Do you allow yourself to be psychologically vulnerable? Does she know the ways you are scared or even weak? Does he know how needy you truly feel at times? Is it weird in here, or is just me? Do they know what a kooky oddball you can be? You may need to shed that cape and certainly the mask of “normalcy” in order to be truly open and known.
Who if anyone knows who you really are? Does he know how much reassurance you really crave for? Have you confessed how you sometimes suffer from anxiety or insecurity? Some friends make hasty moves to end the friendship if you admit that you are jealous at times or fearful.
Do you pretend to be unafraid in order to hold onto your friends or mate? This form of caution is not conducive to true love, sweet friends. It’s fine for an employee. As they say: The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. However, hiding your fears from loved ones prevents them from ever truly knowing you.
Trust me: You are not alone in your peculiarity. He has his share of weirdness, too. Once you manage to get past her exterior and acting skills, you will find that she has just as many psychological preoccupations.
If you wish to be truly straight and sincere, you may have to take him to the scary or uncomfortable parts of your past. Let her catch a sight of you when you were perhaps powerless. Be kind to your fragile inner self, as well. After all, what we truly crave is a restorative and profoundly understanding friend or mate.
Do not reject or fear vulnerability, my friends. That “tough” self he displays may disguise his unattended needs or traumas. Most of us have had unkindness directed at us. It’s okay to want tenderness so that your protective shell can be put aside for a bit.
If you have a traumatized early self, do not side with those who hurt you. We all struggle with our history and unmet needs. Do not be impressed with false strength or bravado, please. Finding a friend or mate with whom you can be vulnerable is perhaps the most healing act. Embrace sympathetic love when offered to you. Tend to your wounds.
Ask him what he actually loves about you. Give her the power to confirm why she chose you. If your friend says: “everything,” she may not know your essential self. We all have better and worse parts of ourselves. Does he know your best qualities? Perhaps you’re very knowledgeable in a certain area or have a great sense of humor. Maybe some other parts better contain your real self.
What makes you lovable? Know your talents, sweet friends. She may have noticed your amazing playlist and choice of music on that road trip; or he enjoys how you prepare that roast. It’s been said: It doesn’t matter how old you are. Buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised nine-year-old who was given $100. However, it is not enough to be simply admired or highly thought of.
Love needs to be specific. Generic praise can simply feel artificial. Don’t just tell her that dinner was delicious. Compliment the sauce on the chicken that you especially liked. Listen; in my kitchen we believe the smoke alarm is just being overdramatic. And remember my motto: When cooking – if at first you don’t succeed, order pizza.
We want our friends to be well disposed to our vulnerabilities. Which one of your friends allows you to be sad at times and gives you permission to even wig out a bit? None of us are ever far from feelings of distress, dismay, or discomposure. We want our weaknesses to be treated with gentleness and kindliness.
The child in us wishes to be seen. Find the one who can glimpse beneath your exterior and remain unfrightened by your shakiness. Make sure he knows that he is safe with you. Our earlier self can be quote endearing. Don’t let him only know you at a superficial level. You can’t protect your heart by acting like you don’t have one.
Share your values and dreams, my friends. When you are with her, do you find yourself thinking: Does she really know me at all? True friends and loved ones will make you feel energized and uplifted. When something good happens in your life, who do you want to celebrate it with the most?
Remember: It’s not where you go; it’s who you travel with.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
