’s the law.
“But where’s the motivation?” you ask, if, like me, you were not included in the emails.
Apparently, we’re trying to clear land so we can build a railway.
And I have to say to whoever is operating this laser: I think what a railway needs is a long, narrow strip of land. Not random haphazard patches of burned-out forest. It’s a laser; we can’t be more precise? Or were we trying to burn a narrow path, but over the course of years of secret development and I’m guessing a nighttime launch, we didn’t quite think it through?
These were not questions she asked. She just said, “Space lasers!” and now the idea is spreading like… Um… Something that spreads quickly? I can’t think of the word.
She didn’t actually say “the Jews,” though. She said, “the Rothschilds.” (Rothschildren?)
Historically, though, the Rothschilds are a family of investment bankers that theorists of conspiracies have frequently used synonymously with the Jews in general. And frankly, I find that offensive, because I’m a Jew and am not at all good with money. For example, I don’t understand why it’s financially smarter to develop an entire space laser in order to burn down a forest than it is to set the fire by “accident”. If Jews are that dumb with money, there’s no way there’s a conspiracy. I mean, aren’t there wildfires in California like every summer? But this one time we set it?
So I think they misunderstood. I think there’s a guy in astronaut training whose name is Lazer, and then maybe there’s another Lazer who’s in Ground Control, and someone misheard something about Space Lazer, like they were tapping into a conversation, and someone said, “Wait, which Lazer are you talking about? Lazer from Ground Control?”
“No, Space Lazer.”
“Well, which one? Lazer O’Brian, from Ireland?”
“No, the Jewish Space Lazer. Pay attention.”
And they totally misunderstood.
In fact, I actually think “Space Lazers” would make a terrific title for a children’s comic book series about a bunch of Chassidim who tour space and find other planets and figure out how to observe Yiddishkeit there. Space Lazers! And they’re all named Lazer. And everywhere they go, they have to figure out how to say Kiddush Levana, and determine what time Shabbos is, and get kosher food delivered, and set up a Chaveirim.
“Hello, Chaveirim? I locked my keys in the spaceship!”
And they find aliens, and they have to figure out how many of their arms to put tefillin on, and the aliens are like, “Are all earthlings named Lazer?” and the Lazers share a comedic look.
We must have conspiracies, though. Think about it. We are not a powerful people, yet we’ve been around forever. We must have deep-seated plans. Or else there’s this force up in the heavens helping us, that we communicate with. Like a laser.
Oh, they were so close.
You think we have a laser? Half of us don’t even believe that science exists. But let me ask you a question: Let’s say you really truly believed that the Jews had a laser in space that they could precisely aim down at anywhere on earth and fire. Why would you want to be the person in the world to announce that?
And anyway, lasers are not as dangerous as you make them sound. It sounds bad, because in science fiction stories, lasers are used to blow things up. But in real life, lasers are actually used to perform eye surgery and scan groceries. So yeah, the Jews can scan groceries from space? Wow.
Also, we have to talk about the dolphins. According to Hamas spokespeople, Israel has been training Killer Zionist Dolphins to hunt down and assassinate their operatives.
Hunt down? I mean well, the operatives would have to be in the water, at least. Unless the Israelis are launching the dolphins at them through their windows.
But once again, the anti-Semites have figured us out. Shut it down! They got us!
Though I don’t understand: How are we training dolphins to attack land-based countries? Shouldn’t we have gone with birds? Again, let me in on the meetings! I have valuable insights! Mostly in the form of sarcastic jokes, but afterwards, you’re like, “Oh, maybe there was something there!”
But anyway, that’s Hamas’s plan here: Trying to convince the world that the D in IDF stands for Dolphin. Because otherwise they have to admit it stands for Defense.
But I mean, let’s say we do have dolphins. Is that worse than every army in the world training dogs? Yidden, historically, are afraid of dogs. But no one has ever persecuted Jews with dolphins.
That I know of. I look forward to your letters.
But according to what they’re saying, one of their operatives was attacked a couple of years ago, when he was just minding his own business underwater, though unfortunately that man was unavailable for comment because he was killed – later, in an air strike. The dolphin itself did not succeed, and in fact got captured. Hamas even showed footage of a spear-gun device that they said they took off the dolphin’s snout. So not only did we teach dolphins to kill, we taught them to aim spear guns underwater.
Wait until they find out what we’ve been doing with swordfish.
But let me get this straight: There was one dolphin who attempted to attack one guy and then failed his mission and got captured. This is the conspiracy?
Why don’t we just give them lasers?
But actually, I did read an article recently about a new technology that allows goldfish to pilot tanks.
I should mention that this research was done in Israel.
At first I got all excited, because I thought they were talking about army tanks, but then I realized -- wait, they’re probably talking about fish tanks. I don’t think they skipped straight over to military applications.
Basically, they built a fish tank with an electronic eye, and it can sense which side of the tank the fish is on, and it drives the tank in that direction. And apparently, the fish have learned that if they drive the tank over to a certain part of the lab, they’ll get treats.
And this is great, because it has tons of civilian applications! For example, now you don’t have to take your goldfish for walks anymore! They can take themselves!
It’s also time to put the baby gate back up at the top of the stairs.
But anyway, now I’m thinking, just fill a military tank with water, and you can fit in a dolphin.
And new conspiracies are being theorized every day. A couple of years ago, a city councilman in Washington blamed a snowstorm on the Rothschilds controlling the weather. Because that’s how banking works. Really. Anyone who thinks Jews control the weather has not heard of Chol Hamoed.
Most of these conspiracy theories fall apart under scrutiny. For example, whoever thinks we put blood in our matzos has never seen a Jewish kid use 5 bowls and a kitchen floor to separate eggs. Whoever thinks that there’s a global Jewish conspiracy to take over the world hasn’t heard two Jews figure out where to go out to eat. “Their Talmud talks about how to take over the world.” No, if anything, our Talmud shows that two Jews can’t agree on anything.
But realistically, if they ever joined a Jewish group chat, they would see that it’s mostly just mazel tovs and plagiarized jokes and reminders to say Parshas Haman.