Do you feel forever tied to things that happened in your childhood so many moons ago? Indeed, your character seems to be determined by events that occurred in your family, does it not? Sure, you learned rules from your parents on how to behave - but you also learned an emotional language, sweet friends.
And speaking of childhood. You know a two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it. It’s been said: When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out. Can you relate?
But seriously, what do you expect of love? Where did you learn that? Oftentimes you need to reflect on your family and childhood in order to sort yourself out. Perhaps you even need to get over certain people or things.
It may be that your parents actually contributed to your sadness and sorrow. Do you still turn over thoughts in your mind about how they were responsible for all the problems you face today? If only they had done things drastically differently…
If something has a hold on your psyche, you may have to learn how to loosen its grip. They say: Life’s a marathon, but my enthusiasm is still looking for its running shoes. The impact of criticism from him depends on what sort of childhood you had. Her fault-finding may be experienced as simply unpleasant or wholly disastrous depending on what happened to you decades ago.
Your parents’ way of perceiving you is ultimately the way you look at yourself. What is it that convinces you of your goodness, sweet friends? Let’s be honest. We have a high risk of encountering disapproval in this life. We all feel emotionally deprived at times.
What’s that? You invested all your money in debt. Uh oh. It’s been said - I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries. But truly, you may compensate by trying to be very successful in your career or becoming quite wealthy or even well known in your community. Of course, others are oftentimes too damaged by their own past to even be kind to you.
Do you crave being liked by others a great deal? If your boss criticizes your work, do you assume he is talking about the here and now? Or do his words take you back to injuries you suffered long ago regarding your self-worth? Heck, my boss asked me to stay late, so I took a nap on the office couch. Is your boss right, always right, never wrong, or all of the above? But seriously, do you personalize her words like a wounded child even if she is trying to help you?
Any critical remark made now may become entwined with your troubled past so that it feels unmanageable. Please know this: You are no longer a fragile, defenseless child. When you feel attacked, do not view this as a verdict on your entire being.
You cannot prevent others’ disapproval or disparagement, but you can change what it means to you. Direct your attention to those who hold up a tender mirror of who you are. Take measures to choose loving, adoring friends.
Do you even know what constitutes an emotionally-healthy childhood? Try to recall if someone put their needs aside to focus wholly on yours. They comforted you and made the world manageable for you unconditionally. The relationship was one-sided but prepared you for two-sided ones. By the way, do you ever wonder what your kids are going to tell their kids? “It was so rough back in my day. I didn’t get a phone till 4th grade, and sometimes the Wi-fi didn’t always work upstairs.” Sheesh.
Did your parent give you the benefit of the doubt? Hopefully, they offered encouragement when you felt threatened, and constantly looked for sympathetic explanations for your behavior. Here’s hoping that they were steady and predictable.
You were allowed to have flaws and did not have to rebel due to being forced to comply all the time. Your parent should not compete with you for the limelight and should be proud rather than competitive. The parenting skill I’m most proud of is being able to shove a whole candy bar in my mouth and talk normally when a kid walks in.
But honestly, you should have been loved simply for being. Presumably they taught you how to speak to yourself kindly and how to take healthy risks. In all likelihood, a good mom or dad does not remove all frustration. They know that friction helps you develop yourself.
One would hope that they were not so hurtful that they broke your soul. Do not idealize your parents but please do not denigrate them too much either. We are all a mixture of positive and negative attributes.
Above all, please raise children who do not have to recover from their childhood.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
