Would you say that your relationships are fragile or solid? Perhaps you imagine that your friendships will be conflict-free. When problems emerge, as they inevitably will, you take it as alarming evidence that your friendship or relationship is fundamentally defective.
Guess what, my friends? All relationships need routine maintenance, just like your car. Speaking of which: In Star Wars, anyone can hop in any spaceship and know how to fly it. I just spent 20 minutes trying to find the headlights in a rental car. But I digress…
Are you even aware of the causes of some of your distress or discontent? If somewhere in your past you were given the message that you don’t really matter very much, you may feel too ashamed to share your pain with your partner.
You may brood, mope, and feel sorry for yourself instead of trying to explain your feelings to loved ones. Not everything is at stake in every misunderstanding you have with him. Learn to say what is on your mind calmly and composedly. No, you are not being petty for voicing a complaint that may bother you. It takes inner dignity and trust to admit that something small may have upset you terribly for some reason.
Do not be ashamed of your need for reassurance, affection, or comfort, sweet friends. Being vulnerable actually takes an inordinate amount of strength. Secretly, we all long to be understood and reassured. Do any of your fights or disagreements with her evolve into mutual understanding in the end? You know that 80 percent of all arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet. Speaking of which, did you ever weigh yourself and think: This towel must be very heavy? I get it.
But know this: Emotional disconnection can ultimately break the best friendship apart.
What can you do to make your relationship last? No, you cannot guarantee much in life, but you need not be passive and resigned to your fate. There are certainly things to do or not to do in your love relationships, sweet friends.
How often do you feel cared for or even heard? Do you communicate your emotional requirements to your loved ones? How about putting listening, supporting, and apologizing on your To Do list? While you’re at it, put dismissing, belittling, blaming, and ignoring on your Not To Do list.
Do you feel as though your friend or mate is truly on your side in life? Please learn what makes him feel uniquely appreciated. Show her that you are making efforts on her behalf. He may need some quiet time during the Super Bowl. You know I’d be much more into your Super Bowl party if it didn’t involve watching the Super Bowl. I don’t know about y’all, but I wish all of this football would stop interrupting the commercials. Heck, at least I’m winning in the snack department.
She may need those socks picked up off of the floor. You know it’s been said: I hate housework. You make the beds. You wash the dishes. And six months later, you have to start all over again. You know what would make house cleaning more fun? A maid. But truly, when times get tough – and they will – stay calm and dignified above all.
“I’m listening” and “I’m sorry” are magical words, sweet friends. Your love is a gift. If you choose a friend who does not appear to be ready to value that gift, it is all right to bring the relationship to an end.
Do not drag uncharitable and unpleasant thoughts into your mind. Instead, present your mind with comforting and calming ideas. Mean thoughts may be begging to be let in, but do not allow them to rule over you. Don’t worry about your financial status. It’s been said: “If you want to know what G-d thinks of money, look at the people He gave it to.”
Does it take you all day to get nothing done? Do not become nonchalant or lazy about maintaining your relationships, or you may very well lose them. Release yourself from the grip of self-hatred first. Guilt and foreboding will ruin even the best day with your friend. Which direction do your daily thoughts point toward?
How do you treat yourself? Is it the way others have treated you directly or indirectly in your past? Know where you stand on the spectrum of self-acceptance and self-love, my friends. Do not treat yourself with a contempt that you would never bestow on a friend.
Salvation and restoration can only come from self-awareness. Your survival depends on mastering the art of self-acceptance and, above all, self-compassion. Please take a dose.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
