What are your expectations? As events in your life unfold, do you know how to best respond to them before they even happen? If you were punished severely as a child when you made a mistake, you may never admit when you are at fault. Ever. If someone broke your trust in your childhood, you may grow up to never fully trust again. Speaking of childhood, if I ever go missing, please follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide. You know what they say: Not all who wander are lost. Some are just moms, in Target, hiding from their children.
But seriously, if you were rejected in the past, you may go to pieces at any sign of absence from a friend or loved one. What we need to learn, sweet friends, is that our emotions need not escalate in the here and now. We are most definitely reacting to the “there and then” more often than not. I admit it. I live in the past. But only because housing was so much cheaper then.
What happened long ago does not have to keep happening if we know the origins. Yet, you may have a friend or loved one who refuses to open her heart to you. Perhaps he acts detached most of the time, or even aggressively. Sometimes we are simply too emotionally invested to simply walk away or give up on them.
Just how malleable and transformable is human nature after all? Can he really change? The sad truth is that even if she can, she simply may not. They may make promises but refuse to deploy efforts where it really matters. Listen, I’m not everyone’s cup of tea; but I drink coffee so…
But truly, do you think it’s all right to want him to change? Does she say things like: “Love me for who I am?” Last time I checked, sweet friends, unless you are perfectly perfect, you may need to grow a little, too. So please do not utter that mantra.
If he offers a well-meaning request for you to change a particular behavior, it should be accepted with good will and certainly acted upon if there is any validity to it at all. If he says he does not need to change or evolve at all, trust me, he is in dire need of inner development.
If his entire character is built around not knowing himself or not feeling certain things, any possibility of insight will be avoided at all costs. She may be fleeing from something exceptionally painful in her past. Sadly, she may not have the strength to ever confront it.
If he refuses to ever meet your needs, it can be utterly frustrating and even painful to keep trying to open that closed door. You may begin to question why you even chose this person as a friend or partner. You know what they say: Expecting things to change without putting in any effort is like waiting for a ship at the airport.
This does not bring with it calm, but rather quite the opposite. This disturbing awareness may make you realize that you are ultimately responsible for your own choices, sweet friends. We are not always afforded the luxury of choosing with ultimate wisdom or certainty. We are almost guaranteed to make a lot of mistakes in this life.
Anxiety is a fundamental feature of the human condition. Everyone you meet is burdened with it in some shape of form. Perfection is never within reach. A regret-free life only exists in romance novels or in the movies.
Adulthood inducts us into harsh reality. When did it hit home to you how insignificant you are in the wider scheme of life? You may have realized that your welfare is of no concern to most people on the planet, save your loved ones. Please do not become grief-stricken with how invisible you may seem to most. Yet despite knowing how indifferent most are to us, we remain incredibly self-conscious. Did I sing too loudly at the concert? You know that my brain is 80 percvent song lyrics. Did the waiter notice the three servings of extra whipped cream I ordered? Yes, I put whipped cream on my whipped cream.
To this day, you can ruminate about something you said years ago. You must free yourself and ponder this: Just how often do you think about others’ behavior? The truth is that we hardly notice many things about them at all.
Embrace a far less oppressive and harsh vision of what is going on in other people’s minds. Filter your thoughts and spend your waking time reflecting on your own healthy needs. Tie your happiness to your worthy goals, not to people or things. There is an old proverb: You cannot wake someone who is pretending to be asleep. Wake up and cherish your soul. It was once said: A sad soul can kill you more quickly, far more quickly than a germ. Unlearn your fears; take risks and allow the unexpected, sweet friends.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
