One of the biggest questions that people ask these days, more and more, is, “Should I be part of a group family chat?”
And my answer is, “Absolutely!” There’s nothing like a group family chat to allow you to keep in constant touch with members of your extended family that you would otherwise almost never speak to, while also being a constant reminder of why. That way if let’s say you’re missing your family, you can stop missing them!
You also get to find out which of your relatives is infuriatingly horrible at grammar, which is something you would not normally find out in person.
PLURALS OF FAMILY NAMES DO NOT GET APOSTROPHES!
I’m sort of on a couple of family chats, but not quite. I’m basically on them because I’m already always behind on the hock, so I need to at least make an effort. And unlike in real life where if you stand near a conversation for months in a row and don’t say a word someone calls you out on it, in a chat you can just pipe up once in a while, and people will be like, “Oh, right. He’s on this chat too.”
The good news about going on the chat sporadically is that even if you miss something someone said, it’s still floating in the air for months. You’re just too late to respond to it. Not that this stops anyone. Because if you go back and read what people wrote, it looks like one never-ending unfocused conversation over the course of years. Like someone has a baby, so everyone says mazel tov. Hours later, someone posts a joke. Then one more person writes, “Mazel tov.” And then someone else writes, “LOL!” Then another mazel tov.
So in my opinion, you should definitely set up an extended family chat! And that way, you can have a secret second chat that includes everyone but one or two of the original people! (If you don’t think your family has that, you’re definitely that person.)
And the chat has dozens of uses. Its main use seems to be that you can say mazel tov to relatives, some of whom you already clearly said mazel tov to in person already! That way, everyone on the chat sees that you personally are saying mazel tov! Like for example, let’s say my mother posts that she’s making a simcha, I have one sister who chimes in along with all the aunts and Israeli cousins and says, “Mazel tov!” There’s no way that this is how you’re telling Mommy mazel tov. You talk to her five times a day. But this way everyone knows you said it, because everyone’s phone is going to ding a separate time because of it. And it actually looks bad, because people are saying, “This is how she’s saying mazel tov to her mother? Fifth?”
But the great thing is that you can actually find out about most of your family simchas this way! In fact, sometimes no one even posts what the mazel tov is for; people just start saying, “Mazel tov!” and you join and say it too and find out why later. Because you definitely don’t want to ask on the chat, “What, what happened?” Because unlike in real life, your question will be hanging in the middle of the mazel tovs forever.
How does everyone else know? Is there a second chat? I think I’m definitely that person.
So sometimes if you feel it’s all very repetitive, you can try to personalize it. Like I have one relative who always writes a bracha. That’s it. Everyone else differentiates theirs with different amounts of exclamation points. Like one person will put 4 exclamation points, and another will put 5. He is in fact 20% more excited than the previous person. So this way, if you have to make cuts on your invite list, you know who to cut. “Listen, you were less excited…” or “Listen, you were way too excited…” Your call.
I have one cousin who consistently writes “Mt!!!!!” like that, with five exclamation points. And that is ridiculous. It is literally one key away from writing, “Mazel tov.” At least make a phone call so you can say, “Em-tee.”
“What?”
“I said Em-tee. Look, I gotta go.”
Then there’s always one person who has to put up a sticker: “MAZEL TOV!” And the sticker is helpful for the person on the chat who doesn’t know why everyone’s saying mazel tov, because if the sticker has a stroller, for example, you know it’s for a baby, and if it has glasses clinking, you know it’s probably not.
And then some people differentiate themselves with emojis. Like they post “Mazel tov with an emoji of a baby bottle!” Then the next person posts, “Mazel tov bottle balloon baby hearts smiley face!” And another person posts, “Mazel tov bottle bottle bottle!”
(These are all real posts. I’ve been on your family chat, apparently.)
Like anyone is reading through all 25 mazel tovs and noting which person posted how many baby bottles.
“Mazel tov butterfly blue heart blue heart!” (Blue heart means boy. It doesn’t mean the baby is not getting enough oxygen in its blood.)
Is there a cheshbon I’m missing? Or can you just post a random string of emojis?
“Mazel tov to the Katz’s!
”
In addition to mazel tovs, you can also very publicly wish people a “happy birthday”! This way, you get full credit for remembering the person’s birthday along with everyone else even though you’re the 25th person to do so.
And it doesn’t even have to be the birthday of someone who is actually on the chat! You can’t let that stop you.
Like let’s say your sister-in-law has a small child whose birthday is today. You can all say, “Happy birthday!” one at a time, even though this kid is definitely not on the chat! You’re basically just talking to yourselves at this point! And then the parent gets on and says, “Thank you all; I will relay all of these to my 4-year-old.”
You will not.
Then the parent gets back on and says, “He says, “Thank you.”” Like you read him 35 happy birthdays, and in the end he said, in his tiny voice, “Thank you.” Best case scenario, he didn’t have any idea what you were talking about.
But it’s not just about happy birthdays and mazel tovs! For example, you can use it to post pictures of your Purim costumes or your Chanukah candles or your Tu B’Shvat Seder! All the minor yomim tovim. And also braggy pictures of Chol Hamoed trips where everyone responds, “Looks like you had fun!” Or it looks like you all smiled for that one moment because that’s what you do for pictures. And then everyone goes on that same hike the next day because it looked like you had fun, and no one has fun and then they take a picture smiling. And then they post it on their other family chat, and so on. This is how everyone finds out about these places.
In addition, someone on every chat is in charge of alternately posting reminders to say Parshas HaMann or Tefillas HaShlah, in case you didn’t get the 500 emails. And of course once a week everyone can post their Rayze-it campaigns, or their Charidy campaigns, even though you try your hardest not to post yours because you know you’re not the only one on the chat with kids in a yeshiva!
And it says, “Urgent! 24 hours!” That’s how long this campaign is. I’m like, “Can I maybe give another day?” No. You can only give today. They don’t want your money after today. They want this to be an impulse purchase.
Or else they say, “Well, if you give today, we have someone who will match you, dollar for dollar!” I always feel like this is someone who didn’t think you were asking anyone else for money but him, so he said, sarcastically, “I’ll give whatever other people give.” And then the guy collecting said, “Yeah? Well, I’ll show him!”
And it’s not just helping people with tzedakah! Like let’s say there’s something you need in a hurry, but you only need it once, and you think, “Surely someone on this chat must have one they can lend me.” So you post it on the chat, and then before anyone else can answer, this one helpful person on every chat says, “Maybe the store has it!”
Thank you so much. I didn’t know about stores.
It’s also a great way to share jokes. Particularly jokes about marriage, COVID, and political jokes that will make about half the chat uncomfortable. Like before these chats, no one at the Chanukah party was going around from person to person with a stack of visual jokes trying to get reactions. But now, you get to post it once, and you will either be met by silence, or, if you are certain people on the chat, certain other people will say things like “LOL so tru!” even if it’s not actually that tru and those people are not in the same stage of life as the person who posted.
I can tell you which one I am, if you haven’t figured it out. One time I posted a joke and no one said a thing on the chat for six days. Even unrelated stuff. Until someone posted a “Good Shabbos!” sticker. So clearly, it took them a while to regain their composure.
So yes, I don’t know how anybody can live without these chats. Peacefully, is my guess. Sanely? Were we all insane and hard to be around before we got on these chats, or are the chats making us this way?
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
